Tattoo and partner

[Plussizemum]

So when I met my partner I had a couple of tattoos, he’s always openly hated tattoos but he knew I had them and it was fine. 5 years down the line, a child later I decided I wanted their name tattood as I had their siblings name already. It only seemed right to have both and it was something I wanted. I like tattoos but for me, mine needed to mean something not just to be random (not that I think that’s a bad thing for people who choose to do that).
Anyway it ended up the tattoo time got bought for me as a gift, my partner couldn’t hide how annoyed he was and how upset he was that someone who knew his dislike for tattoos would gift this. He hasn’t been angry about it with me upfront but there’s snide comments, the day I had it done he was distant and quiet, he won’t look at it, talk about it etc. Now I feel like I have to hide it, I’ve been made to feel like I’ve done something wrong. He isn’t a bad guy I’m not painting him out to be he’s always very easy going and I guess this is why I don’t know how to get around this feeling of uneasiness.
Am I on the wrong for getting it? I don’t know, I’m not even sure what I want from this thread.

@AvidMerrian im not expecting him to like it or anything just to accept that it’s there not get stropy even when I mention it to someone else. I out of respect said I’d never get any more but I’ve all along said if I had another kid I’d obviously get there name to match and leave it at that so why can’t he respect the fact that that’s what I’ve always said

I’ve all along said if I had another kid I’d obviously get there name to match and leave it at that so why can’t he respect the fact that that’s what I’ve always said

@Plussizemum You're right, that makes it even less reasonable for him to be really snotty about it. You're not doing anything unexpected.

@Wherearemymarbles i get people don’t like tattoos and obviously had them before we met but he accepted I had them when we got together. I’ve said I wouldn’t get anymore out of respect for him and how strongly he doesn’t like it but on the same score I always said if I had another child I’d have one to match as it’s unfair otherwise but that’s the only time.

@porridgeisbae i guess it’s a subject people obviously have difference of opinions on. It’s not like I came home with a random tattoo just to piss him off.

I agree.

I kind of wouldn't like a partner who was weird about my body and stuff I chose to do with my look, anyway. You only get one life.

Mixed view about this.

I definitely understand where he’s coming from, but if you’ve got one child’s name already, you can hardly leave the other child out.

that comparison is actually great - imagine someone throwing a tantrum os sulking because their partner shaved their head or chose to wear sandals with socks. i dont think i'd be able to live it down, every sunday dinner would include a reminder of my sanity taking a day off 🤣

Side note: my ex hated my tattoos and he absolutely saw it as disrespect towards him that i continued to get more. in a grand scheme of things this was just another way his nasty personality and attitude towards me (and women on general) manifested

OP - fyi I am totally on your side in all this.
Its very obvious if you had another child you’d have their name too.
If someone hates tattoo’s and still dates someone with them they have accept they may want to get more. Very often, ‘one more’ is never enough!

hence I wouldn’t date someone with them because its not up to me to tell them how many tattoo’s they can have in the future.

I don't think this is as black-and-white as some here suggest.

1 I hope no one is seriously suggesting that it is not for the OP alone to decide what they do with their body. If she wants to have another tattoo, that is her right. But....

2 I don't know much about tattoos but I think I am right in saying they can be removed. If that is right, it seems to me to be wrong to argue, as some people here seem to be, that she almost had no choice but to have a tattoo of her second child's name bearing in mind she had a tattoo of her first child's name: she had a choice between removing the first child tattoo and adding a second child tattoo and she chose to do the latter.

3 Just as it is the OP's right to do what they want with their body, it is her partner's right to decide what person he spends his life with. Having said that, I would hope that, if a person is thinking of making a change to themselves that their partner knows would make the partner less attracted (or whatever) to that person, the partner would speak up so that the person is able to take a fully informed decision. He did in this case.

4 So the OP chose to have a tattoo they did not need to have even though they knew it would make their partner at the very least temporarily unhappy (and possibly less attracted to the OP). Viewed from that perspective, I am not sure what the OP is expecting us to say. Maybe "you roll the dice and take your chance"?

1 I hope no one is seriously suggesting that it is not for the OP alone to decide what they do with their body.

@1Ta1T Yes when it comes to this superficial/trivial issue and most issues. Tattoos are very safe nowadays, she's unlikely to be taking a risk of disease by having one.

I don't know much about tattoos but I think I am right in saying they can be removed. If that is right, it seems to me to be wrong to argue, as some people here seem to be, that she almost had no choice but to have a tattoo of her second child's name bearing in mind she had a tattoo of her first child's name: she had a choice between removing the first child tattoo and adding a second child tattoo and she chose to do the latter.

Most people wouldn't remove a name of their child. The symbolism of that would just seem wrong. The older child could well be old enough to realise she's done it, too.

The results of removal can be unimpressive with it just leaving a ghost/visible outline of what the tattoo was behind, and it's a long and expensive process, more so than writing the word.

just as it is the OP's right to do what they want with their body, it is her partner's right to decide what person he spends his life with

Yes, this writing of one word would be a pretty daft reason to split with someone though (unless someone were using it as an excuse.) Maybe if someone eventually got tattoos over a massive portion of their body that they didn't before.

So the OP chose to have a tattoo they did not need to have

You feel she doesn't have to have it. She feels she should have it.

they knew it would make their partner at the very least temporarily unhappy

There's being inwardly unhappy and there's casting a cloud over the house by how they demonstrate it. Some men do that and it's really unpleasant.

Who paid for the tattoo?

Maybe that is the key here?

Who paid for the tattoo?

I'd assume she paid the £60 or whatever for her own tattoo.

Who paid for the tattoo?

@RedDoughnut Ah OP says in her post that she didn't even pay for it, the time was paid for as a, probably unexpected, present from family.

It's up to you what you do, not him.

I meant who gave the gift of the tattoo?

If the partner has a bad relationship with them was the tattoo paid for to annoy them? Because it seems to have worked.

some people give off strong vibes of this guy who dated a professional surfer and then was upset she was a professional surfer

@1Ta1T no, you dont get to change people and things they like about themselves. you definitely dont get to demand a painful, expensive and long process of tattoo removal of a sentimental design!

the sensible thing to do is to NOT date someone with tattoos and to not have children with them, not sulk when they dont change

So I don’t understand alot of the comments about how I’ve chosen to do something that risks me becoming unattractive to my other half. I had 2 previous tattoos before he knew me. The third was always upfront and honest that I’d be getting it if I was to have another child so that was as accepted as me already having tattoos.
mid hes that shallow that I suddenly became unattractive over a very small easily hide able tattoo then tbh good riddance to him because I sure as hell love him more than the very small imperfections he has. Ive not lied about what I’ve done, the tattoo was gifted by a family member to mark a milestone birthday with their thought being it’s something you can have a love forever. No one was trying to be nasty or malicious, I also sat him down before I had it done (and even though I’d said I was getting this tattoo) and said straight if you 100% don’t want me to get this tattoo tell me now to which he said I want you to do what makes you happy.
This is why the mood afterwards and for days later upset me because I was willing to give it up if that’s what he absolutely wanted. Anyway he’s over it now he’s got used to it and the awkwardness is done with.

ExH told me if I got a tattoo or a body piercing he would divorce me straight away.

I divorced him after discovering his affair whilst I was miscarrying.

I'm happily tattooed and pierced all over now and super happy! In fact, the first tattoo was done two weeks after we split.

I divorced him after discovering his affair whilst I was miscarrying.

Ugh so sorry to hear that @OldTinHat

So glad you're enjoying your self-expression and freedom from control.

For everyone saying you can't have one child's name and not another, of course you can.

DP has his 2 eldest children's names but not the 3rd. There is a 10 year age gap between number 2 and number 3, by which time he realised how awful the they looked once they were blurry with age (now 20 years old).

One has been covered with a bigger piece so now he has one child's name visible. It means nothing to the children who are now adults. It's not an indicator of his love for them.

Being the younger child by a long way, I can assure you I hated the fact that stuff was done for the older ones and not for me.

It gave me a real feel of not being treated as important as the others …

so yeah you can not do but not all children will feel
like yours do.

I think besides him not liking tattoos, it could simply be he doesn't like change. I've had natural cosmetic enhancements done and H went mad. Even though he knew I was getting them and I knew he didn't want me to. I think the healing process and how it looks straight after was a shock.

I recently decided after breastfeeding I'm going to top up what I have and get a couple more bits done. When I spoke to him about it, he was fine. He admitted it was the shock factor to begin with but he can see now it's not big deal and is happy for me to use my judgement with it.