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Original poster

AIBU - Partner's Procrastination

18 replies

Kiki105 · 31/07/2023 21:15

Hi, I'll try and keep this short.
DP took voluntary redundancy from stressful job last Sept after 34 years with the company. He said he would start applying for jobs in January and 6 months later he hasn't applied for one job, has used all his redundancy on living expenses and is now living off his savings. Says he needs a job and can't afford to retire yet. He's 59 and in my opinion the longer he leaves it the harder it will be for him to find similar work. We don't live together but plan to in the next few years. He's just reluctantly spent a fortune fixing a serious roof problem and needs to do other repair work on his house in order to eventually sell it but he's just ignoring the problems as well as procrastinating getting another job. We've had many talks about the house and him getting a job but nothing is changing. Part of me feels I shouldn't interfere but at the same time we've been in a committed relationship for 4 years, just not moved in together because he doesn't want to live with my 2 adult kids. I'm seriously thinking of walking away from the relationship or AIBU?

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 31/07/2023 21:32

Have you had a chat with him about why he's not started applying - is he procrastinating because he's nervous/scared of rejection etc? Or do you think it's laziness?
I understand the reluctance to interfere but equally, this is a man you're sharing your life with and planning to move in with, and it's definitely reasonable to have concerns. Can you identify what your specific worries are - is it about him wasting the redundancy money, or his lack of motivation/work ethic?

My DP of 3 years (living together for 2) took voluntary redundancy and has been off work for two months now, not applied for any jobs and I'm starting to feel concerned - I think my main issue is that I'm quite different to him in some ways - I like things done ASAP and can be impatient, so in his position I'd have been lining up a new job before finishing the old one. I'm trying to be relaxed though as DP lost his dad at the end of last year after a long difficult illness and he was supporting his mum intensely for the whole time, so I think he needs some time to rest.

Anyway, perhaps put a hold on him moving in until you see what his next move is?

Original poster
Kiki105 · 31/07/2023 21:58

@Allelbowsandtoes We have talked at great lengths about him getting another job and I have been very encouraging. I do think he is worried about rejection and not getting anything.
Yes, I'm exactly like you! I would have been preparing my CV in advance and applying as soon as possible but then I've had many jobs so perhaps I find it less daunting. I'm proactive and would have planned my time off. He planned to do his house up and a few other things, none of which he has done, I think that's what I'm annoyed about and the fact he could have used his redundancy money more wisely rather than on living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a job.
I hope you don't end up in this situation, it's very frustrating.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 31/07/2023 22:19

I’m a fine one to talk but

Life’s too short.
You’re not on the same track. Your goals are too diverse.
Don’t invest too much more into him/the relationship.
It sounds like hard work.

Original poster
Kiki105 · 31/07/2023 22:34

It was a wonderfully easy relationship until his redundancy. I just can't abide procrastination.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 31/07/2023 23:06

He doesnt want what you want. So you're labelling it as procrastion. It isn't.

He's a grown man, you've stated your opinion clearly, advised him etc. So he's heard you. He doesn't want to work for now so is living off his savings. Not wise financially but still, his choice. Perhaps best to focus on yourself and think about whether his life goals align with yours. Doesn't sound as if they do

Smooshface · 31/07/2023 23:33

I don't think this gets better. I was with a serial quitter for 20 years, he would quit a job then be unemployed for a bit... Get a new job eventually, stick with it for a while then quit again. Unemployed for about half our relationship, longest stint was 3 years.

I should have called it quits the first time, but eventually we had kids and then i just had to put up with it as felt no other choice as needed help with childcare.

ZigZag21 · 31/07/2023 23:38

Kiki105 · 31/07/2023 22:34

It was a wonderfully easy relationship until his redundancy. I just can't abide procrastination.

Do you think he's depressed ?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/07/2023 23:58

He's coasting on savings till he can move in with you & be financially supported. Watch out.

Dombasle · 01/08/2023 00:05

He blew all of his redundant money?

That would be a huge turn off for me.

By all means have a week or two off as a bonus holiday but he should have been focusing on finding another job asap even if it was a lower wage than before!

Don't get a place together, he will not find another job or even care about it as he probably intends for you to cover him.

Sorry but he would be a goner for me.

Original poster
Kiki105 · 01/08/2023 06:53

I won't be supporting him financially, I have no savings and I'm just about keeping my head above water financially with my own living costs. He's not depressed, he's always keen to go out and for us to do things, he seems quite happy to me. 10 months of not working is long enough don't you think? Especially if he's now eating into his life savings.

OP posts:
StartSWagaintomorrow · 01/08/2023 07:48

That’s up to him to decide. You don’t live together. You are not linked financially. I personally would just enjoy the relationship and intimacy and if and when things do change for the better or worse decide then. Unless you have a string of eligible decent men waiting in line for you.

Allelbowsandtoes · 01/08/2023 08:00

Kiki105 · 31/07/2023 21:58

@Allelbowsandtoes We have talked at great lengths about him getting another job and I have been very encouraging. I do think he is worried about rejection and not getting anything.
Yes, I'm exactly like you! I would have been preparing my CV in advance and applying as soon as possible but then I've had many jobs so perhaps I find it less daunting. I'm proactive and would have planned my time off. He planned to do his house up and a few other things, none of which he has done, I think that's what I'm annoyed about and the fact he could have used his redundancy money more wisely rather than on living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a job.
I hope you don't end up in this situation, it's very frustrating.

Yes I think that's what frustrates me in my situation too - you and I sound quite similar, I'm also very proactive and there's loads of stuff I'd be wanting to do with my time off - bits around the house I never have time to do, spending more time on hobbies etc.
From another post you made it sounds like your DP isn't depressed. Either way, I'd be giving some serious thought to ending the relationship at this point - not because what he's doing is "wrong" as such but it sounds like your life goals and personalities don't match. I wonder how things would be when you eventually both retire - would you feel frustrated that he's not doing anything?

Original poster
Kiki105 · 01/08/2023 10:22

@Allelbowsandtoes I feel frustrated now because he is 8 years my senior and he will retire long before me. Therefore I don't want to be with him anymore if he's jumped off the working treadmill now and not planning to jump back on it. I've got a good 15 years before I may retire and that's a long time to be with him at home all day not doing much.

OP posts:
Prelapsarianhag · 01/08/2023 13:46

Cocklodger in waiting.

Dombasle · 01/08/2023 13:52

Prelapsarianhag · 01/08/2023 13:46

Cocklodger in waiting.

I agree.

He's never going back to work. There will always be some excuse.

He's waiting to move in and put his feet up.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/08/2023 16:18

Why is he a cocklodger when he's already not living with OP because he doesn't want to live with her and her adult children? He made that clear. Furthermore he's not exactly rushing to move in or forward with OP, is he? It's not cocklodger behaviour, its different values and lifestyle behaviour ie they're incompatible

Allelbowsandtoes · 01/08/2023 17:02

Kiki105 · 01/08/2023 10:22

@Allelbowsandtoes I feel frustrated now because he is 8 years my senior and he will retire long before me. Therefore I don't want to be with him anymore if he's jumped off the working treadmill now and not planning to jump back on it. I've got a good 15 years before I may retire and that's a long time to be with him at home all day not doing much.

Yeah that is very off-putting! Ultimatum time perhaps....

Original poster
Kiki105 · 01/08/2023 17:30

I sent DP a message this morning making it very clear I'll not be around to see him lose everything he's worked hard for. He's probably sulking right now because he's not responded. Why do men do that grrr!
Your views have been helpful, thank you. I'm not giving him loads of chances like I did with my ex. Life is too short at my age. He's very mistaken if he thinks I'm still a soft touch. I'm much stronger now, have my own home and I don't need a man to support me. I'll miss him terribly but I won't miss the constant worry about the financial mistake he is making

OP posts:
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