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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD, no contact

17 replies

Sundayfunday5 · 31/07/2023 22:49

I’ve name changed for this, and have previously posted about the actual situation so information will be limited, sorry. I need to try and keep this from being outing though.

DD is 19, and due to her allegiance with her father over a situation, which is not my doing, she has chosen to go no contact with me.
This has gone on for two months now.

We have gone from having multiple contacts, in the form of seeing each other, telephone calls and messages, to nothing. I text her daily to just keep the line of contact open for her.

I’m struggling so much. I feel as though I’m going through some kind of grieving process for someone who is still alive. It’s all I can think about. I’m still working and need to continue to do so for my sanity.
I’ve been dreaming about her, I just miss her so much.

I know the usual questions will be asked, but please know that this situation is not my doing. Her father and his family are so toxic, and she is choosing to take on board what they are telling her. They twist everything. I know there are two sides, but please be kind.
Don’t know really what I’m expecting, just needed to write it all down.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 31/07/2023 23:17

Oh op this is horrible. I'm so sorry for you.
I don't really have any advice, just hold onto hope that she will come back to you eventually. You've done nothing wrong, she will see through him eventually.

Original poster

Sundayfunday5 · 01/08/2023 07:07

Thank you @purpleboy. I know that is all I can do.
I’ve thought about asking one of my family to talk to her, to give her some balance. I don’t know how that will be received though and don’t want to make this any worse.

OP posts:

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 07:11

I'm sorry OP as this must be very difficult for you.

Unfortunately as she is an adult she can associate with whoever she likes. I'm afraid you can't control the narrative either.

If his family are as "toxic" as you say she will realise that sooner or later.

Gobimanchurian · 01/08/2023 07:11

That's gut wrenching awful OP. My heart breaks for you. I would ask someone neutral who she trusts to intervene and talk to her before it rolls on too much longer. Or write her a letter. Or ask her to meet you at x time/date and you'll be there waiting and hope she comes. No siblings I take it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2023 07:12

Stop texting her daily, such an action will not further endear you to her if she has decided to have no contact with you. Leave her be.

Anothernamethesamegame · 01/08/2023 07:13

Oh op that’s so hard.
Im
not sure what else you can do. Keep lines of communication open with her…don’t be too intense or OTT in the messages and hope she realises for herself how toxic her fathers family are.

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 07:14

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2023 07:12

Stop texting her daily, such an action will not further endear you to her if she has decided to have no contact with you. Leave her be.

I agree.

In her present frame of mind she could construe it as "harassment". Just let things be.

Dukeydo · 01/08/2023 07:25

Do you have any evidence to back up your side?

My ex said some vile things, I have his apology letters, I have photos etc all boxed up in the garage. This is my ‘evidence box’ - emails asking and begging me to have a termination.

I will say this, I know one person in a similiar situation - she lasted 12 months of NC then turned up back home one day as the lies with father had contradicted himself repeatedly and she’s suddenly spotted a pattern.

Personally I would send her a text saying ‘I’m here. I respect your choice. I’m sorry that you aren’t able right now to talk to me and let me listen about how you feel. I’m happy to respect your choice and also happy for you to speak to auntie Jane and uncle Peter or other family members if you want to - I also have documents and texts that you are welcome to view with or without me - to help your understanding.

Im here to listen to you, when you are ready. I love you and I respect your wishes not to talk, I accept this - you are an adult. But I’m here if you need me or want to talk.

and then leave it….

Coffeeandanap · 01/08/2023 07:48

I’m so sorry & can’t imagine your pain. I really hope and believe that she will come back to you. I went NC with my biological dad for very valid reasons that were of nobody’s else’s doing but his. I still went back to him eventually because I didn’t want bad blood and realised life is too short. She’ll find her way back to you ❤️

mindutopia · 01/08/2023 09:31

Has she talked to you about why she isn't speaking with you? Or has she just gone silent?

Speaking as a daughter who is NC with her mum, I would get in touch to ask her if she would like to meet up to discuss things, either just the two of you, or with a close family member she trusts, or even if she wants to talk with a neutral third party, like a family therapist (you can better gauge what would be comfortable for her and fitting for the situation). Then I'd let her know that you love her and are there for her and that you'll check in with her periodically because you want to make sure she's okay. I would NOT be contacting her every day. If she doesn't want to speak with you, then I'd respect that.

Now my situation is quite a bit different probably, though my mum may not see it that way. But the reason I am NC with my mum is very well known by her (though she may be in denial and mostly think it's something I've concocted out of thin air - it's not, I have the court records to prove it) and it's very clear I don't want to speak to her again and have asked her never to contact me. It doesn't stop her though and it's really unnerving and it only reinforces my belief that I definitely want nothing to do with her every time she does.

This is why I'd say not to constantly keep messaging her. If she doesn't want to speak with you, trust her and respect that. You might think the reason is because she is being manipulated (and that may well be the case). But pushing and pushing isn't going to fix it and it may well reinforce what she already believes. Just let her know that you're there for her whenever she needs you, and to reach out when she's ready, and then when she does reach out, be ready to do what you need to do to be there for her and support her. Don't make it conditional on other things. Don't make it inconvenient for her. Don't make plans and then cancel them, etc. Just be there for her when she's ready.

funtimes1987 · 01/08/2023 11:06

Tell her you miss her terribly and that you will always be there for her when she needs anything. Then stop texting. This is a tough time for you to go through but it won't last forever.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2023 11:26

I am non contact with my mother. She would claim she doesn't know why.

There have been times I would have been open to meeting somewhere impartial and I once raised the idea of counselling.

However this did not happen.

She emails me from time to time. I used to have a physical reaction to it. Now I can just read an move on. In fact I replied thanks to one the other day. She probably thinks it's over nothing buy please respect her and if there is an opportunity to meet together with a therapist and talk together. But don't push her.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2023 11:27

Good advice @Coffeeandanap :)non contact is hard especially when people claim not to know why.

Hbh17 · 01/08/2023 11:32

Please stop texting her, OP, because that will just make her feel worse. She knows where you are if and when she wants to speak to you. For now, she needs the space.

Softoprider · 01/08/2023 11:38

Op Are you the parents who is funding her through UNI ? If so, why are you still paying for her ? Let her father take up the slack and see how long that lasts.

Original poster

Sundayfunday5 · 01/08/2023 18:30

@Dukeydo yes, I have messages, screenshots of some of the messages also.
I’ve always protected her feelings, never spoken badly about her father in front of her. He has not been bothered about her feelings, and has certainly not extended the same courtesy to me.

He and his family have and are continuing to use her distress over the situation as an opportunity to get at me.
Historically, she has been very unwell, he never believed she was ill. That was the final
straw for me and ended the marriage at that time.

For those saying about me texting her, I don’t send anything that invites a conversation, it’s literally the usual sentence I send morning and night.
I’m just conscious of the possibility of her not feeling like she can come and start a conversation if there has been no contact from me.
I’ll think about sending a message as suggested by @mindutopia. Thank
you for all the opinions on this.

@Iguessyourestuckwithme, I absolutely do know why she has chosen to
cut contact, I’ve never claimed not to know.

@Softoprider no, I’m not that poster.

OP posts:

Coffeeandanap · 01/08/2023 22:36

I think keeping the contact open is a good idea, if you don’t it’s possible she finds it really difficult to reach out to you in the future. If you keep that line of communication open it makes it easier for her to open up again & also reassures her that you love and care for her.

Flip