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Relationships

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Original poster

I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

23 replies

Mlt · 03/08/2023 10:37

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19.
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

OP posts:

Birdkin · 03/08/2023 10:57

That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Heywhatawobderfulkindofday · 03/08/2023 10:58

Hiding the kid would be a deal breaker

mindutopia · 03/08/2023 11:06

I wouldn't be too worked up about this. As an actual adult, yes, now we can look back and see that a 14 & 19 year old are probably in different places in terms of life experience and maturity, but teenagers probably don't see it like that. When I was 15, my boyfriend was 20. While he was a bit of a loser for other reasons, I personally never felt like I was being exploited or groomed or any of that. The relationship was very much my choice, and believe it or not, no nothing happened until I was 18, because that was my decision too and he respected that. Looking back now, I can see that he was more immature, but not a predator. But he definitely didn't have the maturity and life experience to be dating people his own age. Would I be happy about my own children dating a 19 year old when they were 14? No. And I would do my best to nip that in the bud because as an adult, I can see it's not a great decision. But I wouldn't, all other things being fine, think it means that the older one is some sort of child molester simply for wanting to date someone younger. They were still both quite young and immature at those ages (and probably both needed grown ups in their lives to guide them a bit more - I'd say that for his parents as much as hers).

RoseAndRose · 03/08/2023 11:08

Is it the DC that you just found out about?

Or have you always known about the DC but have only just found out about the ages?

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 11:10

Heywhatawobderfulkindofday · 03/08/2023 10:58

Hiding the kid would be a deal breaker

@Heywhatawobderfulkindofday I don't think he hid the child, just how old his Ex was when the first got together.

@Mlt it was obviously quite a shock to you, but they were together 8 years. He was possibly a bit young for his age.

When I was 15 I met a bloke through a mutual hobby, we got together, he was about to turn 20. He was the one insisting we wait until I was 16, he was sweet, caring & there was absolutely no pressure to do anything, it was me that led all of the touching etc. Even once I turned 16, he wasn't the one pushing things forward, he wanted to be sure I was ready, that I knew he cared about me & not getting his end away. He was an absolute gent, unlike boys my age who just wanted in your knickers!!

Theres no reason to think your partner was some absolute letch. Or that he didn't/couldn't wait.

ValerieDoonican · 03/08/2023 11:10

Hmm whatever the rights and wrongs of his previous relationship, he hid the fact he had a child ffs. What kind of shit father dies that make him???

Plus, I wouldn't want to stay with someone as deceitful as that. What else is he hiding? What might he hide in future?

ValerieDoonican · 03/08/2023 11:11

OK so maybe he didn't hide the child. But he lied about her age. That's very slippery.

Flashingtealights · 03/08/2023 11:13

A 19 yr old male dating a 14 yr old gives me the ick. I would really struggle to get past that. That's aside from the fact he had a DC and forgot to mention it. It's a firm No from me

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 11:14

ValerieDoonican · 03/08/2023 11:11

OK so maybe he didn't hide the child. But he lied about her age. That's very slippery.

@ValerieDoonican

no try reading it again. He lied about his age! What teenager hasn't at some point?

FOJN · 03/08/2023 11:15

How long have you been together? He has a child from a previous relationship and you've only just found out about it? That would be he deal breaker for me, you would already know about his child if he played any part in their lives.

Swoonworthy · 03/08/2023 11:16

I’d dump him.

My son is 19, there’s no way he would date a 14 year old. That’s sick.

Even if ‘they did nothing’ til she was 16, that would make him 21. Thats grim.

He’s not a ‘lovely man’. Ffs.

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 03/08/2023 11:18

Can people not read...

Foxblue · 03/08/2023 11:19

If this happened in the 80s it would be still be wrong (why would you be attracted to a child as an adult - if he waited until she was 16 thats still 16 vs 22 - why would you find a 16 year old attractive at 21??) but it was at least (wrongly) more accepted but this happened what, 10 years ago? 2013? Nope. Wrong, and he should have walked away.

Original poster

Mlt · 03/08/2023 12:13

Sorry I think I’ve confused everyone. I knew about the daughter but only just found out about their ages 14&19 x

OP posts:

watchwhich · 03/08/2023 12:22

Do you mean he lied about his age when he first met you, then told you his real age? If he lied about his age, chances are he's lying about waiting until his ex was 16.

ValerieDoonican · 03/08/2023 12:23

Apologies!

watchwhich · 03/08/2023 12:23

How did you find out about their ages when they met?

Eyeapple · 03/08/2023 12:26

Not a chance I’d go for someone with that history by any definition he was a young man with an interest in young teens, children. That is an absolute no. Absolutely no way. That is an enormous age gap at those stages of development, all wrong.

Motnight · 03/08/2023 12:40

Mlt · 03/08/2023 12:13

Sorry I think I’ve confused everyone. I knew about the daughter but only just found out about their ages 14&19 x

Same ages as his previous partner and him when they got together?

Ask him what he would think about his 14 year old DD going out with a 19 year man.

watchwhich · 03/08/2023 12:42

By 'their ages' OP means her partner's age and his ex's age when they first got together.

DatumTarum · 03/08/2023 12:43

How long have you actually been together?

I'd run a mile

Motnight · 03/08/2023 12:43

watchwhich · 03/08/2023 12:42

By 'their ages' OP means her partner's age and his ex's age when they first got together.

Ah! I am really confused with this thread!

worriedatwork123 · 03/08/2023 12:48

ewww it'd give me the massive ick even if they 'did nothing' and of course he's gonna say that

massive difference between 19 and 14 - she's in year 9 at school and he could be a student at university!

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