Yelling spouse-any advise?

[dazdaz2]

My sister's partner has a quick temper and yells at her. Its never physical but is abusive and cruel. The trigger can be trivial -a query about shopping or what time something needs to be picked up, etc. This is often followed by an apology and acting as if nothing happened the next day. My sister feels she is walking on egg shells all the time and you can see the strain and brokenness in her face.

They've been together for 15 years and the yelling started about 5 years ago. Yelling is not something new to him. He used to yell at his parents, his siblings, and then compensates for his behaviour generously with an apology and gifts. His road rage is appalling, a risk to both himself and others.

When he is not yelling and being abusive, he is the most generous, thoughtful and helpful man ever. Does a thousand small acts of kindness without people even knowing. Is always ready to give my sister a lift or share chores. Does the school run and helps kids with homework daily.

He has gone to anger management sessions on my sister's insistence to little avail. Has been to psychiatrists again with no result. Its always the sudden, furious, intimidating outbursts of abuse followed by acting like nothing happened. Sometimes it is sneering and humiliating that is done in front of people, that is mortifying.

My sister is deeply unhappy and wants to leave but has not worked in 15 years. She can find some employment but is worried about leaving especially as the children adore the dad. She has lost all self esteem and confidence and is a shadow of herself.

Any advise?

Sounds like my FIL.
It sounds dreadful.
How old are the children? Unless the kids are babies then they see what he is doing and they do NOT adore him. They are trying desperately to keep him calm and on side.
My DH is a product of a bully like this (though without any fake apologies) and he sometimes shouts and is very stressed and anxious at certain triggers. This is the future for children from homes where there is aggression constantly. And there must be make no mistake.
Your sister needs to get a job (this will make her feel more positive as she is making a defined step towards the door and it’s important for her to have her own finances) and she needs to start planning.
she can’t and shouldn’t stay with a man who emotionally harms her children as well as her. And he is.

How old are the kids? Has she thought about how growing up in this environment is going to affect them? It's going to go one of two ways - they're going to have the same kind of misery and trauma she does, or they'll become horrible bullies themselves. If she really is worried about them and their happiness, getting them away from his daily influence is the best thing she can do for them.

I got away from my foul tempered, nasty ex 7 years ago now and I still catch glimpses of him in my kids when they're upset. I wish I could put into words the guilt and pain I feel at not acting earlier - your sister would be out the door in a flash.

Is it to everyone or mostly women?

She should leave- the kids will thank her.