Am I being unreasonable?

[Michiemich]

Hi all. I’d appreciate your thoughts and opinions here. I’ll try to be quick.

I’m in a relatively new relationship (7 months), so far, so good - except he lives 2 hours away and we can’t see each other regularly because of his quite full on work/child/holiday commitments.. he’s also planning to relocate to Ireland in 2 years once he’s finished this job (he’s working hard now to pay for and finish his house there). It’s not ideal, especially when things are tough but because it’s a good relationship otherwise I’m willing to compromise.

I feel like there’s a lot of compromise from me to accommodate him, and sometimes it’s hard, like recently I lost my sister and after her funeral I was very down for a few days and he went away on holiday with his daughter.. the timing isn’t his fault but still

Recently he told me that he’s planning on taking time off work and going to Australia for 3.5 weeks to visit his relatives, and he asked me to come which was nice of him. I explained that I probably wouldn’t be able to because I can’t leave my daughter alone for that amount of time and that I wouldn’t really want to either… and his response was “oh that’s a shame that you can’t come.. it’s actually perfect timing for me because my sister will be there too”. He also said I’d have to put up with seeing him less over winter so he could work more to fund it.

They’re was no talk of compromise on his part when I had a commitment (to my daughter), no talk of him not going, or us maybe going away together alone or maybe with our kids.

I guess it hurts because his time off is very precious and rare and he’s planning on using it to go away without me for three weeks when I already don’t see him for 2-3-4 weeks at a time. And I guess it hurts that it’s apparently just me that has to fit into his life otherwise it’s just tough and I have to lump it.

I don’t want to “stop” him going or have him stay here under duress and feel like he’s missing out. I suppose I wanted him to not want to go. Am I being unreasonable or high maintenance?

thanks

I don't think he can you what you want in terms of how often you see each other. Also if he's moving to Ireland in 2 years where would that lave you?

Sounds like a very casual relationship that's not viable for the long term.

So sorry about your sister. 💐

You want different things. You want him to prioritise you above other things in his life, and he doesn't want to do that. I think you are expecting far too much of someone who has a busy life and lots of other things going on which are more important to them than a relationship

Yeah he's been very straight with you. He likes spending time with you but he isn't going to build his life around you...far from it.

It will run its course. Sorry but he can take or leave you because a relationship isn't his priority.

It doesn't sound to me like he is asking you to fit his life though. He's just doing what he would usually do, and is including you where possible. He invited you to go! I don't think it's reasonable to be expecting someone else to drop their existing commitments and family activities or rearrange work to suit you, especially when you've only be dating for 7 months!! That sounds stifling, the expectation that he should factor you into any decision he is making, when you still barely know each other. I actually think it was a big deal that he offered for you to go on the Australia trip and it's not his fault that you can't.

It sounds like he has a busy life which is a good thing, and he is still fitting you into that where he can. I also don't understand what you think you are doing to "compromise" and "fit in with him" that he isn't doing? Has he asked you to reschedule things with friends and family to suit him, like you are expecting of him?

It doesn’t sound like it’s a relationship that’s going to be anything serious so if that’s what you want then you should walk away really

Well I’ve compromised a lot because I don’t see him very much and I have rearranged things to see him. We’ve talked about marriage eventually and the plan was for us both to move back to Ireland together.

Wow. After only 7 months? This would make me very wary, to be talking about marriage and moving countries after such a short time.

Did he ask you to rearrange things to see him? Or did you just decide to do that?

You seemvto be designing your life and future plans around somebody you still hardly know still. I think you need to slow down!

Jeez everyone is very spiky on here. No i did it because I wanted to see him and not because he asked me to do. Which is how it should be.
I’m not designing anything around him, I have a full and happy life here but we have obviously discussed the future, we’ve been forced to because he’s leaving the country.

Yes you’re being unreasonable. Seven months in with not very often get togethers and you want him to not go see his family in Australia but go on hold with you instead.

I don’t understand why you can’t see this is not reasonable?

Okay thanks everyone. Appreciate your feedback, I’m obviously being unreasonable and probably over emotional given my circumstances. I don’t quite understand why people have to put their point across in such a mean way. Thanks again

Yes you’re being incredibly unreasonable. A perfect relationship to me is one where nobody has to curtail their dreams and freedom, but your lives fit around and complement each other. I have a serious live-in partner but I’d like to travel round Australia for 3 months - he can’t come, I’m still planning to go. He’s applying for a job in Denmark, I’m not sure if I want to move there. I’ve done nothing but encourage him to go for it! If he gets it we’ll work around it. That to me is how a relationship should be. My priority in life will always be my own dreams and aims and a relationship has to bend around that. Doesn’t mean I love him any less.

You're a new girlfriend and you want him to give up on a chance to visit his own family in Oz just because you can't go. That's really rather selfish.

Ah @Michiemich the vipers are out in force as usual. Just remember these people would never have the courage to say what they say face to face.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister and yes you must be feeling terribly vulnerable and lonely. Especially if you were really close.

I think it's huge thing he's asked you to go on holiday with him to Australia, but sadly you can't manage to go with him. May I gently point out, expecting him to rearrange a once in a life time opportunity to see his family in Australia to go on holiday with you and your daughter, just isn't reasonable. You've only been together 7 months.

It sounds like this relationship has got wings. So just take it nice and slowly and grieve your sister.

All the best OP

Sorry OP, I didn't intend to sound mean! I was just trying to understand the situation. It's still such early days, it all seems very full on.

And also very sorry about your sister.

Thanks everyone. I guess I’m not quite in my right mind and was looking for guidance before I said anything to him. I’m not expecting him to give up anything for me. I was just wondering if my feelings were valid I suppose. Thanks

“I'm so sorry to hear about your sister and yes you must be feeling terribly vulnerable and lonely. Especially if you were really close.

I think it's huge thing he's asked you to go on holiday with him to Australia, but sadly you can't manage to go with him. May I gently point out, expecting him to rearrange a once in a life time opportunity to see his family in Australia to go on holiday with you and your daughter, just isn't reasonable. You've only been together 7 months.

It sounds like this relationship has got wings. So just take it nice and slowly and grieve your sister.”

This.