Should I invite Dad to birthday celebration?

[Doristhesheep]

Sorry this is a little long but it needs a bit of background- I am turning 40 this month. My parents separated (very messy divorce) when I was a teenager. For many, many years I did not have a relationship with my Dad. About ten years ago I decided I wanted to get in touch with him and get his side of the story about what went on when they separated. I told my Mum first out of respect that I was going to try and find him and reach out. She said that was fine, he's your Dad after all. But the very second I did actually find him and got in touch she absolutely blew up, said I obviously didn't love her and my siblings and didn't speak to me for weeks. For the record he was fine when they were together, it's not like he was abusive or anything like that or this might make sense.

Anyway, since then I've been on and off in touch with my Dad but recently we've actually developed a proper relationship. He's very much in my life again and honestly he's lovely. He has absolutely no bitterness or resentment towards my Mum over what happened, he's very much a 'things happen and you move on' type of person. He has a new partner which he's been with for many years. Mum also has a new long term partner. No kids in either of the new relationships I will add.

So, as mentioned, my 40th is coming up. Husband has arranged a small party for all my family and close friends. I don't know if I should invite my Dad. I want to, and I'll feel awful when inevitably all the pictures appear on social media of everyone there when he wasn't invited. Mum has actually said it's fine if you want to invite your Dad, but after she told me it was fine to contact him then only to completely blow up when I actually did, I am concerned if he does come there will be another almighty outburst and the night will be ruined. She has not seen him since they separated 27 years ago but I absolutely feel like she still to this day harbours bitterness and resentment. My siblings are in contact with him via Facebook but have also not actually seen him in person in as long. What would you do?

I wouldn't, personally, but be honest with him and tell him about it. Go out to dinner with him separately or something.

I’d separate it out. Not due to your mother but for yourself. In tricky family dynamics the best goal you can hope for is the least negative emotions possible. Organise something with your Dad. It is a big milestone have a few celebrations

If your Mum and siblings haven't seen him for 27 years then your 40th, when you want to relax and enjoy a night your DH has presumably gone to a bit of trouble to arrange, isn't the right time for that first meeting. I'd arrange a lovely dinner out with your father instead, maybe inviting some other siblings if they'd like to break the ice. Make sure your Dad knows that he is having birthday dinner with you well before the party (whether the dinner happens before or after) so he doesn't feel like you tacked it on.

I think it's creating an unnecessarily tense situation on what should be a fun, light occasion. Presumably, your dad won't know anyone there really, except you and your dh? He won't know your wider family or friends? If so, it's a bit awkward and lonely for him as he won't actually have much time to talk with you. And it may just change the atmosphere. I know I wouldn't want to see an ex for the first time in decades at a family event. Enjoy your party and then make plans to see him another day that week.

Thank you all. I did think it would create an atmosphere, I think it’s very sensible to do something separate. It’s very true that it might be awkward for him too so this definitely seems like the best solution. Thanks for confirming what I was thinking.

Why don't you organise something with him and perhaps some other members from that side (if you indeed see them or have relationships with them)?

Id invite him. Id say to your mum, you want them both there and its up to her if she cannot control herself to leave early. Its a shame they cant get on but at the end of the day, they should be able to put their differences aside for your day

Your mother has alienated your dad from his kids for what reason ? Because they separated? She sounds a very bitter vindictive person.