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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you help someone get over you?

26 replies

aramat · 01/08/2023 17:26

I (28) broke up with DP (31) recently. No regrets, it was the right thing to do from my point of view even though I miss him. We’ve had a few friendly conversations since I moved out but I’ve told him I have no desire to get back together.

He’s really suffering. I get a lot of text messages from him saying how hard he’s finding it and how miserable his life’s been since we broke up. It’s painful to be told about this because I really really want him to be happy and to be able to get on with his life. I feel quite guilty, even though I don’t believe I’ve acted badly towards him.

I’ve thought about cutting off contact altogether and blocking his messages, although that feels like a big step and I know it would hurt him more. We never had children, so it wouldn’t be that impossible. I’m just not sure it’s the right thing to do or even what I want.

What’s going to help him? I just want for us both to move on.

OP posts:
Assignedtoworryyourmother · 01/08/2023 17:27

You can't do anything. Stop engaging with him, it's (probably) giving false hope. Grey rock or block.

Maztek · 01/08/2023 17:28

The more you engage with him the harder it will be. You need to cut all ties.

or take a dump on his carpet or something.

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 01/08/2023 17:29

Maztek · 01/08/2023 17:28

The more you engage with him the harder it will be. You need to cut all ties.

or take a dump on his carpet or something.

😂🤣😂 post of the day goes to you 👏👏

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 17:29

It's not your job to manage his emotions, and continuing to communicate with him is only giving him false hope. Stop it. You need to break it off entirely.

MagpiePi · 01/08/2023 17:30

Tell him that there is zero chance of you getting back together and he is not helping himself if he keeps contacting you, then block. He's a big boy, he'll cope.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/08/2023 17:31

He's not going to move on while you're still talking to him and providing emotional support.

You don't need to do it in a cruel way but it would be appropriate to say something like "I can hear that you're really hurting from the break up and I'm sorry for that. It's not doing either of us any favours to remain in contact at this point, so I'm going to stop talking with you. Please get support from your family and friends. I wish you all the best for the future. "

No need to block unless he then continues to contact you.

I've been here a couple of times being the one who's been dumped and at the time it feels unbearable to not be in contact, but it only prolongs the pain and delays the healing process.

Whataretheodds · 01/08/2023 17:32

You tell him you think it's best you have some space from each other for a while so you can get used to not being together. Then you mute (or block him if he keeps contacting you). You don't engage.

PrettyScotland · 01/08/2023 17:33

Don't block him unless he's really stressing you out, it's cruel. I just kept replying with short but friendly "oh well that's life " type messages and didn't give any hope whatsoever. Eventually I just told him as nicely as possible it was time to stop moping and he finally moved on. It's one thing to not be able to get over someone but eventually the begging texts become tedious.

We've all been there. We all have to deal with it internally - and with self respect.

gamerchick · 01/08/2023 17:34

NC is the only way. If you keep engaging with him, he's going to hang on to every word.

Tell him you can't have contact anymore as its doing neither of you any good.

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 01/08/2023 17:36

Yeah I agree with PP. You don't need to block him, but you do need to let him heal on his own.

I'd say he's going to need at least three months of very low or no contact before the two of you will be able to have less emotionally charged and draining conversations.

okiedokie1 · 01/08/2023 17:51

MagpiePi · 01/08/2023 17:30

Tell him that there is zero chance of you getting back together and he is not helping himself if he keeps contacting you, then block. He's a big boy, he'll cope.

Well he might not cope. People can not cope with many emotional things. People have breakdowns. People take their lives. All sorts of shut happen do flippancy is not very helpful. But regardless, being in contact OP is not helping. Tell him that for his sake, you need to go no contact. There needs to be a period of time where you do not communicate at all

Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2023 17:57

You don’t
Hes not yours to fix any more ( thankfully)
Just be consistent in your boundaries
Also, are you my DD because her (ex) BF says that she hasn’t broken up with him so he will just behave like usual until she comes to her sense - gaslighting little shit

MidnightMeltdown · 01/08/2023 17:58

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 01/08/2023 17:27

You can't do anything. Stop engaging with him, it's (probably) giving false hope. Grey rock or block.

Wow! Shocking lack of empathy here. Unless he's been abusive or done something really out of line, don't do this. It's really dick-ish.

I would just be honest with him. Tell him that you enjoyed your time together and hope that you can remain friends in future (if you want that), but right now, you both need time and space to heal, so ask that he stops contacting you for the time being.

Make it clear, that he's not right for you as a partner, and so that it's clear that there's no hope that you will get back together in future.

Fruitcakesanddogs · 01/08/2023 18:07

Make it clear that he meant a lot to you and your breakup is not a reflection of him not being good enough, it’s just you didn’t feel you were compatible. Make your social media accounts private so he can’t agonise over pictures of you, and kindly explain to him that you will no longer be replying to any more messages so that he can move on. Explain that you will always look back on the relationship with fond memories and you care about him.

Original poster
aramat · 01/08/2023 18:09

Thanks everyone for the responses. I don't want to go into why I left, but just to be clear he hasn't been abusive or gaslit me or anything like that.

The message I'm hearing is cut off contact, at least for a period of time, as the kindest thing to do, I get it, it's probably right and I've been too soft. But I'm not going to find it easy.

OP posts:
GatherlyGal · 01/08/2023 18:09

I don't think his "getting over it" involves you tbh.

You need to be firm but fair that it's over and not engage with him any more.

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 01/08/2023 18:25

aramat · 01/08/2023 18:09

Thanks everyone for the responses. I don't want to go into why I left, but just to be clear he hasn't been abusive or gaslit me or anything like that.

The message I'm hearing is cut off contact, at least for a period of time, as the kindest thing to do, I get it, it's probably right and I've been too soft. But I'm not going to find it easy.

It sounds like you need some space to get over it too 🌺

TheIsleOfTheLost · 01/08/2023 19:21

See op, as soon as you said you aren't going to find it easy, it becomes about you. It sounds like you are still seeking comfort from him too. If you don't intend to reunite then you really should pull off the sticking plaster.

whatthefuckisnext · 01/08/2023 19:51

I got dumped a few weeks ago and went no contact by choice. Nearly 4 weeks on and I feel sad but my head is clearer and I'm moving along nicely. My friend is in his position although she also got dumped but ex is using her for emotional support. That was 2 months ago and she's still a mess, way behind me in the recovery process. Do him a favour and cut him off with no expectation he'll hear from you again. Cruel but kind.

Auntieofdragons · 01/08/2023 19:56

Yes go cold turkey. Explain it to him in a kind but firm way and don’t respond afterwards. Someone else has to help him pick up the pieces- it cannot be you. Every time you answer a message it gives him home and takes him one day further away from being over you. Say something like ‘This is the last message I’m going to send you because we both need to move on with our lives. I wish you all the best but I can’t be the one to help you through this.’ Then block block block

Do not make the mistake of making contact in a few months. Its best in the long run. Will a new love interest on either side want you being friendly with an ex? No.

FOJN · 01/08/2023 20:03

aramat · 01/08/2023 18:09

Thanks everyone for the responses. I don't want to go into why I left, but just to be clear he hasn't been abusive or gaslit me or anything like that.

The message I'm hearing is cut off contact, at least for a period of time, as the kindest thing to do, I get it, it's probably right and I've been too soft. But I'm not going to find it easy.

It is the kindest thing to do. No matter how clear you are about your boundaries a person in pain will hear what they want to hear, they just want the pain to stop. Trying to be kind just gives false hope and is an awful thing to do. You cannot keep replying because you feel guilty that he is hurting, the only person that makes feel, temporarily, better is you.

porridgeisbae · 01/08/2023 20:05

I would say steer clear of him. If he goes on about his mental health, say that you can't help him and he needs to speak to a professional.

Then don't message him or anything again. As PP's said, maybe say you are not going to message him again so he has a chance to get on with things and move on. Block.

As you keep messaging him, it doesn't allow his wound to start to heal at all.

GigiAnnna · 01/08/2023 20:08

You don't, you get on with your own life and leave him to get on with his.

Dombasle · 01/08/2023 20:22

Next time he messages or calls you, tell him that his being upset is doing neither of you may good and the best way to move on with your lives is to wish each other well and stop all contact.

If he disagrees then you have to be firm and tell him he's a drip.

monsteramunch · 01/08/2023 20:36

When you're heartbroken, the person who has broken up with you absolutely cannot be the person to help you get over it / them.

Kindest thing is no contact. Harder in the short term, much much kinder in the long term.

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