Relationship issues… sex related

[Mydogisamentalist]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and I’m at my wits end. I could really use some advice. I can’t seem to process anything at all.

Not long into our relationship he developed a pretty scary medical issue. He had surgery but from what I can gather it wasn’t a cure, more a plaster to cover up the worst symptoms. He’s been left a very different person to the one I met. I love him and I can be there for him with the personality and lifestyle changes. He used to be carefree and spontaneous. Now he struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. Just being in a crowded room can set one off. We’ve had to adjust date nights to accommodate this and for the most part I really don’t mind and if it does slightly bother me I never let on.

What I’m really struggling with is sex. His health problems have left him with erectile dysfunction. It seems to be severe, he cannot get an erection at all. Due to his health problems his doctor isn’t keen on prescribing viagra. He has had it prescribed twice (as in he was given two pills) and the first time it was promising. The second time it didn’t work at all. The doctor will not prescribe anymore until he’s had a scan.

I know it sounds incredibly selfish but I’m really struggling with this. It’s having such a massive affect on me and my self confidence. When the viagra didn’t work the second time I felt devastated. Everything I’ve read online says that for it to work the person has to find you attractive and want to have sex… if it didn’t work does that mean he didn’t want it with me? Does he not actually find me attractive and that’s part of the issue? I’ve asked him and he denies it but he would wouldn’t he.

It’s now been a year since we last had sex. Well ‘real’ sex anyway… the first time he took viagra he got an erection but came within seconds so it didn’t really feel like sex. I’m starting to lose hope this will ever change. He believes it’s not actually his heath conditions causing it but the stress his health problems are putting him under. I’m not entirely convinced of this.

I really want to make it work and I know he feels the same but that also feels like condemning myself to a sexless relationship.

It doesn’t help that he can’t really cope with doing anything sexual because he gets upset and start to feel ‘embarrassed and ashamed’ (his words not mine). We tried with viagra really recently and when nothing happened within ten minutes he got so worked up that he couldn’t bring himself to try anymore. To me that’s not really trying. To me Sex is about kissing and touching and being close to each other but none of that seems to matter to him if he can’t get the penetration side to work.

I just don’t know what to do. We’ve talked about this so much but I can’t find a way to accurately explain how I feel. It all seems so bleak.

A year or a bit less really isn't a long time in terms of post-surgical physical or mental recovery. But I get it is a long time if you're going without something you want and need like that. Don't know the answer to your problem but it sounds like your bf could do with some counselling following what sounds like a medical (and psychological and emotional trauma)

This sounds very difficult for both of you. Has your boyfriend had any therapy to help him come to terms with his medical condition, surgery and the anxiety and panic attacks that have followed?
It sounds like he has been very traumatised by the experience and this can all take its toll on his confidence where sex is concerned.
You don't mention his age or what the medical prognosis was re him being affected with ED. so it's difficult to say if it's physical or due to his feelings of panic and anxiety.

I know he was/maybe still is doing some form of telephone counselling. Sex was a topic he was talking about but I didn’t want to push and ask too much about it.

He is 32 and his health problems are heart related. Up until very recently he has said that he thinks the erectile dysfunction is confidence and stress related but he has now started to show concern that maybe they are due to his heart problems instead. I think he’s frightened that if it’s medical it’s going to be harder to overcome than if it was mental.

I just feel like there’s more and more distance between us the longer this goes on.

It's very hard for you both. But I really feel for your partner. It's a lot of worry about his general health and this ED on top. And it's not like he's ignoring it or buying his head in the sand, he has sought help and now that isn't safe/working either. It must be very emasculating for him.

Also feel for you because my dh has similar issues, although not to this extent, and it really does make sex feel more like a chore and a worry rather than something natural to be enjoyed.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers but I would say try to be patient with him. He has gone through a lot. Can you find other ways to be intimate?

Yeah, heart and Viagra don't go together sadly. I agree that the majority of this is anxiety.

Guys can really get in their head about these things... if it doesn't work once, you then stress that it won't work the next time and so your mind is more focused on performing than actually enjoying it. As a result, you're not turned on, you're stressing, so it doesn't work. Then you stress even more, and the cycle continues!

Sex can be quite spontaneous and comes with a lot of pressure to perform... have you tried building up to it with say oral?.. that way he's eased into it gradually, there's no immediate need, and pressure to perform.

The other thing (from experience) is that men get erections randomly. Rather than a set time, say at night when you're hoping for it, and he's anxious that it won't work... that you tell him you're always ready to go. Use those random shower moments, or the you flicked your hair in just the right way moments. Once he gets the confidence and out of that anxiety situation he's in, they'll come more regularly.

We don’t live together so sadly attempting sex does need to be a bit more planned than either of us would like.

He hasn’t had a natural erection since before Christmas. When we have tried I always give him oral but at best it’s a little less soft than before. He doesn’t get remotely near hard. Sometimes he says he feels like he gets there while soft and then he can’t tolerate being touched anymore.

I would be really happy just to be intimate with him in other ways without sex and see if that helps. He can’t cope with it though. He can’t seem to enjoy the process because the only thing he’s concentrating on is that he can’t get an erection. I think that’s what’s hurting me in a way… I could cope with the lack of sex if I still felt like he wanted me in other ways. It’s the seemingly lack of desire for anything that really hurts.

This is a tough situation. He's had a traumatic health event, the aftermath of which affects you both.

Ultimately, you need to look after yourself as much as you want to be loyal to your relationship.

You have only been together one year and he's had these problems almost the whole time? Just trying to clarify

OP, you need to leave. He can't risk going all out for a healthy sex life (or any sex life). You need a lover. It's difficult and will hurt you both but you probably do need to move on.

If you’ve only been together a year I think life is too short maybe just gently end things. He’s obviously not in a good place and it’s a bit unfair for you to end up his career and get nothing after such a short space in time. It might be beneficial for him to be on his own and sort himself out, you can’t be his crutch. Harsh but give yourself permission to put yourself first and seek happiness elsewhere

It really isn't "incredibly selfish" to want a normal relationship; it's sensible and natural and what your instincts are crying out for. You've only been together a year - it's very different from if he'd become ill during a long-term relationship where you already had made a commitment to each other. This should be the honeymoon stage where you can't keep your hands off each other. This would be the time when you are bonding and enjoying a full physical relationship. Libido naturally declines in a monogamous relationship but the foundation of these early times can carry you a long way. If the spark isn't there at this stage, for whatever reason, personally I would call and end to this and let you both have a fresh start with new people. Only he can decide how much effort he wants to put into trying to fix his sex life, but putting effort in would look maybe seeing a sex therapist or reading up online. Trying the same thing again and again isn't likely to help and frankly it's not good for either of you, and not fair on you.