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Original poster

What to say about marriage!

16 replies

PeppyPizza23 · 04/08/2023 14:31

Hi everyone,

Looking for some words of wisdom. Been with my partner for 14 years, engaged for 8. Since getting engaged no talk of a wedding, no saving, no planning, despite me sporadically asking and suggesting.

I actually randomly won a competition to get a free venue for a wedding but my partner is being weirdly avoidant about it all. Says he hasn't had time to look into it, is too tired to look at it, didn't want to go and visit it this week as he was "busy" but we have no plans on those days.

Funnily enough I'm getting the vibe he doesn't actually want to marry me. I have tried to have a conversation about it but he just jokes around and won't be serious about it. He sometimes jokes about 'getting a younger model' and part of me is now thinking maybe I'm just the stop gap till our little one is old enough for him to walk away or something.

I'm possibly just being over paranoid but I'm so fed up of waiting around and not feeling like a priority. Any thoughts?

Thanks - x

OP posts:
MontyDontysLinenTrousers · 04/08/2023 14:34

Plenty of thoughts. Most of them along the lines of “I want to shake this woman”.

Surely you can see he has no intention of marrying you?

tescocreditcard · 04/08/2023 14:35

Please tell me you don't live in a house that he alone owns

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2023 14:36

He has no intention of marrying you at all and an eight year engagement is in itself a red flag. He now has everything that he wants and you have no leverage, let alone power , in this relationship .

Are the property and finances held in joint names?.

Do not have a child by him under any circumstances.

Original poster
PeppyPizza23 · 04/08/2023 14:39

Thanks guys for the reality check. I feel like sometimes you just need to see it in black and white if that makes sense.

To be fair it's my first serious relationship and I'm still young so I think life events and hopeless naivety have played a part here.

No the property is jointly owned. We have always had separate finances as he has never wanted a joint account- another sign I guess, feeling rather stupid.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 14:40

Op, you have never been engaged because this man has never had any intention of marrying you. You have been sleepwalking through this relationship.

Original poster
PeppyPizza23 · 04/08/2023 14:41

I think "sleepwalking" is a really good way of describing my attitude/passivity. Thank you.

OP posts:
Peony654 · 04/08/2023 14:50

Sorry to be blunt but he doesn’t want to marry you. Cut your losses and find someone who does. You deserve so much better

Turfwars · 04/08/2023 14:51

Do not have a child by him under any circumstances. @AttilaTheMeerkat too late, OP says she's got a little one.

OP, do you work? if not, please look into getting back in to the workforce as soon as you can, and make sure he splits the childcare costs with you equally. You can't be a SAHM without the protections marriage gives you. Well you could, but that's how women get shafted by men unwilling to marry them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2023 14:56

Yes re getting back to work and asap at that.

Does your child have his surname, if so more power all too readily handed over or otherwise given up.

Time to stop sleepwalking your way through life OP. May I ask how old you are now compared to this man?

coxesorangepippin · 04/08/2023 14:58

The op has a child with him, it's in the op

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/08/2023 15:00

there does seem to be a spate of posts like this recently :/

OP he isn’t going to marry you so you have to decide whether it’s a deal breaker for you

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/08/2023 15:01

Also the ‘jokes’ about trading you in for a younger model are not funny or clever given you’re in a precarious situation

BunnyBetChetwynnd · 04/08/2023 15:01

He sometimes jokes about 'getting a younger model'

That's a cruel and unfunny joke that can only be designed to hurt and belittle you. He's no intention of marrying you and that will only be a good thing for you.

UnfunnyJester · 04/08/2023 15:04

He won't marry you.
He'll have excuses then one day, he'll say it's not working out and within 2 years, he'll be married to someone else with a baby on the way.
Seen this happen a few times.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/08/2023 15:30

The thing is, you may be able to persuade him into it but who the hell wants that?

I agree with the others that you have been sleepwalking into this, and he has no intention of marrying you. What would a life without him look like?

roses321 · 04/08/2023 15:40

Had a similar situation, he proposed, didn't save for the ring, his mother gave him money and he bought it out of that - was a very nice ring but after the proposal no discussion or saving for marriage and two years later I decided enough was enough.
He even admitted he wasn't excited about marrying me. Frankly that's not good enough for me.
I'd leave - men like this are a waste of space.

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