I've no one in real life to talk to about this, so I'm hoping to find some advice here.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8. I was 26 when we met, and quickly fell pregnant with our first baby. I've now had 5 babies in 10 years, the first 4 all being within the first 6 years of our relationship.
Early on, my husband made a brief, off the cuff comment that he wouldn't be interested in me if I was larger than a size 10. I brushed it off back then, and didn't really think much of it, I was a 10, and bounced back within weeks of giving birth.
Fast forward, and I'm now 40, raising the children and home educating them, and my husband works abroad, so 100% of everything is down to me. I have a limited diet due to an autoimmune disease, and although I don't eat a great deal, I struggle to find time to exercise, and am now a size 12. He recently came home after a stint away, and he's been acting very withdrawn, short and snappy with me and the children, and generally a bit down. I was worried he wasn't coping with work or something, but when I asked him what was going on, he said he wasn't happy because he thinks I've visibly put weight on and reiterated the comment from 15 years ago about leaving if I was bigger than a 10. I honestly didn't know what to say, and just replied that I'd have hoped I was worth more than my clothes size.
Now, I know I'll get the usual comments of well, is he some sort of adonis then? And the answer is actually, yes. He is obsessed with fitness and nutrition, I believe to an unhealthy extent. But he is very fit, muscular and eats very healthily, gyms once or twice a day, constantly reading about fitness and the best food. He's 46 and I believe having some sort of mid life issues, as he's said some concerning things these past few weeks. He's also said he's unhappy with how I feed the children, when their diets are generally healthy, always a home cooked from scratch dinner, though they do have one or two snacks a day. He doesn't want them having anything other than meat and fresh fruit and veg, and even the fruit is a problem because of the sugar. One of our children is autistic, and has a limited diet of things he's happy to eat, but my husband wants to me not to give him his safe foods, and instead said he'd be happier if he just had steak 3 times a day.
I just don't know where to go from here. I do fitness when I can, but life gets in the way, and I can't do anything outside of the home as I have no one to have the children for me. He's becoming far too over the top with his opinions on food, and I don't want the children ending up with bad relationships with food because of him pushing his views on them. He's made me feel utterly rubbish about myself, which is something I struggle with internally, without the added pressure of someone who is meant to be my love and support.
What do I do? What do I say? He says he feels like an irrelevant parent as I don't do the things he wants me to do, but he's not here, and so I try to find a balance for everyone.