AIBU

[raisingwildones]

DP has started going to the gym every morning before work, getting up at 5.30 & usually waking kids dd1 and dd4 up on his way out. This week I haven't been well & also work 10 hour days myself. AIBU to expect him to have a day off the gym to get up with the kids when im poorly / tired from working etc .. it's school hols so I have both kids off with me on my days off and it's a long day from 5.30-7pm. I just feel like he lives his life however he pleases & i do everything else. He can't understand why I'm upset by it all the time & it's really causing a divide in our relationship.

He's just started going to the gym? Out of character?

Maybe he's had his head turned?!

Oh fgs

How is he waking the kids? Is he loud and clattering about getting ready or does it not take much for them to be disturbed?

He should be being extra quiet at that hour. In the short term he could skip it while you're ill but if you're going to randomly say he can't go longer term because you're tired that's not really fair. I need exercise for my mental health. I'd be happy to forgo it if my partner was ill but not general tiredness.

I read a cheaters sub for 'fun' and sudden uptake of a new hobby or gym is one of the cheaters signs they are either trying to look better naked or to get you used to them disappearing to facilitate future meet ups with their AP so no that poster wasn't talking nonsense however it isn't what you asked op... I think work tiredness is bound to happen regularly but a one off serious illness is a different thing to just feeling a bit tired. It could be you're jealous and want to sabotage him or it could be a bigger thing where he does his own thing without consideration to you as part of a pattern. It depends on how ill and tired you were and how often this happens.

I think if you both work the children are a shared responsibility outside working hours. So there is no automatic assumption that one person always gets up with them. And when one if you is unwell the other might well need to step in. Reckon that's what you need to work on - he thinks you're the default childcare.

Have you asked him to be quiet to not wake the kids on his way to the gym?

My two get up at 5:00-5:30 every day and are the same age as yours. I do think it's just par for the course with young children.

What's he like when he's not working?

Clearing up a few things....

I have no concerns of cheating and don't even know why that's been brought up as it's not the issue at all.

My kids are easy to wake & have always been early risers. I don't mind getting up early with them.

I meant this week i have been poorly and not sleeping, therefore tired , obviously I don't expect him to skip the gym on days when I am just tired but even then, I don't think that's unreasonable either, I'm not asking him to have a day off work just not go to the gym for one day of the week.

The main issue for me is that I just feel like he does whatever he wants with no consideration for me and the kids.

Obviously it would be nice for him to get up with the kids once in a blue moon...

Of course he should skip the gym if you’re unwell. I think it’s telling that he doesn’t.

Also I wouldn't say it's a serious illness either. But I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to have ONE day off the gym when I am not well. Like I said I don't expect him to have a day off work just get up with the kids for one day...

Definitely not unreasonable for him to give the gym a miss out and help in the morning, especially if you’re not feeling well.
Can you chat with him and come to an agreement about the days he goes to the gym? Also ask him to get everything ready the night before and try harder not to wake the children.

@Hiddenvoice feel like we have the same argument all the time and he just can't see my point of view. He makes me feel like I am being unreasonable

What does he think you’re being unreasonable about? Any chance you could get out before him one morning, waking the children up and leaving him to deal with a full day of it? I know it’s a lot harder to do but it might be the only way he realises how tricky it is!

I try and go to the gym most mornings as my DH does drop offs and I do pick ups and then evening activities. However, I pack my bag the night before and leave steathlike, I do not wake anyone up! Also if my DH needs to go into work early or something else pops up where me going to the gym doesn't work, I don't go!

He should be a little more considerate. Where is chivalry? Perhaps you should raise this with him?

My husband used to act in the same way. I'd tell him he needs to look after the kids as I am feeling poorly, and it's something he would have to do.

You’re making excuses. He SHOULD be doing is fair share with the kids. Full stop. They are not just yours. My partner gets up with the kids if I’m just a bit tired, infact he will do it even if I’m not tired! Because they are his kids too, no way would it ever be left to me every morning, and I don’t need an excuse for a lie in. Stop making excuses for him and being ok with bare minimum. He needs to be doing his share of early wakings with the kids.