Divorce after 27 years

[Bowie16]

Hi. What do you do if you can’t look at your husband without shuddering but you can’t afford to divorce? Can we get the love back?
He is a nice man. We have 4 grown children who love him. But I don’t. I am not perfect. I have a temper and have not pulled my weight financially. But he has had a porn habit since day one and has prioritised himself at every turn during our marriage (though in a very understated way- he comes across as very self effacing) .
I can’t stand him. But I know that he will fare better after divorce than I will. We will really suffer financially and I am scared that I will not cope well.
I have lots of family and friends which will help but just want to know- how do you get the love back when it feels impossible? Is it?

Hi. Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds tough. Have you discussed getting help for the porn habit? Sounds like a sex addiction? Couples therapy could be worth exploring. Many have experience in both of these things.
do you enjoy any of your time together ?

Have you seriously looked into what the settlements might be if you did divorce/had legal advice?

Maybe it would be workable.

Going it alone is scary, but frankly spending the rest of your life with someone you seem to loathe sounds scarier. You've only got one life to lead.

Very grateful for the replies. He had counselling for the porn issue last year. The problem is, I thought that once that was sorted we would be fine. Turns out, things are no better. And now I’m thinking that we just basically hate each other. It really is that bad. I will look into my options re divorce. Think I just need to be braver. Thanks again x

I think you know it needs to end. You just need to sort out your finances.

I Don’t think it will be possible from what you describe. It’s gone too far. When kids are older, it will be a starting point of 50/50 including pension values so I’m sure you will be ok financially, at least initially until you get yourself back on your feet.

See a solicitor so you know what to expect financially.

Consider counselling to come to terms with the separation.

But ultimately it isn't fair on anyone to stay together out of fear or because you don't want to see him happy with someone else. It sounds as if you're both unhappy so start putting a plan into action. You might end up poorer but also happier and freer.

You’re all right. We are both unhappy. But we are constantly told that the grass isn’t greener and that keeps going round in my head. Life is tolerable at the moment. What if life after divorce is much worse? Husband is a “nice” man. And I think electriclight you have hit the nail on the head- I am fearful that he will meet someone else straight away (he is quite good looking, great job, outside interests etc) and I will be alone
waiting for my adult kids to visit! I am far from
useless (and have friends and family around) but my confidence is at rock bottom. This is why I have stuck with it all these years. But the last 2 years have made me miserable . Thanks again for listening to me x

How about spending the next year really working on building yourself up ready for an independent life?

It might be that he is the reason you have little confidence in yourself. It can't have done your self-esteem much good living as the second-class citizen in the marriage for years and tolerating things that have made you unhappy.

Like do some counselling/self-esteem building, focus on hobbies and your social circle independent of him, pay attention to how you feel about yourself and improving that.

Then at the end of the year or whatever time period you choose, decide whether staying in the marriage is actually what you want or need.

And if you do choose to stay, make it because it's a positive choice of wanting to be with him, rather than a negative choice of staying because you're afraid of being on your own or him moving on.

(I found ending things with my ex was fantastic for my self-esteem.)

Yes Category12, I think I need that. I don’t know who is responsible for my lack of confidence. We do a similar job (though he earns a lot more) and I am the more socially outgoing. I just took a backseat through the child rearing years and never really recovered my sense of self. Totally consumed by the kids I suppose. There’s a lesson there somewhere … 🤣