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Original poster

Money & relationship question...

9 replies

PacManMom · 03/08/2023 10:05

Need some advice regarding my rather immature & narc mother in law.

For the past six years she's been on my car insurance, this is my own personal car that I solely pay for out of my own money DH has nothing to do with it. It was never meant to be a forever thing.
However over time she came to think the car was hers and would inconvenience me by taking said car all the time. She put cigarette burns into the car seats, and did thousands of pounds worth of damage that she never offered to pay for. She'd kick off and scream/shout, slam doors & storm out if I said I was using my car when she'd want it. All very embarrassing behaviour.

Anyway time has come and I've got a new car, I traded in the old one at a huge lost thanks to her damages. I've decided this time I'm not putting her on the insurance due to this and also her behaviour.
As expected I've been dealing with her screaming, shouting, slamming doors etc in front of my kids too!
She's now giving us the silent treatment I guess as a way to guilt trip me to get me to change my mind? Which isn't going to happen.

While I'm actually enjoying the peace & quiet and don't see it as an punishment Grin she owes me some money she borrowed off me when she was talking to me.
I don't want to be the one to text her, go round etc first as I don't see why I should but my question is should I let the money go and just see this as a lesson learnt? Or should I ask for the money back considering she's already cost me thousands of pounds.

OP posts:
TinyRebel · 03/08/2023 10:08

Consider it lesson learnt and never lend money to anyone again. This is your MIL? She sounds like an utter nightmare. Let your DH deal with her!

mummymeister · 03/08/2023 10:12

How much money did you lend her? what was it for and could there have been an expectation from her that it was in some way a gift? Stick to your guns about the car for sure and tell her this every time you see her especially if she is giving you the guilt tripping silent treatment so that she is really clear that there is no going back on this. as for the money what you do depends on how much. less than £1,000 I would let it go but let her know that was the case. more and I would be asking her and DH how this was going to be paid back. why are you still in contact with someone who is such a nightmare?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2023 10:13

What does your h think of his mother?. What roles did/does he play here re her?

You would likely never see any money from her anyway so let that go. She would only use money to further control you anyway. Enjoy the peace her self imposed silence brings you all. Do not fall for any hoovering attempts she or her flying monkeys make to bring you back into the dysfunctional fold.

And FGS do not ever name her on your car insurance ever again!. I presume you only did that out of feeling obligated but that feeling in itself was no basis to add her at all. Women like your mother in law cannot do relationships with anyone, it is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2023 10:15

Do not keep on subjecting your kids to her either. This is because she will harm them in front of your very eyes in not too dissimilar ways as to how your husband has been harmed by her.

Original poster
PacManMom · 03/08/2023 10:16

mummymeister · 03/08/2023 10:12

How much money did you lend her? what was it for and could there have been an expectation from her that it was in some way a gift? Stick to your guns about the car for sure and tell her this every time you see her especially if she is giving you the guilt tripping silent treatment so that she is really clear that there is no going back on this. as for the money what you do depends on how much. less than £1,000 I would let it go but let her know that was the case. more and I would be asking her and DH how this was going to be paid back. why are you still in contact with someone who is such a nightmare?

In contact as DH feels bad, she literally has no friends or other family left from her behaviour over the years. She blames everyone else and has never looked at her own behaviour. I tried to have a relationship with her for DHs sake more than anything.

I've decided I would be a lot happier without her in my life, I already feel no more stress and it's only been two weeks whereas before I was a nervous wreck around her. She never bothered with dc to take them out etc so it's no lost to them either.

I'll let the money go as it's under a thousand pound, she knew it wasn't a gift as I have a text telling me she will repay me on X date but I will tell DH no more lending/giving her money.

OP posts:
blessingsss · 03/08/2023 10:17

how much money?

mummymeister · 03/08/2023 10:25

Will your DH stick to the no more money rule though? ultimately you and everyone else on MN knows that unless your dh supports you this has the potential to split the two of you down the middle. You and your dh need to put some ground rules in place about how he deals with his M in the future so no money to be lent, how often he sees her and what the expectation is re your children seeing her how and when. you are quite right to cut off all contact with her and he needs to respect and support this decision but also he needs to make sure any contact with her doesnt conflict with what the two of you have agreed. Horrible situation to be in and its going to be like this I am afraid until either he also cuts off his ties or she is no longer with you.

Original poster
PacManMom · 03/08/2023 10:47

blessingsss · 03/08/2023 10:17

how much money?

£300.

OP posts:
blessingsss · 03/08/2023 11:12

I think I would leave it. You can always take her to small claims if you wanted

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