Do we love our adult children any less?

[eefs]

A close friend of mine?s mother has always been difficult to get on with but has recently cut off all ties with her (adult) children because they still talked their father (her ex husband, they?ve been separated for 10 yrs now!), It?s a severe case, but not the only time I?ve heard of a parent being horrible to their adult offspring. It got me thinking and I?m curious to know other peoples experiences of it.
I have a ds (2 yrs) and I love him dearly and want to protect him from all evils, and know that I?m not unique in feeling this. I know from reading other treads that as our children get older, we have less control over their lives and cannot keep them safe to the same degree, but I definitely get the impression that the desire to continue to care and protect them is still very strong. I?m thinking in terms of school-going children being influenced by classmates and teachers, and know that I too will want to keep a close eye on what happens and how it affects my children. For example if my son is being bullied then I?ll do what I need to change the situation, likewise if my son is a bully I hope I can recognise this and tackle that issue as well.
I?m curious to know what will happen when my ds is all grown up and has left home. I know friends and from other treads that there are a lot of people who do not get on with their parents and whose parents actions are sometimes the very opposite of those of a loving parent.
What happens when our children grow up, do we feel less love for them? Does the desire to protect them fade? Will the all-encompassing desire to do the best for my son only last until he?s earning his own money? SueDonim I know you have both adult and young children, I hope you don?t mind, but I?d like to hear your opinion on this as well? And anyone else with adult children?

I think this is a very interesting concept eefs. I will have to go away and think about it but definitely will be interested in response.

Me too. I have fantasies about me, dh, ds, dsd and possible future sibling plus their respective partners sharing a meal and wine in the garden in 20 years time and having a lovely time. I'd really like to think that's possible. A couple of my friends have fantastic relationships with their parents and I'd like that for my family.

I would say that you never stop loving, caring, being there for your children whatever their age. I have young children but my mum still worries about me (I am 35) and even more so about my brother (he is 39!!!). She still tries to do her best by us, is not over the top, just there for us.

I think that the relationship between a mother/father and their children does alter when the children become adults, but I don't think you ever stop loving them, caring for them whatever their age.

I am now a single mum to 3 kids but my mum still worries about me, cooks me dinner when I have been at work all day (we laugh - I call it meals on wheels - she cooks it at her house (when she feeds my children), then brings it to my house when she drops the children off after I get in from work).

Like we all get little treats for our children (I do for mine when I have been at work - not every day or even every week, just now and then to let them know I have been thinking of them even though I have been at work) and my mum still does the same for me. Not in an over-powering way, just a nice thoughtful/loving way.

I don't think you stop loving them but I think, as they get older, you may become less tolerant or accepting of their 'faults'. Once they become adults I don't think it's unreasonable to think that their company might not be what you seek if you and they have incompatible personalities, for instance.

Only tonight, I was talking to a friend about how she was finding her mum irritataing and difficult to be with. And it's horrible to think that our own kids may think that about us.

I think children and parents make massive allowances for each other because they (usually)love each other but, certainly when you have more say about it, it's probably inevitable that you may choose to spend less tiem with each other.

I can't imagine ever not loving and adoring my adult children. They're the best thing since sliced bread and then some. The thing is, they don't become adult overnight so it's easy to go on loving them. I think the most difficult thing is having to stand back and let them make their own mistakes and to find out things the hard way. (My mother wasn't able to do this with the four of us and it led to some awful times in our family, the deep-down hurts of which have never healed properly even after 30 years. ) And (boasting mum alert!) I'm incredibly proud of what they have both achieved and that they both seem to have turned out to be decent specimens of the human race.

Aloha has the scenario about right for us (although not in the garden, cos we usually live in chilly Scotland!). Some of our best times have been when both boys are home with their DW and GF and we have such a laugh together. Ds2 is a more prickly character to deal with than ds1 but any arguments sort themselves out eventually. Ds2 and I are basically alike in character, hence the occasional sparks.

DH and I both get kisses and hugs from the boys and often more information than we want/need from ds1, lol!! Certainly I am aware of their faults (ds1 regarding DH as the Bank of Dad and his propensity for losing things, ds2's tendency to be pompous) but then who doesn't have faults??

We're also fortunate in that the boys have lovely young women in their lives and that has brought a whole new enjoyable dimension to us. Ds2's gf has been harder to get to know, as she is quiet and it's very difficult to 'read' her but I was touched that she sobbed her eyes out when we left for Indonesia. In fact, she has missed us so much, according to ds2, that I tease him that she's only his gf because of us.

We all keep in touch via email and phone calls (us in Jakarta, ds2 in Scotland, ds1 in Los Angeles) and I get grumpy emails if I haven't got around to sending them a message lately. It's a reversal of the usual situation when adult kids don't contact their parents!

Oh, and they both still expect Advent calendars and presents from Santa, so really, they're not grown up at all, are they?

I could go on rambling about them for hours but will shut up now. I bet you wish you'd never asked, eefs!!

suedonim- I hope I get this parenting lark as right as you have... Your adult sons sound wonderful and, frankly, that doesn't surprise me at all from reading your posts over the last year or so. I so admire your "I love you but will let you get on with your life because it is your life" way of doing things. Such a hard balance to get right I would guess but it sounds like you do it brilliantly.

I think that I am really lucky with my parents ... we are all grown up now with children and we are all over the world (me in NZ and one DB in South Africa - other DB in UK and DSis in UK) and my parents have never once turned their backs on us no matter what we have done (and we have done some pretty bad things between the 4 of us)

I know that many of my friends see our family as unusual ... we all WANT to go home for Xmas for example ... and sometimes my friends see us as too close but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I have some friends who go to see their parents because of 'duty' and have nothing in common and wouldn't tell them anything about their lives etc ... I think that is incredibly sad ...

When I became a mum and began to feel those maternal feelings I looked at my own mum in a new light ... I had always loved her and needed her and have always had a fantastic relationship/friendship with her but suddenly I knew really how much she loved ME.

My DH, on the other hand has a very distant relationship with his parents ... they have this 'duty' thing with very little love and affection going on and I think that is so sad. My DH was sent to boarding school when he was 10 and when he got expelled at 17 instead of helping him with his problems his mother booted him out of home and didn't talk to him properly until he was 23 and he had met me (a 'nice' girl' who 'sorted' him out. I had done nothing of the sort of course but she couldn't see that ... she even told me that he was unreliable etc when she first met me ... BTW my DH is the most reliable person I know!)

I just can't believe how anyone can carry a baby for 9 months, give birth

(Mr Ghosty says hello! Sorry about that!!! DH just hijacked the 'puter!)

... breastfeed, stay up all night with illnesses, worry about the first day at school, kiss hurts and give cuddles and generally devote their lives to their 'child' children and then turn away from their 'adult' children. To me that is unthinkable...

Blimey, that was a long rant ... sorry... feeling emotional after recent events!

PS ... really hope I don't have to eat my words when DS is on drugs and in Juvenile detention ... but even then I would love him and support him because he is PART OF ME!

Suedonim, thanks for a lovely post - your family sound fantastic and I hope that one day I might be able to acheive something half as happy and harmonious!

Suedonim, your post brought tears to my eyes. I just hope that I can say such wonderful things about my ds and dd when they are grown up.

My dh has a fantastic relationship with his mum, she is one of his best friends (although I will stress here that he is definitely NOT a mummy's boy) and they both look out for one another. I feel very lucky that she welcomed me into her family with open arms, rather than being suspicious or judgemental of me.

We also have a friend who has a particularly marvellous relationship with his parents - they seem more like us than parents (if you follow my drift!) and we've had some great times with them on skiing holidays, camping trips etc.

SueDonim you sound like you?ve got it right, what?s your secret? Your post is really touching. It?s heartening to hear of the strong warm relationships you all seem to have with your parents. I have a good relationship with my parents, we get on well together, I enjoy their company, but would not confide in my mother like a best friend. I don?t regard that as a failing in our relationship but just that the mother/daughter lines have never been crossed. Having said that, I know I would like a closer relationship with my ds when he?s an adult. Just like Aloha I have a lovely picture in my head of sitting in the garden with my children preparing a bbq and my grandchildren playing around my feet, with the sound of laughter in the air. Very idealistic, but it would be nice?..

I suppose I?m afraid that I?ll no longer feel the same love for my ds when he?s older, but I think maybe it?s more likely that I?ll no longer need to protect him, no longer need to excuse his faults and or see them as a direct reflection on my parenting skills but still love him as much. I hope that I can let ds make his own mistakes, and wait quietly at the sidelines until he needs me again.

I do find it shocking how nasty families can be to each other though, and these would be families where the mothers were devoted when the children were young, so it did make me wonder if it could easily happen to any one of us.

well thats enough pondering for a friday..

Oh SueDonim, that is such a nice post on a dark and depressing November night. I am not at all surprised ds2's GF cried her eyes out when you set off for Indonesia - I am sure I'm not the only Mumsnetter who was really worried we might never hear from you again. Good job those two boys are young and accounted for - you'd have a queue round the block. Not for THEM - but for you two as PILs.

suedonim, thanks for your post. i worry i've only got a certain amount of time to love/enjoy ds before he goes off us... doesn't call etc etc... thanks for letting me know it doesn't have to be that way.

Blush!! Thank you for saying all these lovely things but I don't really deserve them cos I/we haven't done anything special.

Maybe it's because my generation of parents have had the benefit of more enlightened methods of raising children, but I cannot think of any of my friends who don't have a good relationship with their offspring. In fact, a group of us who've been pals a long time often have a laugh that the blooming kids refuse to go away and give us some peace and quiet!! But we wouldn't have it any other way, though it is a bit scary that the first of my group will become a granny in the New Year. Eek!

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