I love my husband but I don't think I can live with him anymore

[Bigburger]

My husband causes me a lot of stress.
Although he wants to be helpful, he can not prioritise, plan or follow through with anything.

Examples:
-He asked me if I needed help with anything yesterday as I was stressed, looking for my car keys and couldn't locate them. The dog was crying to be let out, clawing at the door for the toilet, so I asked him to let her out, but instead, he began unloading the dishwasher. The dog got louder and he just contined as if he couldn't hear her. I then asked what he was doing and he said "I just thought I'd empty this first and let her out afterwards." 🥴 I then let the dog out.

-He is infatuated with our washing machine and will pile load after load of washing in it even when we're going out and have no time to dry it or put it away. He will get up extremely early specifically to load it and then wash load after load after load until he can see the bottom of the basket. It's me who's left putting away piles of creased clothes later in the week.

-He left a dog poo covered trainer in the sink over night and then I found him sweeping leaves the following morning in the garden whilst I wondered what the stench was in the kitchen. He couldn't explain to me why he had put it in the sink.

• He will use the same wash cloth for weeks if he can, covered in food used over and over again. He leaves the cloths hanging from the tap covered in dried up food- curry, porridge, spaghetti, ready for the next use! I have to throw them away or wash them but left to him, they'd just get used again!

• He will do things in an odd order like wash up before he's cleared the table or even plate up meals at tea time and then leave them going cold on the side whilst he scrubs the cooker or wanders off to fix something. It's totally random.

• He'll trim the hedges half way up and leave the rest or suddenly decide to mow the lawn when it's the kids bedtimes when I'm not home. He'll make a cup of tea just as we're leaving the house. He will put suitcases in the car before they're even fully packed.

I feel exasperated a lot of the time. It's like he's domestically dysfunctional. He however is highly regarded at work and holds down a decent job with several promotions over recent years. I doubt his colleagues would believe me if I were to tell them what he's like at home.

He wants and tries to be helpful but I can't keep feeling like this. I am starting to just feel ragey when he's in the house. I know he likely has ADHD or something similar but he won't acknowledge that he is struggling to prioritise or think clearly from a domestic viewpoint so I'm just stuck.

What do I do?
I'm getting angrier with it all.
I'm sure he's worsening with age.

You need a husband annexe. Similar to a granny annexe but dH goes in there.

has he always been this bad?

I think he has been pretty bad @LadyGardenersQuestionTime but because he's always been so "willing" I often overlooked it.

But just lately, he's been away with the fairies more so than usual. He has a lot more responsibility at work these days and admits that he struggles to switch off.

I've had to suggest that he goes to stay with his brother for a week or so (he moved away) because I just need to be at home without him here. It's odd because he absolutely does his share but he's all over the place.

My husband is very similar. It has caused many many arguments. I have stopped him from doing anything in the kitchen when I am at home. It's a boundary I have put in place to preserve our marriage and my mental health. He is a good person, also performs very well at work and makes a lot of money but drives me insane!

ADHD.

Get him referred to Psychiatry UK for a diagnosis and meds.

This resonates, op. An Example: My DP once started a fire in the kitchen by leaving a tea towel on the hob. He left this fire burning while he went upstairs, found a chair and stopped the fire alarm.

Luckily I was there to extinguish the actual fire in the meanwhile. Give me strength.

Can you set up a household tasks app? Something like the TeamTomm app and really make it detailed with each step so he can literally follow it and tick it off as he's done it?

That sounds awful to live with. You will get lots of posters insisting that he has ADHD or autism or something. Frankly that’s insulting as I have severe ADHD and it doesn’t cause me to be a useless idiot. Remove sheets from the dryer and take them to the bedroom, only to forget that I also needed to swap towels into the dryer and come back 20 minutes later confused that the dryer is wide open and no towels in there? Yep, absolutely. Did it earlier today. This is something different.

Frankly he just sounds rather stupid. Is he one of those types that is generally lacking in common sense even though he is good in other areas? The issue with ignoring the increasingly loud dog is just nuts.

I agree it sounds like severe ADHD. I have ADHD myself btw, and while I'm great at some things but useless at others.

How are other aspects of his life / personality. Does he hyper focus on certain things? Does he have lots of different hobbies / h finished projects? When he talks does he struggle to actually tell the story and instead get lost in the details rather than just get straight to the point? Is he often late? I would encourage him to seek out help from a specialist.

ADHD effects everyone a bit differently. Just like autism does. Some people with autism can't talk / make eye contact, while others (Elon Musk for example) are geniuses but a little 'strange' too.

I thought ADHD too.
I get not all people with ADHD behave this way, as per PP, but i do random stuff in a random order and sense people get frustrated with what must seem like inflexibility.

If he had a diagnosis he could try meds, if willing, which can make a huge difference?

What does he say if you raise it with him?

@WhichEllie

It does sound very much like ADHD.

Willing and trying, but failing because:
Can't prioritise tasks
Half completed tasks
Things left and forgotten as he gets distracted by something else
Time blindness

The sense that it is worsening with age is very common too. As is the feeling that as his executive function capacity is taken up with other demands, his ability to function elsewhere deteriorates.

Functioning well within the structure of work, so not just rather stupid.

He may not present like you, but it does sound like a fairly classic predominantly inattentive presentation.

@Bigburger It all sounds really frustrating. If this is indeed ADHD, it can be really hard on a relationship, particularly if it isn't being talked about. Are there any of his foibles he does discuss openly, that might lead to a more serious, wider, discussion?

Thanks all. I also agree with ADHD. His mother is exactly the same. My children went to visit her last week, knocked on the window of the sitting room as she couldn't hear them at the door. They watched her go to the kitchen and start washing up instead of letting them in. I believe he's inherited this from his mum

The trouble with getting any help is his ego. He believes he's wonderful and that I am flawed for finding him frustrating. He's told me that I need anger management for my "intolerances." He laughs mockingly when I suggest ADHD.

He's also demand avoidant so if I erect boundaries, he scoffs at them and continues anyway. He refuses to use a calender. Also if I limit him by putting a lock on the washing machine he will stop speaking to me and sulk and resent me and life is miserable.

That's shocking @Clingymcclang . How upsetting for you. Mine once took the batteries out of the fire alarms and didn't replace them "they kept beeping." I asked him to check them after we brought our first baby home and he admitted to me he'd taken all the batteries out of them.

@Bigburger I feel your pain. My DH, his mother and 2 of our children...

The ego stuff and blaming you, suggesting you need "anger management" is a really common way of deflecting.

Some adults with lifelong untreated/undiagnosed ADHD get into a bit of a cycle, throwing up a narcissistic defence against any perceived criticism.

Criticism (or perceived criticism) > ignites sense of failure/incompetency > lashes out defensively to deflect and preserve own ego/sense of self from failure (it's your fault, why are you so angry, why are you making such a big deal, this is your problem, it's because you are a perfectionist/obsessive, your expectations are unreasonable). Minimisation and blame.

A big issue with this can be that almost anything can be perceived as criticism. Normal discussion in day to day family life like reminding someone -could you remember to do X, did you do Y, etc, can all be perceived as an attack. Households up and down the country have these conversations about day to day life every day...but in a house with someone who perceives they are being criticised with every normal transactional conversation, every query leads to an attack.

So even if you recognise that your partner has ADHD and start working with them to get organised and manage stuff, well...not only do you get this extra emotional load, but you have to deal with the defensive way in which they handle it.

This is really hard to live with if he is unwilling to talk about it and intent on minimising the issues and deflecting all the blame on to you.

Standard marriage counselling might be a good start. Throw up a mirror to the behaviour. It will be hard for him to minimise and demonise you with a neutral party present (hopefully) and maybe he'll start to acknowledge how he is contributing to the problems, once they are spoken out loud in someone else's presence.

There are quite a few articles around about the effect of ADHD on relationships...will see if I can find anything for you...

Your husband has ADHD.

Myself & DH both have it;although I wouldn't leave a poo covered trainer in the sink my DH would.

I'm on the go constantly all day but it doesn't actually look like I've got anything done because I'm awful for flitting from task to task;I Day dream and get easily distracted,I also forget things and lose stuff.

Lists are my friend as is the notes feature on my phone.

Inattentive adhd. Oh my days op.. I absolutely feel your pain. All this talk of a dh annexe when a patio would be so much cheaper... Alibi available here..

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitivity-adhd-marriage/

https://www.additudemag.com/?s=relationships

Also you have my sympathy for the washing machine thing;my DH only washes his own clothes but will just leave baskets of wet washing on the kitchen floor like they'd magically dry themselves.

I wish I knew the answer to this!

your DH is my DH too, but less and less D as he drives me madder.

mine DOES now take meds, and they do
make a bit of a difference. But nowhere near as much as is needed.

life is better when our kids aren’t around, sadly… he really does do so much better when there are fewer demands.

i hate hate hate the way in which things he doesn’t want to do (not my fave tasks either) just become my duty…

Doesn't really matter if he has ADHD, if he's not willing to deal with it, does OP have to put up with it indefinitely?

@NotMyDayJob well, anyone can leave any relationship at any time they choose, of course. But it might be helpful to the OP to understand what's going on and why. Even if only to avoid self-reproach, self doubt, second guessing etc later.

I wouldn't mind so much if he acknowledged his struggles but he is in total denial and deflects on to me. And it absolutely does represent as narcissistic at times as he gaslights me without the intent of making me feel insane but to banish any doubts he has about himself. It's like its all induced by self-preservation and self denial. @Psychonabike .

I believe the seflishness and unwillingness to reflect on himself is totally separate to the ADHD and is actually the main issue overall. He's a stubborn arsehole which is not at all related to his ADHD.

I was gonna say ADHD - since DS was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD it's become pretty clear DH has it as well. Not quite as 'bad' as OP's DH but he does often choose the most inopportune moments to do things, when he does the laundry he has no awareness of whether we have capacity to dry everything he's putting on, or when he's set to do a big task, like cleaning the kitchen before visitors come, he will sometimes spend the whole time doing something random like tidying the interior of a cupboard no one's even going to open!

But yes, he does recognise that he does this and apologise, so it does sound like there's something else going on here with OP's DH.

@Bigburger

I agree. Whatever the intent, whatever psychological mechanisms drive it, it is gaslighting. Makes it seem as if you are crazy to preserve his own ego. This is death to a relationship if he will never acknowledge what's going on.

How infuriating. I know some may say that these are small issues, but they add up emotionally and also to happen daily is just too much. I'm not sure what you should do, but if he's been successful at work, it's because he doesn't pull the same weight at home. Perhaps this needs to change. There's a reason why men do well at work, while women become domestic goddesses and just know how to do everything around the home.. like yourself. Home skills are essential and undermined by society, but the fact that he does try to do some things (even though not the way you like them), means that there is hope. I can't tell you what to do about this, but I think you should give him at least a month or two to do majority of housework. I think after that time, he'll start seeing where and what needs doing. Some of it might be because he just doesn't have those skills down like at work, but he needs to develop them, like he has done for work. Good luck! x