What to do about potentially ND inlaws and failing relationship with my DC?

[Blackisthecolour]

This could be long.

I've long suspected my ILs are ND - my MIL in particular cannot make eye contact, lives her life by routines (and gets upset if they're deviated from), has very little conversation which falls outside of two or three main topics (how to get somewhere by road, how much something costs or a particular football team).

She also does not engage with me (or to be fair anything or anyone she isn't interested in) AT ALL - for example we recently went away as a family (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, DH, me and our 2 DC 11 and 12) and in the entire week she only spoke directly to me once! (I'd asked where the teabags were on the last day and she said 'I packed them.') That was literally it and is completely typical of our relationship - I have a job which involves chatting to people all day which I find easy and (on the most part) enjoyable so it's never been something I thought was difficult.

Prior to meeting MIL I would've said there was no one I couldn't chat happily to but when I have tried to engage with her in the past it's clear that she's so uncomfortable/ unengaged that it's actively unpleasant for her so I've allowed this situation to develop too I guess.

MIL amd FIL are very co-dependant so he will often talk 'for' her, and try hard to make things 'right' so she is comfortable in her world e.g she MUST have a cup of tea and a single malted milk biscuit at a certain time so he ensures this happens come hell or high water, no matter what else is going on (even if everyone is stuffed, having eaten recently).

I only realised they must likely were ND after having my eldest DC, initially we didn't spend a lot of time together so their 'quirks' and lack of engagement/ eyecontact/ interest in anything that falls outside their narrow window of interest I just put down to them being different to my own family - completely nbd because it didn't really impact me at all at that time.

Roll on the DC and we now (obviously) spend a LOT more time together - my DH tries to be a good son and wants his DC to have a relationship with his parents. He takes the children over for tea in the week, we visit at weekends and to be honest, we are pressured to invite them to pretty much everything we do as a family which wouldn't be a problem except I literally feel like I'm wearing an invisibility cloak the whole time and crucially on these occasions not one of the people involved actually look like they're enjoying it - my ILS are out of routine, stressed, unhappy, expecting us to follow myriad unwritten/ unknown rules that keep them comfortable, DH is stressed trying to keep everyone present happy, I'm annoyed that I've ceased to exist entirely and the DC are annoyed at their strange, cold, GPS.

The DC seem not to have a bond with them despite DH and I trying our best, throwing them into each others' orbit constantly, reminding the kids to be kind and loving "wave to grandma and grandad", "don't forget to say thankyou for your dinner boys".

It doesn't matter to me that my ILs and I have no relationship, that they seen even to struggle to relate to my DH (their own son) but I recognise that they love my DC and are trying hard to connect in their own way. The problem is that its almost like they've learned to grandparent from a PSA entitled "how to grandparent a human child" - they are trying to do the right things but it falls flat.

MIL spends her time pottering around doing little tasks over and over to avoid engaging (endless washing up of a couple of spoons or cups - turning washing repeatedly, taking it outside to air, then back in if she thinks it is grey, then laying everything out again) - I secretly think of her as HoloGran because like a hologram she looks like a normal person but it can feel like she isn't there or she's behind a screen.

FIL puts on a fake jolly bluster that is obvious and uncomfortable for everyone, perhaps in an attempt to compensate. He can't talk to the children 'normally' - for example on the recent holiday my youngest DS scraped both his knees very badly so he and I abandoned the preplanned trip to the beach with everyone else (sand!) and stayed home to patch him up - we were watching a film in the living area when we heard FIL return on the lower floor, I heard my DS say 'oh no, it's him' and proceed to pretend to sleep on the sofa to avoid him. I was just about to tell him not to when FIL marched in, up to him and shouted (Brian Blessed style) "HOW'S THE PATIENT?" - he kept shouting it until he came right up to him. DS looked annoyed but said 'OK thanks'. I wish he could've known to just come in normally and speak to him at normal volume would get a far better response but I have no way to convey that.

If you've made it this far well done but I think I just needed to highlight that while they're trying, because they have no interest in me I don't know if there's anything at all I can do to help the situation/ encourage a connection. I was always close to my GP and it hurts to think my DC don't have that.

Let the dream go OP. I speak from experience with DH’s family.

Short interactions/visits. It’s not personal (which I think you understand). Tell DH to take the pressure off everyone.

Interesting that your son can see it too. I agree that younger people know much more than my generation did. I don't think it's rude to notice that someone is ND but it's tricky and awkward knowing how to bond with them as you often need a new set of unwritten rules and expectations.

It's tough because in order for the DC to have a relationship with them I feel like we're almost gaslighting them by pretenting it is normal.

That’s what I find concerning. I think you actually are doing that. You say you jolly the kids along, but they know this isn’t normal family interaction, yet you seem to be trying to persuade them that it is. You didn’t allow your child to avoid FIL when he said “oh no not him”, then sure enough, FIL came up and boomed at him repeatedly - which is probably exactly the kind of thing the child suspected he’d do. The kids could grow to resent that, feeling that you prioritised the GPs over them.

It's tough because in order for the DC to have a relationship with them I feel like we're almost gaslighting them by pretenting it is normal.

Maybe it's time to be more honest (with your older son at least) and admit that grandma is odd but if a cup of tea and malted milk will make her calm then to help ease her discomfort with that simple act.
Your son may have a ND classmate and be familiar with not getting the expected response back. For example when he waves bye, grandma may not return the wave.

I think that keeping visits short, sweet and less frequent is the answer. Your boys are old enough to be polite on those occasions and go through the motions so your h and the ILs can tick off the obligatory visit.

You’ll also notice that they are more accepting.
My dc came out with ‘well it’s just the way he is’.

You can’t force relationships and you can’t force them to be how you’d imagine/thought they would be.
Of your MIL/PIL are ND, then the relationship with their grand children will be shared by that. Let it be and let them build something together. Don’t judge. Whatever shape that relationship,will take, it will be specific to them. Not how it is with you. Not how it is for your DH.

It’s hard though I tried for 25 years to get them to be interested in me and then stopped because every time I tried they either ignored me or were rude to me and I got so upset, I don’t want to do round 2 fir my children as now I get to be upset by it all over again . I had an eating disorder as a teenager they didn’t even notice that

Have you tried asking them? Or telling them how you feel?
Weirdly to most NT people, direct conversation is often the best way to resolve such issues.
Ask them how often they'd like to meet up and if there's something they would prefer to do. Board games are a good idea, and start and end times often a good choice.
You might find you open up lines of conversation by being direct?
"MIL, can we have a chat? I wondered if I could tell you about (something about you)"
She may not know how to start that conversation.

if they haven't built any kind of bond or warm feeling yet is it a little bit optimistic to expect they ever will?

Not necessarily. I didn't have much of a relationship with my grandmother as a child. I thought she was cross and mean to my mum (she really was). I complained every week we had to visit. She was useless with small children, yet by the time I reached my late teens I loved her, as did all my siblings and cousins. I actively visited all the time in my twenties until she died when I was 33. She was a horrible cow at times to her own children and left some broken hearts behind her, but she was a lovely, generous, highly entertaining grandmother. She had an incredibly hard life so we understood why she was the way she was and we didn't have the baggage her children had, so we could take her with a pinch of salt. I miss her a lot!

It really will look different to other people's relationships. It won't mean it's less important, or less valuable.

I reminded my DC about the quirks of whichever family member we visited, along with some strategies.

Granny x isn't great at presents, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She really likes it when you listen to her stories.
Granny y loves jigsaws. Maybe ask her about those?

My kids are really great with all the diverse people they come across. They are good at bringing out the best of others. They see past things that other people take offence at.

Also, the less stressed the ILs are, the easier they will be to get along with. Their various strategies that help them manage will be exaggerated by the stress of visits. As you all get the hang of what works, they will be able to relax and counterintuitively will be more able to be the way you'd expect.

At a guess, MiL knows full well she's different, and can't talk to you because she'll get it wrong. Better to say nothing.

Take all the pressure off. Do all the talking/set them off talking about their own interests. They'll relax and end up more able to engage with you.

Sounds like the DC are well ahead of you both in dealing with this as it is, not how you'd like it to be.

If your DH is also ND, then they're used to him too. I feel for you as if you're sociably naturally, it's hard to see how difficult it can be. Plus I think they're being rude to you as well and it's not fair on you.

Short visits definitely, I'm ND & can be very sociable but anything more than a couple of hours and I'm floored for a week. This must be so hard for them too.

I can't see if you've mentioned how close you live to the inlaws. If distance allows for it, can you not just keep it to short visits.

My own parents are hard work. My mum is definitely ND and has OCD. I take the kids probably once or twice a month for an afternoon. They hardly see my mum. She is always performing her rituals (hand washing, cleaning etc). But they see her for a little bit and see my dad lots.

My now ex PIL are similarly hard work. Also suspect FIL is ND and MIL is disabled after a stroke when DC were tiny. STBXH got to the point where he hated taking the kids there because they would all just sit in silence while his parents sat watching Gold. He probably takes them the grand total of half an hour once a week now.

I would never go out shopping with my own mum, never mind go on holiday with her. It would be ridiculously stressful accommodating her and DC. I think your DH is being unreasonable in expecting this TBH.

someone Mentioned it isn’t normal family interaction. Yet, for some families, this is completely normal. If your entire household is ASD, you can exist on a different kind of normal that other people would find off-putting, but which our family finds very comfortable and completely average.

if your kids understand that the grandparents are Nd, then seriously, lean into it. It’s likely the grandparents don’t have a diagnosis, but that doesn’t really matter. Your kids are probably used to their quirky classmates and may even have ND friends, how do they interact with them?

@Ponderingwindow i agree with you re feeling comfortable for you.
But I’m going to say it’s only comfortable if either you are ND yourself (and then maybe even then, it might not be that easy) or if you have grown up with it.
’Outsiders’ are much more likely to find it hard, which is ok too.

I agree though that the dcs will probably find it easier than the OP. But the comment from one if the dcs ‘oh no, not him!’ makes me think they might find it hard too….

fwiw DH is in the spectrum.
dc1 has learnt to relate to him in DH ways. They, thankfully, have a common hobby which helps them have a subject if discussion.
But dc1 has also been known to say he didn’t want DH to be there for <insert school related stuff> because he didn’t want to have to look after him.
Not everything is easy. And what the relationship is becoming is shaped by the way parents/grand parents behave, incl the way ND is coming out fur them.

Short visits definitely, I'm ND & can be very sociable but anything more than a couple of hours and I'm floored for a week. This must be so hard for them too.

@Wibbleswombats but surely, they should be able to communicate that? At least to their son (the OP’sDH)?