Erectile Dysfunction - any advice?

Thrivenotsurvive · 2023-08-02T07:31:17+00:00

DP and I have been together for about 18 months and had an active sex life. My sex drive is higher than his, I’d have sex every day if I could whereas he is happy with 3/4 times a week. He is very attentive, considerate etc. He always had a ‘ladies first’ policy and he would make me orgasm before PIV every time. A few weeks ago he struggled to get an erection one night, it was late and we were tired so I told him it didn’t matter etc. However it is now happening more frequently and I struggle to not take it personally. It has now happened twice in a row and I can tell he is getting very despondent. I don’t think I helped last night but I went upstairs and put on some sexy underwear and it all went pear shaped. It was obviously too much pressure for him but just added to the feelings of me not being enough and him being ‘broken’ as he calls it. I’ve now stopped initiating sex which makes me feel detached from him in a way, just waiting for him to want me. The main issue now though it has often has an erection in the morning and so we’ve been having sex then but it feels very rushed. I can tell he has one and he then starts kissing me quickly, no foreplay and straight into rutting sex. I’ve gone with it because I don’t want him to feel any more inadequate than he does but I can’t keep having this quick bang, which feels more about his ego than anything else. Outside of the bedroom he is honestly the most loving, considerate man I have ever met and I know he is devastated by it all. He is a little overweight and so has started eating more healthily, exercising etc so he is trying to do something about it but my question is - do I have a chat with him about needing more in my sex life or just have this mediocre sex for a bit to give him that confidence in the hope that it all resolve?

DustyLee123 · 02/08/2023 08:32

How old is he ? Will he try Viagra, or see the doctor for a health/MH check ?

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 02/08/2023 08:34

How old is he? It sounds like the issue is mental rather than physical

Original poster

Thrivenotsurvive · 02/08/2023 08:35

He is 42 and it’s definitely psychological now. He says he has got into his own head and now worries that it won’t happen, which is then a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 02/08/2023 08:37

If he's under 50 its likely a psychological issue unless he has new additional physical health issues.
Any new stresses in his life?
Does he use a lot of porn?
I had an ex who had this issue in my 20s and I really recognise the whole getting extra dressed up etc etc - don't go down that road, it's nothing to do with you. If it continues you need to decide if you can stay in the relationship or not. If it makes you feel utterly awful then your considering your own mental health is not being selfish.

DustyLee123 · 02/08/2023 08:37

How often did he have sex with previous partners ? Maybe it’s just too often for him.

Original poster

Thrivenotsurvive · 02/08/2023 08:43

I am wondering whether he feels pressure to keep up with my sex drive. He’s never been pushy about sex and when we’ve spoken about sex he does have a lower sex drive than me.

He has some trauma around being cheated on and I now wonder whether he feels like he’ll lose me if he doesn’t ‘satisfy’ me enough.

He doesn’t use porn or doesn’t use it very often if he does.

No new stresses. Just happened one night when he was tired and I think it’s now become a bigger issue in his head

OP posts:

SpringCalling · 02/08/2023 09:09

Sounds like a pattern is developing that needs breaking. Can you eg initiate a massage night? Where you massage him (then hopefully him you). The aim not being to orgasm but to get back into enjoying each others bodies. Bring in talk that you (well he!) doesn't have to orgasm each time to satisfy you, There are other ways .... take the pressure off. I had similar once but after he caught on that there were a myriad of ways we could adapt when straight forward sex was not happening, the pressure was off and it resolved anyway .....

Tiqtaq · 02/08/2023 09:40

Get his blood pressure checked

todayisaugust · 02/08/2023 12:11

Male here. Similar age to your partner OP. I has a similar issue a few years ago. I hope this is not tmi - for me I would get hard and start having sex, but then lose it half way through. I saw my GP who did some tests ( blood pressure, testosterone levels, cholesterol etc. ) which all said I was fit and health. My BMI is right where it should be and all that. It wasn't a physical problem is what I am getting at.

It was also absolutely nothing to do with how attractive I found my partner, how much I was enjoying it, or how much I wanted to have sex with her. You should definitely not take it personally in any way OP - it is likely to be in his head and about how he sees himself.

Sex is a comically serious business for men and I think many men sometimes find it terrifying - which is ridiculous, but there you go. I got into a terrible cycle of thinking "if in next few minutes my body does not do this thing that I can't control my partner will feel insulted and if it keeps happening I will hate myself and eventually I could loose my relationship".

What worked for me was a) my wonderful partner accepting that it was nothing to do with her or how I felt about her - very important to diffuse the stress and worry. b) (again I hope this is not tmi ) a cock ring. A latex one that cost a fiver- amazingly simple and effective. Once I knew my erection would stay, I could concentrate on the moment and everything was fine. After a few months of this I stopped worrying about it and my problem resolved itself.

Good luck to you and your partner OP

Original poster

Thrivenotsurvive · 02/08/2023 13:29

todayisaugust · 02/08/2023 12:11

Male here. Similar age to your partner OP. I has a similar issue a few years ago. I hope this is not tmi - for me I would get hard and start having sex, but then lose it half way through. I saw my GP who did some tests ( blood pressure, testosterone levels, cholesterol etc. ) which all said I was fit and health. My BMI is right where it should be and all that. It wasn't a physical problem is what I am getting at.

It was also absolutely nothing to do with how attractive I found my partner, how much I was enjoying it, or how much I wanted to have sex with her. You should definitely not take it personally in any way OP - it is likely to be in his head and about how he sees himself.

Sex is a comically serious business for men and I think many men sometimes find it terrifying - which is ridiculous, but there you go. I got into a terrible cycle of thinking "if in next few minutes my body does not do this thing that I can't control my partner will feel insulted and if it keeps happening I will hate myself and eventually I could loose my relationship".

What worked for me was a) my wonderful partner accepting that it was nothing to do with her or how I felt about her - very important to diffuse the stress and worry. b) (again I hope this is not tmi ) a cock ring. A latex one that cost a fiver- amazingly simple and effective. Once I knew my erection would stay, I could concentrate on the moment and everything was fine. After a few months of this I stopped worrying about it and my problem resolved itself.

Good luck to you and your partner OP

Thank you so much for this. You have hit the nail on the head. I think he’s feeling rubbish about himself and has now got into a cycle of thinking it won’t happen so it doesn’t.

I hoping to have a chat with him later, just saying I’m happy with being intimate in other ways and take the pressure off. I want to get the right balance of being understanding but not pitying him. He is so wonderful that I’d hate to make him feel any worse than he does

OP posts:

tryingtogoveggyagain · 02/08/2023 13:54

I echo everything that @todayisaugust says. I'm a male, a little older (mid-50s) and I recognise everything that's been said from my own experience. Once the thought is in your mind that "it's not going to work" it's tricky to dislodge.

What broke the cycle of anxiety for me was occasional Viagra and more recently, Cialis (which lasts much longer), both readily available on prescription online from reputable pharmacies or over the counter. I was initially very wary of going down the medication line. I've never had medication for anything in my life and for several months I didn't even open the box!

But eventually I gave it a go and discovered it was highy effective and I could just then relax and enjoy the moment. Problem resolved and a game changer for us.

Original poster

Thrivenotsurvive · 02/08/2023 14:36

tryingtogoveggyagain · 02/08/2023 13:54

I echo everything that @todayisaugust says. I'm a male, a little older (mid-50s) and I recognise everything that's been said from my own experience. Once the thought is in your mind that "it's not going to work" it's tricky to dislodge.

What broke the cycle of anxiety for me was occasional Viagra and more recently, Cialis (which lasts much longer), both readily available on prescription online from reputable pharmacies or over the counter. I was initially very wary of going down the medication line. I've never had medication for anything in my life and for several months I didn't even open the box!

But eventually I gave it a go and discovered it was highy effective and I could just then relax and enjoy the moment. Problem resolved and a game changer for us.

Thanks, I’ll suggest trying some medication just to get his confidence back.

can I just ask how far in advance you have to take it before it works? Will chat to him tonight and want to have all the facts as I’m not sure he will want to try pills

OP posts:

tryingtogoveggyagain · 02/08/2023 16:44

Around half an hour with either Viagra or Cialis.

An additional benefit of Cialis is that it is unaffected by food and is effective for up to 36 hours. The more well known Viagra is most effective on an empty stomach and is effective for around only six hours by comparison. There's a whole lot more info online.

Viagra and Cialis are brand names for Sildenafil and Tadalafil respectively and the identical generic forms are widely available and slightly cheaper.

For the online versions your DP will need to answer a series of health related questions before prescription. This can be done directly with a pharmacist if preferred. There are various strengths available. Some men can have fairly minor side effects - slight flushing of the skin, snuffly nose - all of which are explained. I'm fortunate enough not to have had any at all which I think is the more typical experience.

The medication can be delivered to your door or collected from the pharmacy. Boots do this and so currently to Lloyds but I understand Lloyds are closing much of their business.

I'm definitely not a "pill person" but I have to say it's very straightforward and has been really helpful for us and enabled me to get back confidence and relax and enjoy intimacy.

All the best.

Fiddlesticks8 · 07/05/2024 10:13

@todayisaugust
Thank you so much for your explanation about the psychological issues which go on in the mind of a man when ED makes an occasional appearance- your comments have really helped

Dadjoke007 · 07/05/2024 10:26

Had a similar thing with my ex - I just felt so much pressure to perform I needed some extra help. Online is so easy - Sildenafil and Tadalafil - the former is viagra, lasts a few hours, get very hard and is good. The later is something that is less 'strong' but lasts a couple of days.