Any thoughts on this. Please advise - sex related.

[TedLostHisVoice]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He's a genuinely decent man and the relationship is actually perfect except for one thing. Sex.

When we first got together, we saw each other 2 or 3 times a week and had sex every time. During a daft, lighthearted conversation about sex, he told me that, during the weeks we only saw each other twice, he often missed me and thought about me and had a wank. I didn't have any doubts at all that he fancied me.

He didn't have any problems getting or maintaining an erection but would occasionally not finish if he'd not had enough recovery time. He was always very thoughtful as far as I was concerned. He would get an erection from us just kissing or being in bed together or cuddling. It didn't always lead to sex and he had no expectation that it would.

Around the start of this year, we started spending more time together, around 4 nights a week and I noticed that the sex was slowing down. On occasion, he seemed to be actively avoiding it. He told me that It was due to his age (late 50s) which was fine and that he sometimes found he lost his erection. It happens and it wasn't a problem. We worked around it. It didn't affect anything.

However, over the last couple of months, it's dropped even more. Once a week, once every 10 days, once a fortnight, once every 3 weeks...

During the 3 week period, I had a few very heavy weeks at work so I thought he was just being respectful of that but I also noticed that he'd stopped getting erections when we kissed or were in bed together or cuddling too. He's still very affectionate and tells me that I'm beautiful etc but when he spoons me now, quite often the duvet is squished between us so he's not even close to me anymore. The bottom line is that I feel that he's avoiding sex with me.

When I realised that it had been three weeks, I initiated sex because I thought maybe he'd been laying off due to my busy work period and that had come to an end. We did but he didn't seem all that fussed. I don't know. It felt a bit lack lustre and as though he was doing it for me rather than because he wanted to too.

So what's changed? Well over the last couple of months (when the change became noticeable) I've lost about a stone and a half. I went from a size 14/16 to a 10/12. I look much better for it but I've also lost some of the volume in my breasts. I've wondered if that's contributed to it? My shape otherwise is no different, there's just less of me now! I just feel maybe I'm less attractive to him now. And I wouldn't blame him for that - people are attracted to what they're attracted to physically. I can't help the smaller boobs - he can't help.whether he finds me physically/sexually attractive or not.

What else? Well I've wondered if he's just not having the sort of sex he wants to have with me. Now, that would be on him to say something. I obviously asked him in the early days what he liked but he was a bit vague so i stopped. I'm happy to guide etc so I always have a good experience! Maybe he doesn't?

I just feel unattractive, undesirable and unfanciable now. It's been two weeks since we had sex and I've noticed he cuddles up to me less in bed now - maybe he's worried I'll assume sex is on the cards if he does? He's started bringing a book to bed now which he's not done before. Or scrolling through his phone.

I just don't see how he could have gone from sex 2-3 times a week plus a wank or two to nothing. I can only imagine that it's just that he has no desire for me anymore. Maybe he's just wanking. But it would be over other women because I'm right there.

It’s not you. He needs a physical check up and possibly replacement T therapy. Maybe couples counselling if it turns out to be performance anxiety.
I repeat, it’s not you.

Thanks. But I'm not sure its not me!

Not that there's something wrong with me but that he just doesn't fancy me anymore.

It happens. It's not the end of the world. But it happens.

I don't really know how to bring it up with him either. At the moment, we've just fallen into a pattern of avoiding it. He goes to bed with a book and I lie on my side facing away from him. We get on really well- brilliantly in fact. But injust don't think he fancies me anymore.

Posted by accident when I tried to edit the last line!

I know he loves me But I just don't think he fancies me anymore.

Oh lovely, it’s not you at all! You really need to talk to each other. My DP is nearly 70, we generally make love every day or every other day but occasionally it’s nearly a week and that’s okay as we are tactile and intimate with cuddles and we kiss and stroke just as part of going to sleep: I always feel desired and beautiful even without intercourse and I know he does too. We talk! He sometimes can’t get as hard as years ago, but we work round that with positions, neither of us are interested in blue pills. But the talking is vital.

Neither of you are mind-readers, you do need to talk. Would it be easier outside the bedroom, maybe holding hands on a walk so close but not looking at each other?

We always kiss before falling asleep and he often strokes my back until I sleep too. That's what I mean, the affection is there but he just doesn't seem to desire me sexually any more.

Could he be feeling guilty about something? Random shot in the dark, but do you know his sexual health history?

That would be easier. It's just finding the words. I don't want to sound like I'm accusing him. If it was a physical/age thing on his part, I wouldn't end the relationship over it but you're right, neither ofnus are mindreaders and, at the moment, I can just feel a gulf opening up and I don't want it to get too great.

I had a long term sexless relationship when I was younger. We were together for the wrong reasons and just didn't fancy each other. I know how I work. If it's off the table I just won't have any sexual desire at all. Having sex once a month or less would feel very odd to me.

I felt like sex on Sunday afternoon but didn't say anything to him because I'm worried he's just put off by the thought of me in that way now

No sexual health concerns.

He could be feeling guilty. I don't live in his head so who knows. He spends a lot of time on his phone but when I see it, it's just games or Facebook. I've not seen anything to rouse suspicion and I wouldn't check it.

He leaves his phone lying around, I've known his passcode right from the start and he often gives it to me to choose music for the car.

If he's doing anything to feel guilty about, he either trusts me implicitly or hides it well.

I don't think he'd be seeing anyone else. I've known him a long time and it's not his style. I couldn't rule out inappropriate contact with someone else online, i suppose, because it's not impossible! Plenty of men do it.

I'm quite pragmatic about these things.

If he doesn't fancy me anymore that's OK. If he's had his head turned elsewhere, we'll it wouldn't be great! But it's not going to kill me.

The uncertainty and feeling shit about myself is very hard though.

You need to ask him if he prefers you with more weight on, but I doubt it's anything to do with you. Isn't it natural for "the urge" to wear off after a while together? We were at it like rabbits for the first year or so, now it's once in a blue moon. That just seems normal to me.

Could he have had a flare up of HPV or something like that?

That might be how I need to open up the conversation maybe. Feels weird though. It's not like I'm skinny now there's still plenty of cushioning! And I really don't think he's going to come out and say my boobs aren't big enough anymore! That would make him a proper dickhead. But it wouldn't mean he's not thinking it.

Plenty of couples who've been together for years still have sex a few times a week. They might go through periods where its less but not for it to just dwindle and then fall off a cliff within a few months.

I still see him naked. Theres no sign of anything physical at all.

If it were anything you were doing or responsible for he'd still be getting hard and you'd still be having sex but you wouldn't feel so loved and cared for. There are all sorts of reasons why this may be happening. The first place to go to work out what is your GP

Late 50's. Prostate could be growing and that affects libido and function. You would never now. He wouldn't either of course. It's a long silent disease with a huge spread.

I think maybe he was using viagra or cialis etc when you first got together? Perhaps now you're together more he feels less need to perform or is embarrassed to explain/schedule it with you. I guess when you were dating 2 years ago and he only saw you 2 nights a week, I imagine it would have been pretty easy to schedule when to take it then. It could have been that. Maybe have a chat with him about it. The only person who can answer this for you is him, he might just have less libido as the relationship has gone on.

Thanks. I know you're right about talking to him. I just have no idea how to bring it up.

We went out last night. It wasn't a late one - we went for something to eat, saw some live music and had a really nice evening. We had to leave at 10 so we were back home and in bed early. He got into bed and started scrolling through fb. I was almost asleep when he put his phone down. He cuddled up behind me but that was all.

I just think that if he wanted to have sex with me or liked having sex with me he'd be proactive in sorting it out? I doubt he's stopped fancying all women.

So whilst I can see it might be age related in it's origin, if he found me sexually attractive, he'd want to do something about it. The only time I've not been interested in sex in a relationship was when I just wasn't attracted to them anymore.

So I understand why people are saying it's him and not me but it must be me to a certain extent. I mean, would he still be disinterested if he was presented with a hot, sexy woman he really fancied? I doubt it.

And I've read enough threads on here by women who've assumed or accepted that their partners have a low libido to find out that wasn't the case and they just weren't attracted to then anymore to know not to just take that at face value.

I just don't know how to bring it up. Or what angle to take. Or even whether he'd be honest and tell me outright he was no longer attracted to me in that way. I mean, that's a pretty big thing to admit. I'd rather just know.

You're just going to have to bite the bullet and start a conversation. Maybe just start with your observation, 'our sex life has slowed down a bit' and how it makes you feel 'I miss the intimacy and I'm worried that you aren't as attracted to me as you used to be' and ask him how he feels at the moment?

There's so much it could be besides him not fancying you, medical/ physical issues, stress, lack of energy, complacency, laziness, an unexplored need. Don't just let it fade without trying to find out what, the longer it goes the more difficult it is to start the conversation and get back on track.

I know.

The thing is, I don't have a great history sex wise.

I was a fairly late bloomer, didn't really have relationships for various reasons, then I was raped, then I tried to get over that with a few meaningless and crap one night stands (I was young and didnt know any better), then I got into a relationship that was fairly long distance for most of it so still didn't have much sex, then I was in a sexless relationship for 12 years, then I dated a bit but lost interest in them quickly and a lot of the men were just roll on/roll off and didnt seem interested in much else, then I was single for a long time and then I met him.

So I don't have a huge sexual repertoire from which to draw things to try. I've tried asking him what he likes but he seemed uncomfortable saying (I don't know if that was lack of confidence on his part - but I doubt it - he's had a couple of very long term relationships or whether it was stuff he didn't feel comfortable saying to me so early on), he hasn't given me any feedback on what has worked for him or what he'd like me to do differently.

I have very little confidence sexually and this hasn't helped.

Which is why I feel so uncomfortable bringing it up too. I think the answer is he just doesn't find me sexually appealing or I just don't do it for him. I don't think he'd want to risk hurting my feelings or pushing me away because he loves me and wants to be with me. Maybe he's just decided that he's had enough fantastic sex in the past to not bother with it at all now. Maybe he'd rather go without than make the effort for sex he doesn't enjoy. Maybe he feels I don't make enough of an effort.

Look you need to stop dwelling on the fact that you think it's you not being attractive and ask him. You're tying yourself in knots and coming up with a reason which may not be the real reason.

Why not initiate sex with him, he may feel that you're happy with the frequency of sex and from the sounds of it lacks the confidence to initiate it himself after the dry spell from the busy time you had.

You won't know what the answer is until you get it from him.

I did initiate it after the dry spell/busy work period. We had sex but it was short and perfunctory and he didn't seem that into it.

I suppose it was a bit 'oh, is that it?' I just decided to let him initiate it in future.

I know I have to bring it up but it's finding the right words and time. And I suppose I'm also a bit scared of hearing what he'll say.

But you're right. I won't know the answer until I've spoken to him.

Maybe you could write down what you want to say to him and give him the letter instead @TedLostHisVoice? It might sound a bit cheesy but it sounds like neither of you are entirely confident communicating about sex so this might be easier for you both? Tell him what you've told us and how it's making you feel and go from there.

Thanks. Maybe that would be a way to go.

I think I'm wary about framing it as an ED/age issue if the problem is how he feels about me. But I'm equally wary of making it all about me if he's struggling with ED concerns.

He's affectionate - holds my hand, hugs, kisses me, strokes my back in bed etc but just doesn't have any interest in me sexually anymore.

When I think back to this time last year, it was so different. Not wildly adventurous but we did massages etc and it was fun. We don't even really flirt anymore. And I'd feel stupid doing it.

There's lots of love and affection and intimacy. Just no sex.