Would you forgive past abuse

[Forgiveandforgetting]

My husband was verbally abusive for a couple of years. Started a month or so after my DC was born. He’d call me a bitch and tell me to F off during arguments. I always told him how upset it made me. We’re a few years on from this and he hasn’t done it since but I still can’t forget. We’ve done counseling.
Would you keep trying to move past it? I think it’s because I was at my most vulnerable (took a while to recover from birth which wasn’t straight forward) that I find it so hard to move past it.

Hmm

I would try to but in reality,no. The resentment would just fester

We had a patch like this after DC1 died in 2016.
It was a really bad time and I didn't cover myself in glory either.
We are doing better now but there is still something missing from the relationship.
We stay together for the kids/finances (neither of us could afford to go it alone) but it's mostly a friendship these days and we both know it.

Well that all depends on whether they can actually see their wrongdoings and are willing to change. I mean, I forgave and excused mine for years and had shallow apologies but it didn't change and just got worse over the years.

Could I forgive them now, I'm not sure. Even after everything that has happened and is happening now after separation a part of me still cares and loves them...but that's the trap isn't it. I don't know if I could trust them again and that may eat at me...it would take acknowledgement, massive changes and therapy for me to even consider it.

So, you got to ask yourself can that leopard change it's spots and can you move on without resenting what happened or worrying that it may happen again.

Thank you all so much for replying.

@JibbaJab I think deep down the issue is probably that I can’t let myself trust him now. I did trust him before this happened. But he did acknowledge it and went to therapy, though it took a while for that to happen.

@pinguins I’m so sorry about your DC1.

@Forgiveandforgetting Yeah I can understand that. I mean you're further ahead than I ever got my wife never got help or therapy, it was just always brushed aside until next time.

I mean it's hard to say whether it was a bad patch but I know myself I wouldn't talk to my partner in that way, although I'm not quick to anger and more quiet and probably why I ended up in that situation.

Obviously I don't know the full story or what he's like but I know in my case we got on very well it seemed perfect and it wasn't like every day we had good times but few and far between. It started with verbal and in the end I had emotional, phycological, and physical thrown on top. It's still going on now in a way but through the children who are being withheld.

However, bear in mind mine had issues that refused to accept or try get help with and may very well be some form of psychopath that's lied to me the entire time rather than someone who gets angry here and there.

So yeah I'm quite easy going and understanding and I forgave far too much but this has changed me now I see it so I can relate.

All I will say is if you find yourself in that situation again and you feel in your gut something is off or you feel anxious, listen because it's telling you something. I didn't and now look where I am.

@JibbaJab that sounds extremely difficult, I hope your situation will improve

Yeah, got a long road ahead but hopefully get sorted eventually.

How you feeling now, you still feel the same way?

Could you discuss the period of time with a relationship counsellor? I've been watching Couples Therapy on the beeb and it's so good - check it out. My partner and I had a course of counselling together a few years back when our arguments had become catastrophic, and it set us back on track.

Don't just put up with feeling like this and trying to just minimise it or ignore it, it's not fair on that part of you that's (understandably) bothered by it.

Yes, sorry, when I said we’ve done counseling, I meant both individual and couples. He has acknowledged it and apologised for his behavior, but for some reason I don’t feel I’ve been able to move past it. I think it’s the trust issue

Oh sorry, I missed that part. Yeah, that’s tough 😔