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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bad relationship with mother

2 replies

Helpmytrauma · 03/08/2023 19:56

I have name changed for this. I have feelings of resentment for my mother. She is an ok grandmother to my children but I had a bad childhood and she will not address it when I’ve tried to speak about it in the past. She split from my dad when I was 15. I am 33 now. My dad was an alcoholic so wasn’t the best example either. My mother has always suffered with depression and possibly something more. She never got help for this and I have memories of her threatening suicide in front of me and my sister, attempting it (well, picking up a knife and holding it to herself), and telling us she didn’t love us. And much more. She has always been happy to live off of others and has never had any ambition or drive to do anything. She constantly borrows money from my sister yet complains about her lack of savings or money. This is a side issue but really irritates me more than it probably should due to the past. I didn’t realise just how much this had all affected me until I had my own children throughout my 20s. I see her regularly and I have tried to address this by writing a letter but she denies it all and blames “the bad marriage with your father” for her failure to seek help for her mental health. I have had a bout of therapy years ago but nothing shakes the memories. The lack of care and love was the worst I think. I’ve had to slowly build my own confidence with the help of my husband. Has anyone else been in a similar situation with a parent, and how did you deal with it? I have feelings of resentment and anger and it’s at the point I dislike her massively. I don’t want to feel this way but it’s getting worse. I can’t relate to looking up to a parent like my friends can.

OP posts:
Sprinkl3 · 03/08/2023 20:18

I sympathise a lot OP. I remember as a child noticing that other peoples mums weren't like mine and seemed so much more interested/ nurturing/ caring. But it took me becoming a mum myself to realise that showing your children you love them really isn't that difficult. I've had therapy to finally accept my childhood for what it was because she would never acknowledge it (all I got was 'did I do anything right?'). Ultimately OP put your attention on your kids and use your own experience to know how to do better for your own family. You mention that you see your mum a lot - it helps me to limit contact time with her as it brings back a lot of memories.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 20:20

I am nc with dm. Best part of 20 years. I was unable to be a decent dd and share with her my dc given the sort of dm she had been...
Walking away gave me back control. As an adult I felt I needed that.

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