Mr Right on paper

[perfectonpaper]

I'm in a 4 year relationship, with a young DC, with nearly the perfect sounding man. He's loyal, he cares deeply about his family, supportive, he's intelligent, practical, multi-talented, interesting, well travelled, ambitious, physically attractive both facially and in his physique, he's in a well paying job and has multiple friendship circles. I'm missing some other positive qualities I'm sure, but you get the jist.

The problem is, the happy ever after you might imagine being with someone like that is far from reality. He's full of resentment for most of the world and has a general intolerance of people (despite, or as a result of so he claims, working in healthcare) - to the point where he will shout and swear out of the window at someone who turned into a side road too slowly for his liking and then continue to be pissed off about it for some time afterwards. I'm a very empathic person and I'm usually pretty good at judging when something is up with someone, and yet I often find myself asking if he's okay (I mean once every couple of days to clarify, not hourly) because he fools me with his overall negative demeanour which is just his default state. He never gets excited about anything, not even a little bit. He's deadpan, but without the funny.

I've reached the point, repeatedly lately, of feeling like I know deep down this isn't right. I can already see how aspects of me have been subtly influenced to perceive people and the world the way he does, even though I'm naturally the complete opposite, and I often feel sapped of good energy when he's around. Not to mention the general atmosphere that is created as a result both of how he is and how I feel about how he is, isn't a healthy environment for our DC to grow up surrounded by. I am admittedly clinging onto potential, rather than accepting him for how he is. Circumstancially though, I am stuck (financially, logistically, etc). And as much as I've just acknowledged "staying together for the kids" isn't a healthy approach, I also do not wish to disrupt DC's life in the way that parental separation does unless it's absolutely necessary (I have trauma from my own parent's splitting up which I do not wish to recreate).

I just need to vent and get feedback anonymously I guess, because I don't have anyone else I want to admit how I feel to. Am I being a dick, should I be more appreciative of the good things?

No you’re not being a dick. Being around someone who is so bitter can really wear you out, especially if you are more of a happy go lucky person. I am sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds tough

'On paper' doesn't mean anything if he makes your life miserable.

Did your own parents have an acrimonious split?
I think how kids feel about divorce is largely based on the parents behaviour.

If you are honest with them and just say 'mummy and daddy aren't getting along so we decided it would be better to get our own houses. So you'll get TWO bedrooms. And that dog he didn't want? Let's get one at my house!' And just try and be happy around them when in your own place and do lots more fun things.

Plus, they can't be very old? If you get out by the time they're six they'll probably not remember.ber much of it.

You might not be able to go now, but maybe work towards it.

You should trust your gut. Has he always been like this? It might be that he needs anger management therapy - is this something he would be receptive to?

It's irrelevant that he's Mr Right on paper if he's not Mr Right in real life.

Nothing you have described sounds at all like Mr Right on paper to be honest! Someone who is good looking and has a good job, but is a miser and a bit of an asshole to other people and makes you at least on a certain level, feel unhappy, doesn't sound at all appealing to me. I think you are focussing so much on the outward appearance - how he comes across to others - that you're missing that he's not actually that great.

Why is he so resentfull?
If he’s everything you listed, sounds like he lived and still lives a unusually charmed life.

People don't behave like that when they're happy. I'd say he's really miserable and or depressed. If you want to stay then maybe it would be worth talking about it with him, maybe a complete change of career even if it means less money might make a difference.