Why can I not stop thinking about ex, split 12 years ago

[Merrz]

Someone needs to give me a shake!

Started dating ex when I was 17, 1st love. We stayed together 5 years, lived together for almost 4. I was absolutely infatuated with him however couldn't live with his lifestyle, nagged him about it constantly and eventually left. This was 12 years ago. All very amicable. no hard feelings between us, have bumped into him on occasion and he still speaks to my family and mutual friends.

I have since married and had DC. Not sure me and DH are 'soul mates' but he's a good man, great dad, we get on well and have made a really nice life together, although it's been a bit of a strain on our relationship the last couple of years with young kids. Recently though I've been thinking a lot about my ex. and have built up a bit of a fantasy in my head of a life we could have together. I heard he'd been on holiday with mutual friends and how he's single and never settled since we split. I think I could send 1 message and he'd be straight here. Why am i having these thoughts, i need to get this out my head before i do something really stupid! I think it must be the need for the excitement after the last few years being knee deep in nappys and sleep deprived?

I have had this before - I am married, no kids. I have an ex fiancé who I do think about from time to time; I go off on a tangent of thoughts wondering what could have been, did I end things too abruptly, was it the right call? I don’t understand where it came from. I never had those thoughts when I was dating and engaged to my husband. Hubby is great, we are the best of friends and he is a great provider, has never risen his voice to me, listens to my nagging and complaints and reassures me. But… I know the niggling feeling you are talking about. I wonder am I just a bit bored or do I miss the life I had with my ex. It wasn’t rosey so I really shouldn’t be thinking this way. It’s a tough one to figure out. Just wanted to say I know what ur going through x

Thanks for replies. @Rockyroad101 it's strange isn't it, I was the same, only recently started having these thoughts, after having 2nd dc I think. Exactly, he is my ex for a reason, i only really thought of him before to think my life is better without him so not sure why I'm thinking this now. I do wonder if it's a bit of being bored/too comfortable.

I think I could send 1 message and he'd be straight here.

What are you basing that on?

I am kind of going through this just now. I spilt with my ex nearly 20 years ago but I still have contact with him from time to time and am friends with his sister on facebook so have seen recent pictures she has posted of family events where he is with his girlfriend. Finding it a bit of a hammerblow and I don't know why as I wasn't the best girlfriend at times, we met when we were pretty young however and were together for 10 years so we have a lot of history. I did try and apologise for my behaviour but he said the past is what it is and has ignored me on previous occasions we hsve been in each other's company. It may be best to focus on the life you have now as often it is our past carefree existence we are craving..not easy I know, I totally sympathise.

It's difficult to find someone who tickets all the right boxes. They might have a great personality, but wants a different life or lifestyle to you, or they might be great with kids, but don't want any of their own.

You've found someone you've managed to build a settled life with, and time time too to have kids, but I don't think you're entirely happy with him. Take your feelings towards your ex as a lesson about your current relationship, not some kind of divine message that you're meant to be together. Also, your ex and you were never tested with the stresses & strains of family life.

Sounds a bit full of myself actually doesn't it, he may well tell me to fuck off! He tried hard to get me back when we first split up and has always implied that he would like us to be together any time I've seen him since and from what I've heard through mutual friends, although it's about 5 years since the last time I actually saw him.

Sounds like life is really harmed at the moment and it's nice to escape to fantasy mode to try manage.
But, I guess that's a slippery slope, and better to focus on changing and making your current relationship as good as possible.

Esther Perel has excellent advice on this / lots of info on YouTube.

Thank you for your message, this is helpful. Thinking about it, it is totally a reflection on my current life/relationship rather than to do with my ex really.