Friendships - when do you give up?

[LonelyFlans]

In the last 10-15 years or so I've lost touch with lots of friends (drifted, they've moved away, preoccupied with kids etc).

It's sad, as we don't have many friends now except those we've know for 20-30 years (school/college friends that we see 1-2 times a year).

But there's a few of our remaining friends who never make the effort to contact us (it's always us contacting them) or who either don't reply to messages or take forever to reply. There are 3 friends at the moment in particular who are doing this. Half of me wants to give up on them, the other half wonders if they're ok or struggling (so don't have the headspace to reply).

I'm not hassling them all the time - usually once around school holidays (lots of teacher friends).

At what point do I draw a line under things and forget about them? I feel like it's time, but am doubting myself.

There’s no hard and fast rules to these things but to me It sounds like you should leave your three friends to it. If they want to reach out in future they can, but perhaps now isn’t the best time for them so you should respect that and respect your own time too.

And if they never reach out again I guess they were over the friendship and you've got your answer!

I’ve one friend who takes minimum one month to reply, I’ll reply the same day then I don’t hear again for 1-3 months. I don’t know if she’s going through something but I’ve decided to leave it with her to make contact as it’s been me making the effort over the past year. Another friend I’ve not heard from since last summer but in the years leading up to that it was usually me making the effort to arrange lunch up or catch up calls. She’s not blocked, she can message me and I’ll reply but I no longer feel like I’m solely responsible to keep communication going.

so yeah I’d say just keep an open door if you feel like it but otherwise move on and focus on the ones who show they want to be in your life!

Thanks @Oatycookies - I think you're right. It seems like a shame when we've all been through a lot together, but ultimately I don't want to "pursue" them if they're not interested/don't have time.

The same thing has happened to me and my friends. A lot have drifted for various reasons, and some I try and keep in touch with but it feels like I’m bashing my head against a brick wall. I’ve decided to take a step back and see if I hear from them. There’s no point chasing people who are giving off the vibe that they don’t want to be chased.

It's sad but friends do drift apart. Life gets busy, people's priorities change, even personalities can change as we grow older.

You've made the effort to reach out before so just leave them to it now.

I had a best friend from uni who I thought I would be friends with forever. And then slowly, it just faded. She would always take weeks to reply to my messages, and then eventually wouldn't even respond unless I then messaged her again.

It's hard, but you're better off putting all that energy into people who do want to make the effort with you.

I think it’s very common.

Ive stopped bothering with “friends” who can’t be arsed to respond or conversely, spontaneously contact me.

I think I invest too much in friendships so I’ve started to step back.

My door is however, always open.

Interesting thread….for me, today, anyway! I sent a message to a friend earlier who I haven’t been in contact with for about 18 months or so. We don’t live close and have been busy with family/careers etc. The last time she tried to contact me (and worth pointing out at that point she hadn’t responded to my previous message for at least six months) I was in a rather miserable place, I’m feeling way better now. Sadly she’s ignored it - it’s ok, I get if she’s happy to permanently drift, just one of those things. It’s a little sad though.

I think you should let them drift. If they wanted to, they would. If it’s giving you a headache and stressing you out, decide to let it go. I would be feeling the same as you in this position.

I totally get this too. The older I get, the less effort I will put into friendships that are one sided. I would never ignore someone though and I just find that plain rude. I've lost contact with a few friends over the years because I've stopped being the one to keep suggesting meeting up. I know people have different needs and expectations from friendships but if they're not meeting your needs then just let it fade out.