I've day dreamed of leaving so many times over the years. Worked tirelessly to make everyone happy. Exhausting myself making sure the kids are happy, healthy and grow into decent humans (hopefully, time will tell on that one) but it feels like I'm doing it against the world.
My partner is a stressy alcoholic, his moods upset the kids, I'm the buffer trying to make it alright. While he's drinking he's calm and let's the kids get away with things, but all other times he's short tempered, quick to shout and swear at them, calls them names (dickhead, idiot ect)
I've tried to leave him but he is quite dominant and I worry about the contact my kids would have with him. He has a dd from a previous relationship who he has little bond with, he's short tempered with her, regularly upsets her and doesn't listen to a thing her mum says.
I'm aware I shouldn't have had kids with this man but I was young and have my own trauma that I've been processing that has lead to me trying to "fix" a wounded man with love.
I feel me n my kids would be happier without him around. But he would cause us so much grief if I left him, last time I told him to go he just refused to leave the home which was awful for all of us, when he did go he sobered up and showed positive change for months so we decided to try make it work (which it did for about 6 months until he started drinking again)
He says every day that he's going to stop drinking, there's always some excuse, life too stressful or works too stressful or that he simply fancies a drink.
I feel I could be providing a much better home life for my kids. I do love him, though I feel its some sort of trauma bond more than actual love.
It makes me sad.