Feeling trapped

[Sparklecake]

Nc for this

Hi everyone

I've got some fantastic advices on here for this so I thought I could give it a go again. Nobody to talk to about this face to face.

I feel a bit trapped by my mum. Supposed to go to uni but no support. I've spent months of my time listening to my mum's gossip about her ex friends.

I've found this very draining and it brought a lot of self-esteem and depression. I dislike feeling I'm used as a councillor because it affects my MH a lot and distracts from my education.

Every time I try to talk about uni, there's stonewalling (mum) and these really bizzare lectures about waiting for my MH to get better.

However it's bad because I keep listening to her offloading on me. I feel so confused because I don't know how to be a parent to my parent.

I feel setting goals might really help me be my own person, get better self-esteem and become an individual

(I didn't include all of it, but there's a lot of trauma between us and as much as I try hard, there are lots of times when I feel hurt. Like when she goes through my room.)

I know this place has a lot of loving mums who actually support their daughters going to uni.

My question is, how do I communicate this in a logical and articulate way?

Other than outright leaving suddenly (which isn't feasible right now or moving places) how do I communicate and get good results from my parent?

Please be gentle, it hasn't been easy, i don't have anyone around I could talk about this face to face.

I don't know how to assert myself, but I need to be my own person. I didn't included bits that are bad but it's not easy.

When is it going to be my turn?

How old are you and are you moving out/away for university?

Because I very strongly suggest that you do that whether you need to or not!

Hi @GreyCarpet

Thank you for your message

Yes, I'm keen to move away and I'm 21

Can I do something in between? I'm dislike the whole situation, just wondering if there is a good way to handle it?

op you are not your mums sounding board, this is all wrong.

You should be living your own life and enjoying being in your 20S
Sadly it seems she is not going to be supportive. You have to do it for yourself as many do, it is perfectly possible, know that.
Do you have a job?
Or a Uni place for September?

Hmm. In the meantime, do you work? Have hobbies? A dog? Friends? Anything you can use to give yourself something to do so you're not listening to it all the time?

As a starting point, I'd probably establish good routines for yourself. Get up at X time, shower, breakfast, dressed, go out for a walk. That sort of thing so that you're not immediately available and, more importantly so that you have other things to do so that you're not available for potentially 6 hours to be on the receiving end of it!

Also, be aware that she might be intentionally sabotaging University for you and undermining your confidence/plans by mentioning your poor MH. It's likely she's scared of losing you to it.

To give you some context, my mum tried to sabotage my brother leaving for university because she was scared of living alone. I have two children one who has recently graduated and one who is applying this year. I've also been a single parent for lost of their lives. I'm so bloody proud of them! I wouldn't do or say anything to undermine them or make it difficult for them to go.

I suspect your mum has others issues at play here but they are hers to resolve and not yours. You absolutely do not have to be a parent to your parent.

Do you know what you want to study, and where?

Have you completed level 3/ A level qualifications? And English and Math GCSEs to at least a 4?

The National Careers Service ( in England) gives free career guidance- it may be worth trying .

Thanking you @GreyCarpet for supportive feedback. I do have a routine and a couple of acquintances who may become friends.

I started taking SSRI's to better cope with volatile atmosphere at home, so I feel collected and calm.

It bothers me a bit because I feel healthy when on my own, and my support system isn't that strong, but there is so much emphasis on my MH, while I suppose no mention of her MH and seeking aid

Absolutely wonderful you had experience of goals being accomplished and support.

It bothers me a bit because I feel healthy when on my own, and my support system isn't that strong, but there is so much emphasis on my MH, while I suppose no mention of her MH and seeking aid

You need to focus on how you feel when you're on your own. That's the real you. Not how you feel when you're being dragged down by someone else.

What are you going to study?

Hello OP, You sound like a bright and compassionate young person.
I wouldn't wait for " your turn" from your mum because she doesn't sound capable of being a good parent since she is unloading her problems on you.

You need to focus on meeting your own needs in a different way, through healthy friendships, a part-time job, sports groups or any other group activity to meet other healthy minded people. If you could find a mentor or substitute parent/ adult friend who could give you good advice in real life that would be good to.

Keep listening to your heart and intuition about life and you won't go wrong.

It will really help you to get away.

Do you have the qualifications to get into university? Have you previously written a personal statement? What would you like to do after university - people on here might be able to recommend a good course.