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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you drop the rope in reality?

7 replies

JoanneV · 03/08/2023 23:37

I see a lot of replies from posters on this forum about dropping the rope and grey rock techniques. I've read about these but despite trying them I'm at a loss in certain situations.

Like today dp shouted at me for something innocuous he perceived as me rushing him (I wasn't). Immediately I got angry because I don't like anyone shouting at me. How would I "drop the rope" in this scenario? I don't want him to believe his behaviour is acceptable if I just stay silent or don't react?

OP posts:
ClementWeatherToday · 04/08/2023 00:18

Dropping the rope and grey rock are techniques to help people cope with abusive behaviour from others.

Is your DP abusive?

Original poster
JoanneV · 04/08/2023 04:44

@ClementWeatherToday he can be, verbally. I'm usually good at diffusing situations and making him see reason before he gets to the shouting/rage stage but don't know what to do when it starts with yelling.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 04/08/2023 04:55

Sorry but you cannot grey rock or drop the rope with someone you are married to/sharing a bed with/having sex with...

The whole point is to create distance from people you have maintain some level of contact with. Not distance from the person you love/loves you the most....

LinesAndDot · 04/08/2023 05:03

‘Dropping the rope’ and ‘grey rock’ are techniques used to manage relationships that are essentially over in your mind, but require unavoidable lingering contact for some reason. Eg - ex husband, you have children with and just still communicate. Parents or in-laws or relatives you don’t wish to cut out of your life completely, but are limiting time with.

It is not designed for what you propose and will not work.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/08/2023 05:09

When my husband gets agro over stupid stuff and starts telling me off I look down and walk away quickly. This works with him because he can see he has upset me. Because he didn’t actually want to upset me, and probably didn’t mean to use the tone of voice he did, if I tell him off back it turns into an argument. This way I always end up getting an apology.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2023 05:17

If he is abusive towards you then the relationship is over. The technique of dropping the rope is not designed for what you want to use it for as Linesanddot writes.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

manova366 · 04/08/2023 05:53

Seconding, thirding, and fourthing the comments above that these strategies are meant to be used to distance you from manipulation and abuse, and minimise their effects on you.
They're not meant to be used in a healthy relationship and if you feel the need to use them your relationship doesn't sound healthy.
Constantly having to defuse situations to prevent him getting angry sounds like you're walking on eggshells.
Feeling hurt/angry/upset if your husband shouts at you are valid responses.
In a healthy relationship, it would be appropriate for you to say to him "Don't speak to me like that" or "Don't shout at me", and he would acknowledge the impact of his anger on you and try to modify his behaviour. But I'm getting the impression that wouldn't happen here?

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