Feeling miserable about what I've lost

[dazedandconfused]

I know this is long and complicated but I would so appreciate some support!

My ExH and I separated 5 months ago after me having had depression, feelings for someone else (but no physical relationship) and H then having a fling with someone we both know. I was so confused and upset (and depressed!) at the time that I insisted that we separate and we've now bought separate flats. We have 2 lovely DCs, and H has gradually been having them over at his more often, which was one of the big strains in our relationship when we were together.

After we split, the man I had feelings for got in contact and told me his partner was pregnant. I was devastated as I had hoped there may be some future for us but resolved to continue with my decision to be on my own. This man then suggested some secret meetings and passed confusing messages to me through his friend who was my tutor (sounds crazy, I know).

He made out that his girlfiend had got pregnant to trap him, and that he was unable to leave having been in an abusive relationship as a child. I felt as though I wanted to help him, and I also had really strong feelings for him, despite knowing that it was wrong.

In the end we never met but last night I saw him (with girlfriend who has had a misscarriage) in the pub. I was horrified when I heard about the miscarriage and felt sick at myself for ever contemplating an affair. But last night I just said hello because I'd hoped we could be friends. However, he practically ignored me (compared with gushing over me before) and I just feel so horrible and cheap about it.

Although I've been stupid, I always tried to treat him with respect, and tried to get him to sit down and talk to me instead of sending me erotic poems etc which is what he kept doing.

I just feel miserable about the whole unhappy thing. Plus I feel that my exH has suffered whilst I've been on another planet and I'm worried that what we might've been able to save is slipping away. He has not seen the fling woman since we've been apart and has just been really really sad.

I just need some support, if anyone can help!

Do you want to get back to gether with exH? Are you prepared to wrok at it?

It might be worth going to Relate , alone or together, to work through your emotions and wrok what you (both) want from the future.

echo pretty, do you want to get back with exh or is it just easier than facing things alone? Not meaning to sound harsh here

Prettybird's suggestions sound perfect.

How do you actually feel about H? Do you still love him (not just care about him)?

You had feelings for another man, and he had a fling, because your relationship was lacking something for both of you. They were symptoms of the problem, not the cause of it, but you're right to say that they will have got in the way of any possible reconciliation.

Be honest with yourself about your relationship, don't look at it through rose tinted glass.

Something very similar happened with me and DH a few years ago, and we are still together but it took a lot of work.

Yes I do love H deeply and we were together for 16 years, so there is a strong bond there. There were problems though YKNOTC, in two areas: sex and kids. I always felt I had a higher sex drive than ExH, and in recent years when we had sex I rarely an orgasm (he thought I had a problem but I have no trouble with this on my own!). So I was feeling pretty crap about that.

With the kids I felt he just sat back and let me do an awful lot of the caring and I really struggled with that.

I'd like us to work it out but I'm worried that it might just go back to how it was before - and maybe the sex will never be what I'd hoped for in a long-term relationship. Has anyone got experience of this kind of issue?

I have a counselling appointment on Monday so hopeing that i can start to work this out and then maybe suggest counselling together ...

YOu would benefit from some counselling yourself, in part to enable you to detect, and see off with happy mockery, a predatory arsehole like the man you had the almost-fling with. Men like this are toxic predators who detect vulnerability and unhappiness in women and proceed to fuck them up severely. If your X wil come to counselling with you, then that might help you both maintain an amicable co-parent relationship whether or not you get back together. Good luck,

Thanks madamez, that's good advice.

I think that's part of it is feeling ashamed at having been taken in by the bullshit. I'm an intelligent woman but was going through a vulnerable lonely time and I suppose I was flattered by all the attention. How can I have been such an idiot? He's a master, though, this guy. I'm sure he does this regularly with women, abusing his power as a tutor. His poor girlfriend, who wants to marry him. I guess she has no idea of what he's really like.

Counselling with ExH for good relations is a great idea also. I'm going to try and arrange that asap.

Thanks for the support - I haven't felt about to speak about this with friends because I feel so stupid.

Dazed - I can see some of my own story in yours. I have now been divorced a year, after being apart for 5. We quickly reached the stage that madamez describes as amicable co-parenting. But in lonely times I wonder if we gave up too soon. I'm OK on my own, but can't help but wonder, and I think unless you try everything, you will wonder too.
Mademez, I always end up shouting "Yes!" when I read your posts! I have had an encounter with the toxic predator type too. Happy mockery is a fantastic phrase, and something I will aim for with this individual!

toxic predator, that's the near-fling's type in a nutshell. Well phrased, madamez.

Those problems are surmountable if you both try. Relate will help you in every area. Particularly just being able to tell him exactly what you've said here, but with a third party to explain and support and help you communicate.

Relate can advise on your sex life too. They really are very good. It sounds like he was scared to admit the problem might be with him - much easier if the reason you're not orgasming is a "women's thing" than a lack of effort on his part. Men are such idiots in that area.

I wish you all the luck in the world