Husband has no motivation

[Pineapples198]

I’m reaching the end of my tether and cant help my husband as he won’t let himself be helped!

my husband is a self employed driving instructor. He quit a decently paid job in hotel management in 2019 due to stress and ridiculous hours. It was my idea, enabling him to pursue this new career. Due to covid he ended up without a job for 21 months. When he started I expected it to be slow to begin with then pick up and increase. It just hasn’t. I hear everywhere about instructors with waiting lists and he works about 12-16 hours a week. As an observer, I think this is down to him.

• he doesn’t advertise. Anywhere. At all. Just his branding on his car
• He ignores or doesn’t notice new enquiries in his emails or texts for days at a time. Takes him several days to respond to them
• when responding he answers the specific question they asked and not much more. Doesn’t sell himself. Doesn’t follow up a few days later. Doesn’t offer to call.
• Doesn’t want to work evenings or weekends. We compromised a while ago that he would work Saturdays because evenings and weekends is where the demand is. For a while he had 3 back to back lessons Saturdays. Now has 1 and hasn’t filled the spaces.

I have made suggestions for advertising, advertised for him on Nextdoor and Facebook, joined him into Facebook driving groups, offered to keep an eye on his emails and let him know when new ones come in, responded to his Facebook enquiries, responded to the Nextdoor enquiries, offered to print leaflets. In response I get negative comments about how I am always criticising or nagging him to do better. We’ve had many a chat where I explain this isn’t the case, we simply cannot long term support our family on 14 hours a week, I offer more suggestions, I offer more help. Usually he shuts me down by saying “yeah” then not engaging further. Tonight I kept pushing and he said he is worried he is bad at the job because pupils fail their tests. We looked up stats and found 35% pass rate round us so actually his rate is really good. I’ve suggested he undergo any training he feels he needs to improve if it would improve his confidence - he shut that down saying it would cost too much. All suggestions get shut down. Leaflets are ineffective, he doesn’t know when he gets emails, he doesn’t want his email alerts on, he doesn’t like the idea of approaching shop owners to display posters, he doesn’t want to ask in the driving instructor WhatsApp group where other people advertise, he is very busy “cooking dinner” so can’t always reply to people (at this I had to comment “you weren’t cooking dinner for 3 days!”),

he’s now saying he is really worried about the autumn as 3 of his 10 students on the books are due to pass and leave. I again suggested advertising to be met with a heavy sigh and a yeah maybe.

I feel like I’m at my wits end with it. He earned £7k last year! We’ve just spent £12k on a new car for him, added dual controls and branding another £1k. I traded MY car in to allow him to do this, and now have his old instructing car. I have supported us now for 4 years and have had to up my contract to more hours to continue to do so. I feel like he just doesn’t have any motivation to push his business forward.

what can I do?? I have bent over backwards to support his choice and he doesn’t seem to care whether it sinks or swims.

Give him the options.

1. He puts in the effort to make his business work.
2. He packs it in and goes back to an employed position
3. you leave him and he can do what he likes.

There is no fourth option where he expects you to earn the money to support everyone while he potters around doing the odd hour here or there. He wants a family life then he’ll have to step up. If he wants to do whatever he likes he needs to be single then he can be selfish and not affect other people.

I have ronsay I agree with the PP..but it does sound like something more is going on. Is he maybe depressed?

I've been trying to get just one instructor to take my DD on and no one even replies so there is lots of demand! What area are you in?

We are In North Manchester. There is an awful lot of instructors around here, so I think there is more competition than is less urban areas. However he usually converts what enquiries he does get without too much effort. It’s more the volume (or lack of) of enquiries coming in that’s Concerning

He doesn’t seem depressed generally. His mood is good about everything else. Seems he is just apathetic about this. I actually asked him last night if he hated it and wanted another job - that’s when he said he doesn’t feel like he’s very good at it. After a bit of digging he feels he is a slow teacher, as in they need lots of hours. Hence me suggesting further training / online courses etc. I also suggested that he put together a simple curriculum and timeline - eg after 10 lessons I would expect them to know x and y. After 15 I would expect them to be confident in all these areas. So he can see if they are on track then can adjust teaching speed accordingly for pupils who pick things up quickly and those who don’t. He agreed with me, but the problem is he agrees to my suggestions then doesn’t do anything about it. I plan to give it a month then say it’s been a month now, what have you implemented since we last discussed this.
Id be happy for him to get another job but the difficulty is he needs to be available to take and collect our children from school. I used to do this as I was self employed myself but I got an employed job last November as he was around. I would have to find childcare for him to get an employed position. Unless we struggle on for a few more years until the children can sort themselves to school (they are 8 and 10 but 8 acts younger and is autistic)

It sounds like he might be regretting his decision on some level. He's gone from a very sociable job to pure isolation, that can't have been easy. I don't actually think that many people have the discipline to be self employed to boot, and it doesn't sound like he's one of them either.

Tell him you need to have a serious chat at x time or on X day to give him some time, don't just jump in with "nagging" or an argument as this is obviously not working and he's completely disengaged.

Start off asking him how he thinks it's going, if he's happy etc. Tell him about the impact it's having on you. Ask what he is going to do going forward because you working around the clock is unsustainable. I do like PP's list of suggestions but I think you need to put the onus on him to sort this out. I'm sure he's not stupid and knows that he needs to make an effort or find a job, but generally people don't like being told what to do.

And fgs don't volunteer to be his free secretary, you do enough as it is.

Oh, I just saw your update.

Honestly, stop trying to help him so much. He's obviously just agreeing with what you say to get you off his back.

Do you think he just likes being a stay at home dad? If so you could formalise that so that he does the housework, cooking and childcare and you're the breadwinner - if this is also what you want, of course.

Otherwise I'd approach this as a shortfall in income issue and tell him he needs to contribute more to the household.

Has he not done an instructor course?

One of the most draining things in a relationship is trying to motivate someone who wants something but is not willing to put the work in to get it.

I eventually divorced one of those people. However, in my case the impact financially was nowhere near as bad as what you're going through.

He was a SAHD for 2 years over covid and honestly it was really good for our family. Especially after years of never seeing him due to hotel work. But I don’t earn enough to support us all as I work in a school office. We do qualify for a bit of universal credit every month due to low incomes but this would stop if he stopped working, due to our youngest being 8 they expect one of us to work full time and one part time (25 hours) I don’t think we could manage with no income whatsoever from him. Also with the age of the children I don’t think him being a SAHD is needed or sensible, they are out 30 hours a week at school.

Yes he did the full course, then worked as a trainee driving instructor for almost a year then passed his part 3 and is now an ADI (fully qualified). He is a very patient and clear teacher, explains things well in a way people can understand, is supportive and engages all the students in setting their own targets and things. He’s well suited to the job but seems to be having a confidence issue with it.

He doesn't want to work more hours. He likes things the way they are . He’s not going to change.

If you want things to be different then you need to do something different . Personally Id be divorcing him. Your kids are older now and you could get a better paid job ie not in a school, with longer hours .

You're enabling him, I'm afraid, OP - I agree that you might just need to let him fall on his arse.

I've worked in a similar kind of job to him, and a lot of jobs com through word of mouth. That expands exponentially, i.e. you have 3 customers at first, they each tell 3 people so you have 9 new customers, they each tell 3 people so you have 27 more customers, etc. So it can be slow initially and then snowball. But if he's not coming across well in the car then the word of mouth won't be working. Lack of confidence would be a vicious circle in that case. And it sounds like his automatic response is to freeze. He could look into that in therapy. But he would need to be the one looking into it and trying to solve his problem.

He doesn't want to work more hours. He likes things the way they are . He’s not going to change.

It’s this simple really^ forget about all the talks you have with him and him responding with ‘yeah.’ Just look at his actions. He literally doesn’t want to work more hours otherwise he’d have done so by now

I plan to give it a month then say it’s been a month now, what have you implemented since we last discussed this.
The more you take on the role of knowledgeable, practical, organised mum/teacher, the more he is in the role of useless child/schoolboy.

It's ridiculous to not work weekends or evenings in that role. Obviously 90% of his potential students will be in school themselves during the day.

Yes it sucks to work on the weekend, but welcome to the real world. Lots of families, particularly low income families just have to do things like that to make ends meet.

What does he currently do all day while the children are in school?

I think you need to give him a deadline to make this work by, and then look at paid employment. Could he work for someone else as a driving teacher? That might make him accountable and then it's not you telling him what to do, it's a boss.

He usually has some lessons during the week. This week he has 1 Monday morning, 1 Tuesday morning, 2 during the day Thursday and 2 during the day Friday. I’m not actually sure what he does while he’s at home and the kids are at school. Not a lot I don’t think. He doesn’t do housework unless I’ve asked him to do something specific. Plays a game on the laptop and naps I think. He works 1 evening (5-7pm) and currently has one Saturday student first thing Saturday morning. Totalling around 16 hours a week.

Some people just aren't cut out for working for themselves.

As you're aware, a lot of time and effort goes into promoting a business and following up on leads and, for whatever reason, he just doesn't have the drive to do that. A lot of people like the idea forwarding for themselves but just can't do it.

I wouldn't be able to.

So he needs to either admit that and change it or admit it and find and employed position.

Okay so he needs to either be doing his admin in the day or get a job that works shifts where he can pick and choose them (zero hours contract!) so when he's quiet on the lesson side of things he can go and do a few hours at the other job! He needs to keep the money coming in to support his family, it is not all your responsibility!!

That's why he's doesn't want to work more hours then... with that schedule he should be doing ALL of the housework and most of the cooking, if you're working full time.

Why does he think he has no responsibility to financially support his family?

(I have not read the thread) Apols if this has been mentioned.
@Pineapples198 Can you afford to get qualified and then you work full time and he takes over as "House Spouse" and does some part time shifts.
Would he be allowed to supervise you whilst you qualify.

Qualify in what? As a driving instructor?
I work full time already as a school administrator. I have no desire to change to being an instructor plus the training costs around £2000. You have to book training through a franchised driving school and be tied into them paying franchise fees for at least at year once you start work (£600 a month for 12 months) so it wouldn’t make financial sense. We don’t really need a “house spouse” as both kids are at school and I don’t work school holidays.

Could he register as an Uber driver?

Perhaps you could agree that he needs to work (as in, being paid for his time- responding to emails doesn't count) for 30 hours a week. He can either book lessons for that time or make the rest of the time up driving Uber.

It's really not ok to be playing video games and dabbling in work around that when you have two school aged children.

He should be doing all the housework in the meantime.

Why does he think he's entitled to this lifestyle while you work?!

So.... he's working very few hours and does do all the school runs, but otherwise he's sitting around on his butt?

Sorry, but of course he's not motivated to do more. Why should he? He gets what, 5 hours a day sitting at home chilling out on the computer/tv.

I would find this deeply unattractive. If, as a family, it makes sense for him to be the primary caregiver as well as to manage the household while doing fewer hours, no problem. DH does about 12 hours a week (although he has quite a commute and it's over 4 days so it works out to being out of the house for quite a bit more) but he also does 8 out 10 school runs, all the straight-after-school extra curricular and a big chunk of the ones later in the day, the vast bulk of tasks related to laundry, all the gardening, all the DIY, bins etc. He also changes the bedding weekly and cleans the bathrooms fortnightly (between cleaner visits) as well as does general day to day things like entertaining the DC, chores as they come up like emptying dishwasher, feeding DD, walking dog etc.

If he worked more hours, he would earn more, but I'd have to step up and do a lot more of these other tasks. So it works out for us. I'd feel very differently if I was still doing all the household tasks minus school run.

This is a really good idea. Uber can be worked around his instruction schedule and will get him out, about and interacting.

I agree, him slouching around the house while you are out working is not on. If he's only working 14 hours a week, he should be doing about 25 hours of housework and admin. Why does he feel entitled to contribute so little time and effort toward the household?