Sadness and dysfunctional family

[NeonFlamingos]

Looking for some positive stories or inspiration please...
My family of origin is really messed up. Lots of trauma, addiction and mental health problems from childhood onwards. I think I've accepted this now and know others won't change. I'm now estranged from parents which is really difficult. It has so many knock on effects. I just tried so hard and I had to escape in order to protect my mental health.

These past few weeks, I've felt such immense pain and sadness at not having any foundation, not being 'held up' if that makes sense. It's been a long summer, mostly solo with young children. Everywhere I go I see families with grandparents/extended family. I'm so glad for them but feel so lonely.

I'm desperate to have a sense of belonging/community. I'm a friendly, open person but feel I just don't fit in and nobody understands.

I broke down this morning and my DH seemed angry (he's fed up even though I mostly hold it together) and said it was my choice to no longer speak to parents. He just doesn't understand.

Does anyone have any advice about how to navigate this? Or have you managed to build a good community & connections for yourself?

I've been to therapy, really worked on myself over the years, etc and know that it's the community/sense of belonging that I need fill this huge, sad void.

I'm in a similar situation, I don't have a lot of contact and I feel like you. With no support, no roots, nothing. It's rubbish, isn't it?

I don't think there's much you can do. Grieve the family you never had. Read about reparenting. Good luck.

It is rubbish. Sorry you are in this place too. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I've read/watched/listened to so much over the years and have gathered a fair bit of wisdom about how to move on/ reparent/ heal etc... (lots of great advice from the Stately Homes thread kept me sane!)

It's just this immense sadness that this is 'how it is' that I'm struggling with. The loneliness, not being understood, the shame, guilt..... ahhh!

Usually I can focus on breaking the cycle for my own kids but lately it's been hard.

Comparison doesn't help!

Hopefully as our kids grow we will become stronger and things will get easier.

I think when you have a bad childhood without safe, supportive, consistent parenting you grow up empty, lost, sad and anxious as the outside of you has grown into an adult but the inside is still like a child.
It is well known from research that trauma as a child interrupts your emotional development and literally changes your brain chemistry.
When your childhood is scary, unpredictable and worrying you learn that other people are not safe and you can't trust them. This is not a basis for a healthy and happy and secure adulthood.
I don't know what the answer is. Everyone suggests therapy or reading books to reparent your inner child. I'm not sure you can ever be 'fixed' back to the way you would have been had you been nurtured, validated and shown a safe, loving, consistent parenting.

Many children who have unstable/violent childhoods where one or both of the parents is abusive or mentally ill struggle their whole lives. Many have disordered eating, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, people pleasing tendencies.
It is sad. I speak from experience. One abusive parent. The other parent very much an enabler. Children played off against one another. Grew up not knowing what a healthy relationship looked like.

It definately leads to you feeling empty, lost, insecure, worried and yes I too feel jealous when I see 'normal' families out with grannies and grandads or extending families supporting each other.
For me, I have learnt to appreciate animals (dogs - loyal, no hidden agenda). Keep guard up against so called 'family'. It's lonely but 'safe'
If your husband had a normal happy childhood it is probably impossible for him to understand (although he doesn't sound like he is trying much!). Of course you don't want to cut your parents off. You just have 2 horrible alternatives - no parents or bad parents.
Hugs

I am sorry to read this OP - but equally I am in awe that you have taken the difficult decision to step away from your original family. ( we can chose our friends but we can’t chose our families) Well done you

Firstly we look at ‘other families’ and think it’s all great but often there are tensions and hierarchies- no family is the same and no family is perfect.

Your DH may be unable to support you in that it’s not his reality and he may be thinking you don’t think he’s enough
Unless you say otherwise I would give him the benefit of the doubt - but keep the communication open. Just having a sad day today love - just one of those things, can I have a hug ( this has helped my DH understand the shit that goes through my brain)

Secondly - look at who is around you
Who you meet up with. Who is the family you make for yourself?

Many people don’t have the perfect family ( the image we are all sold) what makes a difference is how you deal with it
You have stepped away
You are doing your best to break the cycle
You recognise your feelings and emotions

Think of yourself as having a tank of well being - some things in life will drain that tank. Some things will top it up.
Be kind to yourself and know when to top up the tank

I think you have to build new connections with friends increasing your social circle if you have to in order to do that . Family can be hugely disappointing and friends help feel the void . I do agree there's something about being ' anchored ' with a family but not everyone has that .

@Poochypaws thanks for your reply and understanding. I agree, have spent so much of the past 20 years trying to 'fix' myself, however I don't think that's possible. All I can do is be the best I can using the tools I have.

Really working on the people pleasing at the moment. I'm terrible for it.

Funny you say about the animals. I can't wait for the right time to bring a dog into the family. Will be a great companion for those nature walks which are a my go to.

@Restinggoddess thank you. I took on your advice and spoke to DH. "Sometimes I'll be sad, no there's nothing you can do & just listening would be great" He had a very stable, close knit childhood and is adored by his family. He (fortunately) doesn't understand.

@hattie43 yes, there's no anchor. I feel like I'm just bobbing about a vast ocean of sadness, loneliness & confusion. I must work on building healthy, strong relationships.

Oh God Neon this is me too.💐

I get it. I see extended families out for dinner and while it's lovely to see, I definitely feel pangs of sadness. There's no-one in my family to phone if I want to share news about DC or to give support. I'm nobody's child now.

But - I have a lovely DH, DC and I live in a nice safe place. The rest of my troublesome family live abroad and I'll probably never see them again. They can no longer abuse me or cause drama.