Partner's indecisiveness is driving me crazy

[afishcalledbreanda]

Name-change for this. Sorry it's long but there are necessary details.

I've always struggled with my partner's indecisiveness and FOMO. He's the kind of person who spends 30 minutes trying to choose from a menu and then regrets his choice and wants to change his order. Faced with booking a hotel or a holiday he goes into meltdown and ends up not booking at all. It drives me nuts but it's the worst thing about him, the rest is lovely.

Three weeks ago he was walking the dog in the local country park when he saw a man exposing himself to a female runner. My husband yelled and the man ran off. My husband got a photo of him as he ran away and recognised him as someone who works in a local pub. The woman who'd been flashed seemed less bothered by the incident than my husband and when he suggested they call the police she said she didn't want any hassle and ran off.

My husband spent the next fortnight talking about this incident and whether or not he should go to the police. He talked it over with everyone he knows — work colleagues, neighbours, friends, his family. I said I wanted him to report it but said that I'd support him whatever he decided, then tried to ignore the 'What should I do?' whine.

Eventually he phoned the police, told them what had happened and was told that it was an offence, they took it seriously and that he could choose their response. They could visit the man and interview him and he might end up in court and on the sex offenders' register or they could talk to him, see what he had to say and warn him that his name and details of what happened would be be recorded on file. Cue more anguish, hours more spent bending peoples' ear and repeated calls to the police to confirm that these were his only two options. Yesterday he decided to ask the police to have a phone conversation with the guy, which they did. He admitted the offence, was apologetic and embarrassed and understood that there was now a record of the incident which would remain attached to him name on police records. He said he wouldn't do it again. The police were satisfied with the outcome. My husband immediately decided he'd made the wrong decision and he wants the man charged and has now phoned the police three times to see if he can get the action changed.

For the third time he's come into the room where I'm working and wanted to go over the conversation we've already had 20 times over the last week or so. I've finally snapped and told him to let it go and he's shouted at me that I promised to support his decision and that I've let him down badly. It'll blow over and he'll wind down — but how could I have handled it differently/ better and does anyone else have a partner like him? How do you cope? He makes everything more stressful and complicated than it needs to be and he ropes everyone in.

I am alsoarried to a master procrastinator, all holidays are booked by me, choosing a different car put his blood pressure up so high he developed hives! It is now clear to us both that he is ASD. This makes it alot easier to understand the anxiety even if I still find it annoying at times! Reassurance helps, but ultimately indecision on his part will always be a part of him, I like to remind him that his indecision over a vasectomy doubled his family size (twins for third pregnancy) 😂.
Tbh surely Amy normal bloke wouldn't be revealing himself in that way in a park so in myind absolutely did the right thing reporting him. And the police are aware. And he isn't responsible for any further actions this flasher may or may not make.

I would have reported it and chosen the option, if given, for him to receive a warning and gave his details recorded so if he got caught again (his choice) this would trigger more severe penalties. I've been flashed at twice when I was a young woman and it's disgusting behaviour which made me wonder if I'd done anything to invite such disrespect. 🌹

Of course she was bothered! No woman feels neutral about a stranger flashing her. She just didn't want the hassle of going through the police process and probably thought there would be no point because she didn't realize that your DH could identify him did she?

How do we know the victim 'wasn't bothered'? Just because she didn't want the hassle of going to the police doesn't mean she doesn't care that she was flashed at.
The man is a self confessed sex offender . Statistically he has probably done this before and will probably do it again. These things are seldom a one off.

There is also a strong possibility of his behaviour escalating . If he was on the sex offenders register it would mean that he could not work with children or vulnerable adults. As it is he is not on the register though it does seem like he has accepted a caution which would hopefully show up on a DRB check.

Imho - your husband did the right thing.

This is really poor policing, it's not up to the witness what action police take!!!

I had a similar situation. In the UK. Police have me 2 options of how they could deal with the offender. It does happen.

Sad that your husband is concerned about ruining a self-confessed sex offenders life.
He should be worried that the flasher will go on to escalate or potentially rape. Deserves his life 'ruining' by being on a register, flashing isn't a silly accident or misunderstanding.

Dear OP I really feel for you
I have no practical ideas but I have a dh just like this and am closer to checking out of the marriage than I've ever been. Listening to all the chat and all the options and backwards and forwards is exhausting.

@KiltedKoala , my sympathies to you, too. I have to say that I've been close to walking out on a number of occasions.

After I posted here in the summer we had a number of talks where I've told him how infuriated, and used, I and other people feel when he slips into this state. I know he does it because the responsibility of making a decision seems unbearable, and that this goes back to being very harshly punished for making 'wrong' decisions when he was growing up, but it's agony for us both.

A friend of mine recommended a local counsellor and we saw her for four joint counselling sessions. The therapist suggested strategies for protecting myself from DH's anxiety and him strategies to help with his anxiety. She thought that he could benefit significantly from longer-term therapy but couldn't fit him in. She referred him to someone who specialises in anxiety and he's on the waiting list. We'll see if it makes any difference. If it doesn't then I'll want to see a therapist to help me decide whether I can continue with this.

Let me know how you get on. If you like. It is exhausting. DH has been suggested therapy before but is very reluctant. I really need to decide what I can live with longer term. I just still can't believe that I came on here last night intending to do my own post, and found yours.- It's both hideous and fabulous to know that other people are going through similar stuff.

You're a nicer woman than I am.

I'm also from a huge, poor family, so I do absolutely get the fear of one wrong decision being potentially disastrous, when resources are finite etc etc, but he needs to move past this. He's no longer the child of a big, poor family.

As the eldest of a similar family, and the eldest child of two dither-y indecisive parents who strongly resemble your husband (everything was mulled over, in terrible anxiety for weeks or months, advice was sought from the most unlikely people, and any decision was immediately regretted and bemoaned for ages), it is a terrible way to grow up, not just because no child should be that kind of protective confidante for their parents, but because it makes children afraid of acting. I had to really work in my teens and twenties on forcing myself not to follow my parents' path (all decisions are terrifying because you are then trapped by the decision you made, which will most likely be the wrong one). If you have children, your DP needs to have some therapy and deal with this tendency. I mean, he should deal with it anyway, for your sake and his own, but it is a spectacularly poor model for children of how adult life and decision-making works.

To this day, my mother regards menus as some kind of difficult riddle, and more or less tries to make the waiter decide what she should order. It's tiresome, but it was more than tiresome as a child. It was a horrible way to grow up, having adulthood modelled to me by two people who were terrified of the world, and basic decision-making.

Good, because I was also going to suggest you could benefit from therapy, too. It's a very, very difficult thing to live with up close over a long period.

You asked how you could have dealt with this differently and I think that's important for both of you! In this particular situation it seems that your DH is looking for reassurance that he made the right decision.

I fully understand how frustrating it is for you as my husband is similar! I would reassure him that he took time and effort to fully consider his options so he should trust himself that he made the right call. In many cases the police would act without giving him a choice so the fact that they allowed him to decide from a range of outcomes means there was no wrong option.

I'd also ask him to reflect on why this is stuck on his mind and what he needs to do to move forward. I know it sounds like a lot of work but this approach helps my husband let things go and a bit of effort saves the ongoing agonising!

@afishcalledbreanda

I appreciate that going over the same thing over and over is infuriating but I did just want to say that I think it’s great that your husband recognised the awful act and tried to help the lady runner. I think that is worth celebrating.

For the rumination I have survived by setting slots, outwith which I will not commit to discussing The Topic - basically time and date limits.

I'm glad to have been able to help in a slightly perverse way! DH is a good man (as evidenced, I think, from his response to the flasher) who struggles with this one issue. I thought he'd got better over the years, partly because I'd developed ways of managing decision-making. The flasher incident brought it all out in a big way, partly because he was given an impossible decision which ought to have been made by the police.

I think I get the worst of it because I'm his wife. I know he irritates other people with his anxiety but I think he manages it better with them. I get the brunt of it. One of the sessions we had focussed on his impact on me. I think he was surprised to realise how badly his anxiety affects me. He also talked about how bad he feels when, for my own self-preservation, I cut off from him.

If you want to post about your DH please do. I know that offloading about their behaviour is one of the options to make survival easier, so feel free. What form does your husband's anxiety take?

@HibernianHibernator OMG so much of this resonates with me. I can't identify anything specific in my ILs that has caused my DH to be that way but he is so similar to what you describe in terms of the fear of decision making. Sorry, @afishcalledbreanda I've jumped into your post and taken over. But it's so interesting and makes me feel more human.

This.

Also, it's no coincidence that this man chose to go to a country park to do this. He wanted a woman who was alone for a reason, and he knew there would be a few running or walking about at that time.

Flashing like this is often the first stage of escalating to doing sexual assault or rape at a later stage. There is a strong correlation between the two. They see if they can get away with flashing, see if they like it, and if they do, they then go on to do more.

It mattered little to him how terrifying this would have been for a lot of women. In fact, it's part of the trill I imagine, and that's why he's a danger that deserves more than just a talking to.

Your husband did the right thing by reporting, and was probably intimated thinking of having to go court as a witness possibly.

I think on something like this he does need support and a hand-hold, but when it comes to other types of indecisiveness, I'm not sure there's much you can do. It's an inherent personality trait of his and he might benefit from CBT or something.

@goodnessidontknow and @HelpMeUnpickThis , thank you both for your input.

Yes, one of my strategies, which I've stuck to more rigorously since the therapy sessions, is to give him a timed (with my phone) 10 minutes and then close the subject down. And we agreed that when we went out to eat he wouldn't look at the menu but he'd let me offer him a maximum of three things to choose from. That's worked well the last few times we've been out. It means that if his doesn't enjoy his meal he can blame me instead of himself.

Thank you for acknowledging that he did a good thing, HelpMe. His dad didn't treat his mum very well and as a result DH and his brothers are the kind of men who feel protective towards women and have a strong sense of justice. I was very proud of him for standing up for the runner and wanting to get involved. Admittedly that got chipped away by the maelstrom of anxiety that came afterwards...

I'm very indecisive though better than I used to be. Not in work, in personal decisions. I go into a lot of detail too. Does responsibility lay heavily on him?
I think it's up to the Police to decide what they should go so that seemed a bit of unfair pressure on your DH. That aside he does need help 😀 if it is interfering with his ability to make what you might think are normal decisions and what is underlying that - anxiety, feeling responsible, overwhelm, or lack of practice in trusting himself.
I'm very collaborative but that can tip into thinking about everyone rise and what they think/ would do😂

Therapy with a clinical psychologist would be able to look at it and suggest strategies

It does sound like your husband has very unhealthy, disordered thinking that is affecting his life and those around him adversely.

I wonder will he admit it? Does he truly believe it is a problem?

He’d have to see a professional but in addition a counsellor, I’d be wanting to speak to a psychologist/psychiatrist to find out if he suffers from anxiety and or depression, and if he has neurological differences such as adhd or asd.

The reason I ask about whether he thinks he’s got a problem is that I have worked with someone like this and something in your first post about him being good made me think of them.

For them it was combined with the desire to “be good” or “do good”, and an unspoken belief (on their part) that they have moral superiority because they care so deeply that they are taking such time to make the right decision.

The person then, although distressed by their indecisiveness, also believes it is right and a worthy burden. And doesn’t fully see the problem. When the truth is this indecisiveness can cause more harm than good.

I recognise some parts of your husband's behaviour in myself. If he's a data analyst, then he's probably used to dealing with black-and-white information, and struggles with real-life, messy thinking, where there is no definite right-or-wrong answer. I've learnt a few tricks that make decisions a bit easier (based, in part, on reading about the science of decision-making): when looking at a menu, go with your first gut instinct. Honestly, it's revolutonary. Also, the realisation that the awkward feeling of regret after making a decision eventually passes, and will soon be a distant memory. Also, to recognise that alot of the indecision comes from a good place (trying to do the right thing) so trying not to beat yourself up.

I do think that, with a bit of help and practice, it's possible for many people to work on these problems and develop new habits. Good luck!

Your husband did the right thing by reporting, and was probably intimated thinking of having to go court as a witness possibly.

He would have willingly gone to court. It never occurred to anyone, when they thought it through, that the flasher would admit to it. My DP had a photo of him running away but it didn't show him with his dick out. The flashee had run off too. It was just luck that DP got a good enough photo of the flasher fleeing to identify him.

I think the general consensus among the (many) people DP consulted was that the man wouldn't be prosecuted because there was no evidence. In the unlikely event it got to court he'd just say DP was mistaken. So it left the two less serious warning options and after talking several times to the police officers involved, he chose the option he did. The police were as astonished that the flasher confessed and apologised as everyone else. DP got the feeling that they felt he'd made a wrong call — which is what set off all the remorse and hand-wringing and attempts to get the flasher hauled in and charged. But apparently by that time, according to the police, it was too late to take it forward. If anyone had set out to design a series of events to drive DP round the bend with anxiety and guilt, this was close to perfect. He still worries that because he made the 'wrong' decision there's a sex offender at large. I (and the therapist) say no, there's a self-confessed sex offender known to the police because of DP's actions, but he still regards it as his responsibility for making a wrong call.

Read all my responses. You will find answers to your observations there.

Tell him to grow some balls ffs. He sounds weak.

But also, how on earth can the police leave it up to the witness to make the decision on how to deal with a crime?! Surely that’s entirely their job! Flashers can escalate, your partner shouldn’t be the one who gets to decide whether women get flashed at (or worse) in the future.