Staying in a failing relationship for kids?

[WhiteBow2223]

Hi everyone, this will be a long one but I will try to keep it as clear as possible. we are together three years. we have an 18 month old and a five-month-old. I have been unsure of our relationship since I was pregnant with baby number two. I didn't have a lot of time to get to know him deeply before coming pregnant which is stupid in one way I know.. He is Polish. I am Irish. one of our problems is communication. his listening isn't great and his English isn't the best when we try to talk about things in a more complex/deeper way, our chats are very surface level/repetitive.. He doesn't get humour either.. and over time this has really not helped with trying to be content in the relationship, or to be parents together. as well as this he is always tired, wants the easy way out of everything. and fails to adequately help me with the babies most days. I haven't had a break since the first was born, becuase even when I've tried to leave for a few hours he is in a mood becuase he is left alone with them. and I have to everything to him step by step how to mind them, then something always goes wrong, ie: he forgets to feed one, skips a nap etc.. I then have to manage and fix the problems myself, so it's not worth leaving to have me time etc. His attention span is crap, He listens for a short amount of time and whips his phone out mid conversation and will ask me to repeat myself. So rude. All of this it's really making my life harder than this should be. Also he has quite traditional views of men and women. which I do agree with in some forms in my own life. But he admires (polish) women in his own life who have their shit together, house spotless, kids breastfed and everything paid for. I only say those certain things as in the past I had not had the bathroom cleaned 100 percent and he asked me why, I said I wasn't feeling 100 percent (pregnant) and he seriously told me that 'well XYZ has her house spotless, she can do it and she's pregnant too'!!! Second baby, he expected me to carry a heavy bag out of the maternity ward going home to save him doing 2 trips to the car and got in a mood for me becuase I didn't want to carry it. In his eyes, to want a break is a sign of weakness. Or worse its always tor for tat, if I say I'm tired he just says he's tired too. He doesn't try to give me a chance to rest or offer to help. I have to ask for everything and even then I owe him if I do.. that is only some examples of his general view. it's too long to try and divulge this mindset here but I think you get the idea. We do go along to get along in the day to day. and we are kind to each other. but overall we don't have a laugh together there's no spark. I feel like we are just parents to our children and don't have any glue that holds me and him together as a couple. I don't see me and him staying in a relationship when our children are older. It makes me so sad to think about all of this, as had I found out I was pregnant quite early into our relationship had I had known we would have such a clash of personalities I wouldn't have decided to have children with this person. My problem is that I'm so torn inside. On one hand he's an amazing Dad. He loves his babies so much and does a lot for them that I didn't have as a kid. Plays with them great, builds them sandpits and play things outside, has a great laugh with them. but on the other hand he doesn't put any effort into our relationship I don't feel like he is in love with me. He tells me he is but I don't feel it. I know what love can be I've had amazing partners in the past who suited me. and I think I could have just been any girl for him to have children, cook clean if you understand. I don't mind cooking cleaning etc I love being a homemaker. A in I could have been any girl that would have said yes to be in a relationship with him. I'm so sad because for the last year I have had conversations with him about our relationship to try and be active about spending time together and being more romantic, more sex, more snuggles, having date nights etc but neither of us have been able to come together and make it happen for real. I feel like there is a coldness between us now and I don't think there is a big chance for us to have a meaningful relationship with each other. As it is right now, we wake up day to day, we mind the kids and they see the best sides of us. but a lot of times I'm very stressed and angry about our relationship and I'm worried that this is starting to affect how I am as a mother. I'm writing here becuase My biggest fear about leaving is that I would take their father away from them. Of course he has the choice of spending time with them I would never restrict access, and he would always be free to see them whenever he wants. But I had the vision in my head of them having a mother and father in the same household, sharing all that time memories, having us bith there when they need us at anytime.. Etc.. As time Goes On I see a huge weaknesses in our relationship which I don't think we can force.. and I don't think we are really meant for each other. I tried to talk to my grandmother about this but she said I should just get on with it and try to be nice for each other and be a good parents for the kids. I'm only posting here to find maybe other people's experiences of being in a relationship and having children, especially small children. did you continue that relationship in hopes of maybe becoming stronger in the future? or did you decide to just part ways with such uncertainties. Also I'm scared shirtless of basically raising raising 2 children alone when I have basically zero support system from family and friends as my mother and I do not talk to each other. My sister lives nearby. We are currently living in a mobile in my grannies garden till we can find somewhere to rent/council housing. Thank you for reading. X

Doesn't sound ideal from what you've said. I mean I knew absolutely nothing about raising children but I learned how and I did it all and I certainly never forgot a feed or nap. Nor would I expect the mother to do everything or not help carry things.

Comments like that I find off as well, I wouldn't speak to the mother of my children like that.

Do you think perhaps it's a cultural thing too, seems more traditional view but sometimes that goes too far. That also aligns with the giving up view and also your grans likely, older fashioned viewpoint.

I can understand the idea of having a set family for the children, that's what I wanted too. However, sometimes it's not what is best and you can parent separately if it's not working.

Depending on how it would work out and if you can co-parent then you wouldn't be alone in a sense, just depends whether he would step up and how well would take it I guess in that scenario, considering his views.

In my case I tried so hard to give the children that family but my wife was doing everything in her power to make it harder and it was like that before they were born looking back now. It was abusive but I didn't see it at the time and just took it and hoped would get better. Only now I'm unable to co-parent as she's doubled down on that behavior and is withholding them.

So, mine maybe more extreme end but for me back along I tried so hard to give the children that ideal family but it was futile and nearly destroyed me in the process. Had I known what was coming I would have left years ago because it's done the children no favours in the end.

Hard to say as don't know the full story but I see elements in there I can relate to how mine was. All well and good being a nice dad but it kinda needs more than that in order to actually raise children and also support each other at the same time.

@JibbaJab oh sorry to hear that about your family, that's not easy at all especially when you try your best to make it happen. We talked about splitting up before. He knows how I feel about all of it. I had asked him in the past what would he do if we split up. He told me he would just move back to Poland. Which I understand as that's his real home, he has a sister here in Ireland but she has her own life, and the rents are too high for him alone.. So he most likely would go back to Poland. And of course then he would hardly see the kids, that would hurt them and I need him closer too them. I just feel so stuck!

@JibbaJab your right yes. He is a great dad but I am so worried that the kids will feel my quiet unhappiness. I know we can't be happy all the time, but I want the best of myself for them

Women in poor relationships write the great dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Your bar for what is a great dad is way too low if you think what he does makes him a good dad. A good dad would not treat the mother of his children with such open contempt like this man does.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yeah I needed to hear that.. I had a horrible father, drug addicted and abusive. So I suppose I'm clinging on to the moments I see him having with them sometimes. Your right it's the only positive thing I can write about him I never thought about it like that..

Your childhood set your expectations far too low. This won't work long term - even if you didn't have children holding you together this wouldn't work, no depth different language/culture, no humour/fun.

It may take you a while to end things but end things you will (or he will). So I would start secretly planning for a future without him. And for the love of god OP don't get pregnant again! Ironclad contraception. Single parenthood is difficult/expensive enough without adding extra children into the mix.

Your future won't be what you envisaged but in time you can make it a happy one for you and your DC. I'd maybe wait it out a little while until you'd be comfortable with them being away from you for long periods. They can go to Poland in the summer holidays when they're older. He won't pay child support if he goes back - or if he does it will be peanuts - so maybe start seeing if you can up skill/retrain so when your DC start school and become more and more expensive, you will hopefully be in a position to earn a good salary.

best of luck.

@TransitDays This is great advice. There's too many factors working against us and the clash is too deep.. I will start planning now. In the past I would feel impulsive to just leave. I still have that inside me but I need a solid plan. I am waiting for housing and at least they have a small age gap I can go back to work when they are in school. I'm currently learning to drive aswel which I need to finish up and get on the road before being single. I've only just turned 27 and I left alot of things late like driving so no life isn't very solid for me. But I know I can get there even if it means staying together for another couple of years till I have a fallback., like I say I don't have my mother to guide me, I have no friends with children either so I really was coming here to look for genuine guidance. Thank you ❤️

I hope all works out for you, I'm sure it will. It is very tough not having your mum for support. Well done on the driving - keep going! That will be one thing crossed off your list. Yes I have the same age gap with my DC and though it is very tough at the start it pays off in spades later.

You're still very young - you have your whole life ahead of you, put your plan into action and little by little you'll get there x

Yeah, sucks and long wait for court but hopefully get there eventually, thanks.

Other thing you got to look at as well, regardless of money situation if he's willing to go back to Poland and not see them again, kinda says it all. I would do whatever it took to facilitate a relationship and I've seen other fathers who are driving 200miles to do the same.

May be hard at first but children will adapt and it's better than you resenting later down the line. Obviously mine was a bit volatile of a separation, I wouldn't even call it that tbh but at first eldest was distraught but soon adapted and that was a few weeks. Only difference now is they don't understand what's happening but time moves faster for them in a way, if that makes sense very much in the moment.

Good idea to have a plan and do to your driving. I was late taking that up too I didn't drive until I was 20s but in a way I was more level by that point and it came easier. Once you get the hang of it, it's like second nature and you'll wonder how you managed not driving lol.

But yeah, you got whole life ahead of you so don't worry too much about what it's like right now. Your outlook may change in a few years, I know I'm completely different to what I was in my 20s, not that I'm much older but you know, perspectives change.

Hi OP this sounds like you have it really tough at the moment. I think you’ve been given some really great advice already, but I did want to come and say that at the age of your children I’m not surprised your relationship has become quite transactional. Children are such hands on hard work at that age and they are so close in age. I’d been with my DH for about 15 years before we had kids, and we ended up like ships in the night.
Its hard to be romantic and spontaneous with a 5 month old and an 18 month old.

Whilst I do think it’s worth giving thought to your exit plan, maybe try and do some date nights at home, or ask a friend to baby sit them so you can go and get a coffee together.