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Original poster

Should I ask him directly...

11 replies

datinginmy40s · 03/08/2023 21:26

Been speaking to a guy for over five weeks. We've text a lot and FaceTimed four times at over 11/2-2hrs at a time! We keep trying to plan dates but they always fall through.. he lives a couple of hours away! I'm starting to lose my patience now and want to just ask him directly if it's ever going to happen... or do you think I should leave it and ghost him (seems really immature thing to do at 40)! I know also, I'm probably being very naive here!

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 03/08/2023 21:42

There must surely be men who live closer you could date? You can spend hours and weeks and months messaging but it means nothing till you meet in real life.

JibbaJab · 03/08/2023 21:43

Why do they fall through and how many times?

You could say youre disappointed plans have fallen through previously and would really like to meet for real, can we plan something when we can both definitely commit to?

Or be more upfront and ask if there is a reason and whether he wants to meet and would prefer he be direct as you can't keep getting hopes up.

Then if it happens again walk away from it.

Catlord · 03/08/2023 21:44

Is it mostly him cancelling? If so and you don'twant to just stop answering then I'd say 'well, it's been fun chatting but we don't seem to be getting anywhere with a date, do we?! Looks like we just have clashing schedules so I'm going to leave it here but good luck '.

Plenty just seem to want someone to chit chat to. Not sure why but there you go. Duck out as this can eat up hours as you've seen.

If the excuses have been from your side in part and you want to try once more, maybe give it one more chance and ask if he's around this weekend for a coffee. If he can't confirm a date then I'd go for the above. No point texting a random forever more.

GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 06:29

I wouldn't ghost but I wouldn't continue this. I'd also just explain that you haven't been able to make the time to even meet each other irl so dating doesn't look viable.

I wouldn't ask him what he wants - make the decision for yourself. This is taking up a lot of your time but isn't going anywhere. Have you really got nothing better to do?

I read something a few years ago - probably on here! I'm paraphrasing but it was something like If the wrong person is blocking the doorway, the right one can't get through.

I mentioned it to my late teen/early 20s son at the time and he now says it always comes to mind if he is dating someone and it just doesn't feel 'right' somehow.

1WayOnly · 04/08/2023 06:38

Why the heck would you spend 5 weeks chatting for hours to a guy you've never physically met and who lives 2 hours away?

Sounds like he's getting his needs met like this and doesn't care enough to meet up with you, maybe he thinks 2 hours each way is too far for anything to happen anyway and is just passing time with you. I think you should send him a text saying this isn't working for you anymore. Ghosting is so immature, you spent ages sharing so much undoubtedly just tell him you're not feeling it.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 04/08/2023 06:42

In the gentlest way OP - he's just not that into you....
Just let this one go, no need to ghost, but make a clean break and move on

Dery · 04/08/2023 09:15

I think both men and women look to women for day-to-day emotional connection. You don’t need a man in your life to have deep and meaningful chats about life and relationships but he may well need a woman for those things. So you’re thinking that all this virtual connecting is leading up to a date whereas he may be getting everything he needs just from the chats.

It’s decades since I’ve dated but, in my experience, if a man is sufficiently interested, he’ll make it happen. If it’s not happening, it’s because he’s not sufficiently interested. When I was dating, I spent ages trying to persuade myself there were reasons other than disinterest keeping an apparently available man at a distance but things became much simpler when I understood that there weren’t. You don’t need to ghost him, though. Just say - you’ve enjoyed the chats but you think the distance and your respective schedules have shown this is not going to happen.

Original poster
datinginmy40s · 04/08/2023 10:29

Thanks for all the helpful replies. All totally make sense. And I've given my head a wobble and just sent a message saying I'm not after a pen pal and this isn't really serving me that well. Xxx loads of really helpful perspectives thank you xx

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/08/2023 10:37

Dery · 04/08/2023 09:15

I think both men and women look to women for day-to-day emotional connection. You don’t need a man in your life to have deep and meaningful chats about life and relationships but he may well need a woman for those things. So you’re thinking that all this virtual connecting is leading up to a date whereas he may be getting everything he needs just from the chats.

It’s decades since I’ve dated but, in my experience, if a man is sufficiently interested, he’ll make it happen. If it’s not happening, it’s because he’s not sufficiently interested. When I was dating, I spent ages trying to persuade myself there were reasons other than disinterest keeping an apparently available man at a distance but things became much simpler when I understood that there weren’t. You don’t need to ghost him, though. Just say - you’ve enjoyed the chats but you think the distance and your respective schedules have shown this is not going to happen.

@Dery always gives such good advice.

Men are so able to take as much of your emotional time without it meaning a whit to them really.

How often have women had a good male friend that is nowhere to be seen once a woman they have interest in, appears.

I read excellent advice on here to not waste YOUR time chatting endlessly.

If he's not meeting you after two chats, dump, he's only wasting YOUR time, filling his.

Good luck.

pictoosh · 04/08/2023 10:43

Good for you. I agree with the pp who said sufficient interest will result in sufficient effort. It's a great way of putting it. Don't waste any more time on someone who isn't sufficiently interested.

Dery · 04/08/2023 12:00

Thanks @billy1966! You, too!

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