Alcohol and husband

[FGSPutTheBeerDown]

Hello, I wanted to know if I'm justified in my thinking about splitting up with my husband. Here is the background

I've told him he drinks too much. I just hate that every time he is at home with us, his family he drinks. So every evening after work and weekends. Hobbys he has generally involve drinking too. He's drinking around 4-6 cans of beer a night and sometimes that's a bottle of wine instead. He hides drinks like at the moment he's been drinking a bottle of wine that's been stashed in a bag in his wardrobe. Slowly been going down all week and now the empty bottle is just left. When I say anything to him about his drinking like this and hiding it, drinking mid week etc he's in complete denial, which makes me question myself....I hate all of this

He leaves all parenting to me. He would argue that he's not allowed to put the kids to bed but they prefer me to do it as he gets angry and shouting and lack of patience. Mainly because he wants to go back downstairs to watch TV and drink in peace. I will take over this as I feel it's not good for the kids. He forgets to feed the kids and just makes his own food. If I'm out that night for a few hours, I just know the kids are still up and not fed, Last night it was 10pm and I was making food and putting them to bed. Sometimes on a weekend, if he' tired, he will go to bed whilst the kids are still up and I'm out of the house but due back home. It's just so selfish. Barely cleans, gardens etc. It's all left to me. We both work full time out of the house. I do school drop offs/clubs.

I've tried to talk to him about his drinking but he switches off. He wont discuss it. He will leave the room/house. Or on the odd time he will stay to discuss, he will listen and stay quiet and say he will change things and will then come walking in later on with a box of beers/wine or whatever. He also said the other day that as he works all week, he is entitled to drink whenever he wants. All of his colleagues/friends do and am I suggesting that all of those are alcoholics too?? I just don't want this around our children. The angry undertones, the walking on egg shells, slammed doors, swearing in front of the kids.

When I talk about splitting up, he says he doesn't want to and will not leave. I've confided in my PIL hoping that they will help me with him. I know there is not much they can do as he's an adult. They said he can stay there of course if he does leave. His mum is trying to minimise how much he drinks and asking if it is really causing an issue day to day etc enough to not stay and take the shit basically. In all honestly it's not everyday causing an issue but it's his long term health, ability to work, children growing up in this environment and seeing it as normal plus mine and his relationship is gone. I don't feel anything for him anymore. We don't have sex/do anything together anymore. I've not told them that.

I just want to be happy

I was married to a man like this. I’m sorry to say it didn’t get better and we are now divorced. I’ve spent a lot of time talking with other people who have experienced living with a problem drinker and they all say the same thing. You cannot stop another person from drinking, the realisation that they need to stop has to come from them. Often it comes when they have hit rock bottom and decide to put down the shovel.

At the moment he has no incentive to change. He is still a family man, still has a wife that does everything around the house and takes care of the kids. Still has a job that pays for the alcohol. Everything is fine in his world.

You have to decide what is in your best interests and the best interests of your children. Do you want them growing up with a parent who has an alcohol problem? Can you spend another 5, 10, 15 years with this man? My alcoholic refused to leave the family home, so I left him and went to stay with family until our divorce was sorted and I could buy a place of my own. Is this an option for you?

In the kindest way possible, you need to start thinking about yourself and your children. You sound very unhappy and you don’t have to live like this.

Yes thats what im thinking “he has no incentive to stop” hes got it good at the moment. Of course he doesnt want it to change. I already feel like a single parent with no support

the 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You are correct to be thinking about splitting up with your husband and besides which you only need to give your own self permission to leave. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

He’s likely ruined more than enough family occasions and holidays already. How many times have you had to cover for him too?. Alcoholism is not called the “family disease” without good reason as your kids and you are profoundly affected by his alcoholism.

Put you and your kids now front and centre in your life, do not continue to raise them with a drunkard for a father. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have removed yourself from this man. At present you are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses: codependent, enabler and provoker (because you never forget).

You can only help your own self and your kids ultimately because your h does not want your help or support. Of course he does not want to leave, you prop him up currently. I doubt his parents will be of much help to you because his mother enables him and will further shield him from the consequences of his actions, you don’t be able to rely on them much if at all either.

Seek legal advice re divorce and start proceedings, then he will see you are serious then in intent. Do not attempt mediation with him.

He is both doing and saying all the things alcoholics say and do.

Like so many alcoholics as well he is in denial and that is a powerful force. You need to get of the meet go around named denial as well.

its like i can tell hes had a drink, i might not see him with a drink sometimes but you can tell in their eyes/face and if i get close, i can smell it. But then he will deny hes drank. Its very confusing. Sometimes i feel im going mad, it drives you nuts

Listen to @AttilaTheMeerkat . I was married to one of these too. It only gets worse, and it has a massive effect on the children. Remember that you also have your own rock bottom, and if this is it then you can calmly and quietly divorce him. He doesn't have to agree. It will be tough, but once you are out on the other side life will be so.much better.

He is drinking enough to seriously affect his health. And no, most people don't drink like him. Mine died at 58 because he drank like that.

"Hello, I wanted to know if I'm justified in my thinking about splitting up with my husband."

Yes, you are very justified and you should split up. This isn't good for you or your children.

I'm curious as to how old your children are. If he's forgetting to feed them & going to bed before them & they're too young to make a basic meal for themselves, that is neglect.

Thank you. Im arguing i want to split and listing reasons. Hes shaking his head, saying no theyre not good enough reasons and hes normal in his actions and im not! Drives you potty

Hes early 40s and been drinking like this for a long time ~20 years. Not as much but it slowly crept up over the years. Time for a change but its going to be hard to get him to understand

Kids are 10 and 14

My ex was like this, probably not as bad but I used to get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach when I heard him coming home and could hear the clinking of the bottles in the shopping bag.

I am glad I left because he would pass out early, any film we'd watch would be just me left asleep and if I went to bed without him he'd kick off until he got used to it - if I woke him up I'd have to treat him with kid gloves and he'd often fall back asleep immediately.
It's not worth the hassle to be honest, I grew up with an alcoholic father as well and I had a lot of issues as a result, I would personally tell him that you want some time to consider the situation and either go somewhere yourself or ask him to leave because you want a break to think things through, perhaps that will give him some time to consider his priorities.
If he refuses point blank to leave then honestly I would start investigating divorce proceedings and say to him that you're seriously considering that as an option - I just really think that people like this will carry on until you put some consequences in.

He can shake his head all he wants, but you don't need his agreement. The process of no fault divorce in the UK is very slow, cumbersome and flawed, but it does not require his agreement. So just do it. Cool, calm and factual. If he kicks off in any way, call the police.

I have asked for some space. Him to move out for a month so we could get space/assess. He said no. Probably knows id cope well as i do everything as it is. I might just have to apply for a divorce. No doubt, that would all be settled and we receive final confirmation of the divorce and he will still refuse to leave !

How would it go if you had to put the house on the market? Because that would be the logical next step. It needs planning though.

Were council rented so no house to sell but its in both names

Are you paying equally for it? I'm not sure what your finances are but perhaps you should seek some legal advice and start making some plans.

My ex partner was the same, refused to leave our home despite being abusive and telling me it was over, he also drinks too much and refused to see the issue. Had high blood pressure which ran in his family and blamed me for it.

I left our home which was very hard, I am living in much lesser means now but the peace is just so much nicer than living with him in fear was. It took a while to adjust but I saw a solicitor who gave me options.

It is worth really considering your situation and seeing what you could do, and Refuge are very good as well and can give you advice even if it's not domestic violence they can still help you out and provide legal support if you're eligible.

You're so close to your freedom and happiness OP, please....just do it!
He won't stop drinking. He will be drinking a lot more than you know. He will get worse not better. He's a terrible father and husband.
You can be happy, but not until you separate. Don't let days become weeks, become years and decades until you've lost so much of your life. Your time is now.