I don’t know what to do any more

[Cainsleatherjacket]

Long time mumsnet user. Just changed my username because I’ve never spoken to anyone about this before and I hope to remain anonymous.

Been with DH over 20 years. 2 DC.

backstory:

he has previously had a years long affair which I only found out about when he pocket dialled me after saying goodnight, that he was getting in bed. (working away) I then overheard his conversation with another woman talking about what he was going to buy her for Christmas. Long story short, whenever he was working away, he was staying at her home, not in a hotel as I was lead to believe. I had an inkling that something wasn’t right for a while but he made me feel like I was paranoid.

I’m positive this started when I was pregnant with my 2nd dc, as he treated me appallingly at the time, so unlike when I was pregnant with the first. He’d cause arguments all the time and walk off, leaving my struggling when I was heavily pregnant. Baby was planned so not like he didn’t want it.

I decided to try and work thing out with him but it’s been so hard to forget what he did despite it happening 10 years ago. Partly because he’s never fully admitted it. Also I have suspected one other affair years before that one.

We’ve had sex about 4 times in 4 years. I miss it. I don’t even have a high sex drive, I just want more. He has had problems in that department for a while, we’ve talked about him getting help so many times, I’ve even offered to find something to help him myself. He always says he will but does nothing about it. He tells me he does want sex but is struggling. I don’t want to put any pressure on him, but I’m so fed up with him telling me how sexy I am, how beautiful I am, it means absolutely nothing to me, it’s just words. He never shows me, and I don’t mean with just sex. There’s no affection and it’s getting me down.

He’s a functioning alcoholic. There isn’t a single day in at least 14 years where he hasn’t had a drink. We’ve also talked about this and he admits it. When I was pregnant with first DC, I asked him not to drink for two weeks around the due date - I later found empty cans hidden in the garage. He’s not ‘fall over’ drunk but will start by lunch time and be asleep on the sofa by 7:30pm until I eventually wake him up before I go to bed.

it’s just such a fucking mess.

We keep having rows because I get fed up with the drinking (which leads to no help around the house) and lack of intimacy and he cries and says he knows and he’s sorry and he loves me. He tries for a couple of days (with the drinking and help only) and now we’re at a point where he’s trying to hide his drinking. I give up. I’ve told him things need to change or me and dc will leave.

I do all the housework, look after the dc, all school and sport related activities, pets, cooking, washing, ironing, gardening. I sort all his family birthdays, Christmas presents, he only has to ever sort mine.

He does pay all the bills as I work part time, he sorts my car and phone out, he gives me money every month. He’s not terrible, he works hard in his job, he loves the dc. He can be kind and generous at times. I do love him. He does have good points but the bad of taking over.

I’ve never looked at another man in the whole time we’ve been together, always ignored any attention, but I have one who keeps asking me to go for a drink with him. He’s lovely but I keep saying no as I don’t want to destroy my family. I can’t deny that I’m enjoying the attention, it’s been a very long time since I’ve felt wanted. It makes me miss what me and dh had even more.

I keep giving dh chances but not getting anything back in return. Do I just cut my losses? I’m so scared for the dc as they’ll be heartbroken. To be clear I have no intention of moving on to this other guy. It’s not for me, just feels good to feel good again.

sorry that was so long, I’m sure there’s so much more that I’ve left out.

I have never told a single soul about any of this. I can’t, I’m ashamed. I’m thinking about getting some counselling, may be that will help.

So sorry to read that but if you want to stay with him then you need to talk to him, find out why sex is so infrequent. It's quite unusually infrequent so could he be having sex elsewhere? Could you persuade him to seek treatment for his alcohol addiction?

I have spoken to him about everything. The sex is a conversation that we’ve have every few months. He was struggling to perform therefore seems to have stopped trying for the last 4 years. I’ve asked about getting something from the chemist to help but he says he’ll go to the docs - and never does, despite saying he wants to get us back on track.

We spoke about his drinking yet again a week ago, he said he would try. I’ve not seen him with a single drink this week but kept an eye on how many he had in. Some disappeared the other day. And then it dropped from 11 to 6 overnight last night. I went to bed at midnight and he was already in bed as he’s been poorly. Literally got up in the middle of the night to drink. I know an alcoholic can’t just stop but I don’t think he has any intention of actually making an effort. I’ve confronted him and he just says he’s sorry. Again.

I’m really trying but I don’t feel like he’s arsed, despite the crying and ‘I don’t want to lose you’

i want to help but what else can I do?

I don’t think he’s having sex elsewhere, he barely leaves the house any more..

OP, I hope writing this has helped you see clearly what he has done to your life, and will always continue doing.

He is an impotent alcoholic, who was abusive during your pregnancy, is unfaithful (when he can get it up) and does nothing around the house or with you or with DC.
On the plus side, he pays the bills.

He will never really change.

You and DC deserve so much better.

You need to cut your losses and leave him. The drinking is prob what affects him getting it up. He will have a lot more health issues later on if he has been drinking for years

How about a trial separation?
It sounds like you actually do too much for him. Maybe he would appreciate you more if he had to look after himself. You are not his parent but he sounds worse than a child. If he is the same in 10 years do you think you would wish that you had done something different?

Nothing is getting fixed here until the drinking is fixed. He needs to acknowledge that and seek help, and be committed to change.
its a long hard road to travel with someone. If he hasn’t the commitment to seeing it through, in your shoes, I think I would cut my losses.
im sorry this is happening to you.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? He isn't going to change and by not ending things you are showing him that you will put up with that. I would ask for separation, and see if he can turn it all around. Before that I would make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Other people would be better placed to advise on what that looks like, but important paperwork copied and check bank accounts and credit cards, maybe start a fund for yourself as solicitors cost a fortune.

I agree.
Why stay ?
You have a chance with someone else.
Your husband doesn't appear to care very much for you, sadly.

This doesn’t sound very good at all. Could he be getting sex somewhere else? Maybe he has gone to the doctor and has gotten something, but is using it elsewhere. I don’t mean to sound harsh saying that, just a thought. You do everything for him despite his terrible behavior, he’s not going to change. You treat him well even when he’s an alcoholic who doesn’t help you with stuff and who’s at least one affair - where’s the incentive for change? I honestly think you should think about leaving this man.

He is an impotent alcoholic, who was abusive during your pregnancy, is unfaithful (when he can get it up) and does nothing around the house or with you or with DC.

^This. He is never going to change. He has no incentive to change, because you have shown him that you will tolerate decades of this. You should have left him when you found out about the affair, especially as he never properly came clean about it. But just because you didn't leave him then, that doesn't mean it's too late to leave him now. Why live the rest of your life like this, in the sad remains of this relationship?

Thank you to all those who replied to me when I started this thread, I really did take on board what was said.

I ended up giving him an ultimatum to contact AA in the first instance and get some help. He didn’t, and so many other things have happened in the mean time (a whole other thread worthy!) that just killed any feeling I had left for him.

The upshot is, I’m leaving. Our house is a mess and needs so much work before it can even go on the market so it’s going to take time. He flitting between being angry and crying, tbh it’s not great but I’m stuck for now.

i have part time wages, no savings and nowhere to go until money comes through from the house sale. Finances are all well hidden from me, he bins all paperwork and we have separate bank accounts.

Any practical advice on where the hell I start to get me and dc out and what things I should be thinking about?

thank you

Family solicitor should be your first place to go. Look online for good divorce solicitors in your area. I have worked in the Family Court and you are never going to get the financial information you need to sort this out without legal help - pensions, bank accounts etc Most will do 30 minute free advice to explain things to you.

You need legal advice pronto. Start keeping as much paperwork as you can. Others will be along with better advice as they have been through this. Keep going xx