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Original poster

Family dysfunction

7 replies

DysfunctionalFamily · 04/08/2023 14:41

Title says it all really, just need to vent. I'm referring to my family of origin. Emotional abuse and neglect as a child. One of two children in the unit, brother is golden child, I was scapegoated. I believe this was due to being female and probably because of my personality ( had opinions, always tried to stick up for myself). I love my brother and get on well with him, but he is favoured and it's hard.

Parents split years ago and I went no contact with my father, very abusive and didn't feel safe around him. I always saw my mother as the victim and felt sorry for her but as the years have gone on and I've become a parent myself, I see her through a different lens; can now see she is quietly manipulative and plays the weak, helpless woman around my brother. She doesn't like other women and makes this clear. Lots of derogatory comments about other women's bodies. She stood by and allowed my father to say appalling things to me and give me the silent treatment. Our childhood home was kept in very poor condition ( not a money issue) and I felt very ashamed of it and I think it affected my mental health.

I was just reflecting today, what a mess it all is. I can see it goes back generations, there's loads of dysfunction going back through each generation. I've worked very hard to be the cycle breaker but I sometimes feel sorry for myself and feel hard done by.

I've got a fantastic husband and two beautiful DC. Made a career for myself. Just reflecting on it all.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 15:09

Blimey! I could have written that myself!

Probably along with all the other stuff you've left unwritten too. Or at least comparable.

I worked very hard at breaking the cycle and I think I've succeeded but I've not seen or spoken to my mother in around 12 years now.

Original poster
DysfunctionalFamily · 04/08/2023 15:54

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 15:09

Blimey! I could have written that myself!

Probably along with all the other stuff you've left unwritten too. Or at least comparable.

I worked very hard at breaking the cycle and I think I've succeeded but I've not seen or spoken to my mother in around 12 years now.

Flowers. It's not easy is it? Being the cycle breaker? I look at my kids and I feel so happy that they haven't had to experience the pain and neglect that I did. They have a comfortable, clean home, they can focus on their education and friendships. They are loved and cared for. I've created a family unit that allows them to develop and grow. I look back now at what I endured and I feel sad and betrayed.

I think what fills me with resentment is that I'm still in contact with my mother and she appears to have reinvented herself. Remarried, new home and she hates that I bring things up from the past. I think I'm meant to have moved on, in her mind. I've never had my abuse acknowledged by her. My relationship with her is very strained and cold. It's so very fake and inauthentic.

OP posts:
MNetcurtains · 04/08/2023 17:35

Please don't let your past affect your present. Enjoy your life with your little family and let go of the resentment otherwise your mother is still making your life a misery. Don't give her any space in your mind or heart. give yourself a hug, look around at what you have and cherish it. You broke the cycle, be proud of that. Whatever your mother thinks she is or has now, she's still the same person inside and she will have to live with herself for the rest of her life. You don't have to.

Whataretalkingabout · 04/08/2023 17:59

Hello @DysfunctionalFamily, @MNetcurtains has some good advice.

Also, to truly break the cycle it is important that you come to accept your DM as she is, ie., not perfect. She is human and made mistakes, like all of us. Forgive her for your own sake, so you can move on, and not dwell in the past.

Also do not fall in the trap of seeing yourself as a victim. This is a terrible mindset to have and robs you of power in your own life. Good luck OP.

Original poster
DysfunctionalFamily · 04/08/2023 19:16

MNetcurtains · 04/08/2023 17:35

Please don't let your past affect your present. Enjoy your life with your little family and let go of the resentment otherwise your mother is still making your life a misery. Don't give her any space in your mind or heart. give yourself a hug, look around at what you have and cherish it. You broke the cycle, be proud of that. Whatever your mother thinks she is or has now, she's still the same person inside and she will have to live with herself for the rest of her life. You don't have to.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
DysfunctionalFamily · 04/08/2023 19:16

Whataretalkingabout · 04/08/2023 17:59

Hello @DysfunctionalFamily, @MNetcurtains has some good advice.

Also, to truly break the cycle it is important that you come to accept your DM as she is, ie., not perfect. She is human and made mistakes, like all of us. Forgive her for your own sake, so you can move on, and not dwell in the past.

Also do not fall in the trap of seeing yourself as a victim. This is a terrible mindset to have and robs you of power in your own life. Good luck OP.

Thank you

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/12/2023 22:13

Yes, @NoNoNanette, I think you are bang on. A lot of this behaviour continues because people want to keep harmony in the family. But in order for happen around these people, others have to be taken advantage of, put up with crap or bite their tongues. My mum felt sorry for my cousin because of her parents (and I have sympathy for that too). But mum felt we should excuse her bad behaviour (lying, attention demanding and stealing) because of it - I did not. We all want to get on well with others - but sometimes with people like this you have to be prepared to be in conflict.

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