Anybody recognise this type of behaviour?

[DivorcingEU]

I am wondering if there's a name purely so I don't have to explain what happened in order to tell people. For example, it's much able to say "I was gaslit" than explain incidents of gaslighting and hope the person gets what you mean.

So STBX was a major gaslighter. He also treated me like I didn't exist. Not ignoring, because you have to recognise something exists in order to ignore it. This was more like I was a shell, attached to him and unless what I wanted or thought was in agreement with what he wanted or thought, it was wrong or simply didn't count. It started in full force a few days after we were married (but due to gaslighting I thought it was my fault). This was for 11+ years. There were maybe about three weeks where it was different, but not consecutively. He was also massively controlling and manipulative in some aspects of life (ones that would make his more comfortable)

As of a few weeks ago, he's switched and I suddenly exist. I've found myself looking over my shoulder when he talks to me because I assume someone else must be there - his tone of voice is the one he uses with close friends. The controlling has ramped down massively.

The change happened because he's been treating me very badly in the divorce negotiations and I asked him what his good friend would think if she knew what he'd been doing to me. He literally hung his head in shame. And then radically changed his behaviour towards me.

I am completely at a loss of how to explain this. The way he behaved before fitted snugly into most of the traits of a covert narcissist. But now I've no idea what's going on. I'm not trying to diagnose, but I am looking for an accurate label if there is one. The whole situation is extremely upsetting and it would help me if there's a term that people could understand (or look up) rather than me explaining what I've explained above - and above is the VERY short version!

Any ideas?

It’s like he’s losing you and all he knows and is now in a dangerous phase of trying to win you back for the sake of it - he doesn’t want you - he just doesn’t like losing.

Arsehole is the only word for it really.

”Hoovering”

He took your " What would your friend think of you treating me like this?" as a threat to expose him. For a narc, his public persona is EVERYTHING. He is now terrified that the people closest to him will find out what hes really like. Do not for 1 second think this is him realising he is sorry for how he has treated you.This isnt remorse, its damage control. I would keep up the pretense of exposing him until your divorce is finalised if it makes him treat you better. After that, who you choose to tell is your business.

He is at the stage where he will do whatever it takes to keep you caught in his web. Men like him don't let go of possessions easily.

Stop giving a fuck about why he's doing anything. He's an abuser who does abusive things to serve his own purpose. That's all the explanation you need.
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If I were you, I wouldn't go into detail with other people about what he was really like because there is nothing worse than trying to explain it to someone who thinks you are actually the one who is at fault. If what you are saying about him doesn't tie in with their perception of him, then they are quite likely to say that you are in the wrong.

This is a classic - you found your feet and backbone, he realised it , and now he’s trying to put on the face you so desperately wanted for years and years. It’s a trap.

As a PP said, the name for this behaviour is “a trap”. Don’t fall in.
Good luck with moving on. Seek help when you need it. Be honest with those who ask. Keep your cards close to your chest until the divorce is final.

Yeah, he’s afraid of being exposed. He has portrayed himself as a victim to his friends and you have solid evidence or examples to blow the lid on it. He’d be shown to be lying and that’s panic he’s showing, not shame.

Now to reel you back in just enough to stop you telling anyone. Needs must.

Be cautious OP - if anything, raise your guard because, with your increased awareness of what he is and your ability to sully his carefully built facade with other people he may become more dangerous to you. Raise your guard and continue to ease your way out of this situation safely and permanently. 🌹

Thanks! There's NO chance I'm falling for it. I'm going along with it until I'm free of him, to the extent I ever will be.

I'm not telling everybody, it's just with the people I've told a bit about and who ask how things are. These are people who believe me and care. Going into detail is almost retraumatising, but I've not know how to give info I want to without the details.