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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate people, what's wrong with me

36 replies

Grumpymummy78 · 31/07/2023 21:06

Hate is too strong a word. Just really fed up with people.
My own fault I'm sure for agreeing to things and saying yes too much. Looking after a school mum's animals while they're on holiday this week, really don't know why I said yes as there are so many, including horses! As I say, entirely my own fault. I'm a plonker as working full time plus doing a course and have my own DD to look after. Just feeling overwhelmed.

In general, I just seem to find that I want to distance myself from most people and only really be with my DH and kids. That's when I'm happiest. Most other peoples kids annoy me and many adults do too! I sounds horrible I'm sure.

OP posts:
AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 31/07/2023 21:15

You are not horrible!

You do need to learn to say NO DOESN'T WORK FOR ME when people make demands of you.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 31/07/2023 21:18

Me too OP.

FoodFann · 31/07/2023 21:20

‘Distance’ is a good word. If you get too close to some people they will drag you into drama and nastiness. I keep my distance too OP.

Clingymcclang · 31/07/2023 21:24

I think when you find it hard to hold boundaries and say no (as I also do) it can lead to this feeling. Sometimes I think people feel able to be the worst versions of themselves around me.

Sorry you’re feeling this way op, do something nice for yourself when you’re not tending to horses etc.

Desperatehousewivesreruns · 31/07/2023 21:25

You and me both OP

Ponks · 31/07/2023 21:27

Me too

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 31/07/2023 21:35

Oh god..thank you all. I was feeling..as I say..that I'm pretty horrible.
Everyone on the dreaded FB (an illusion I know) always seem to be out with friends having a good time, I've always felt like a weirdo for not doing that.
As I say, kids and DH are enough for me.

I do need to maintain better boundaries though. And say NO.

Thank you, will try to relax a bit this evening. Though the damn chickens need putting to bed right now, jeez! Like I said - my own fault.

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 31/07/2023 21:39

Have something ready whenever people ask you to do something you don't want to - I'm just don't have time what with x and y, I'll have to check with DH. Some people are complete CF's and totally take advantage in friendships. Those are the sort of people that get you down. You just need to find friends that aren't the sort to be always asking favours or asking favours that are completely unreasonable. I hope you get some cash or a really lovely thankyou present from this person you are helping out massively!

Rockyroad101 · 31/07/2023 22:30

I get you completely. I’m one of those people who say yes at the drop of a hat, to suit others, even when it puts me out. Recently within the last year, I’ve learned to start saying no. I found that unless I said it, I was going to blow up someday at someone. My advice is to think before you say yes to stuff. We need to remember that just cos someone asks us to do something - it doesn’t mean we’ve got to.

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 31/07/2023 22:59

Such helpful advice, thank you both.

I'll prep something as suggested as to why I can't say yes to something.
I've done it so many times and just get so annoyed with myself.

Digging deeper, I feel that I've been in a lot of friendships when people have taken advantage a bit (responsibility lies with me however) and I get all this resentment, when if I'd just said no in the first place, I could have avoided making myself miserable!

The animal situation this week has taught me a very valuable lesson - that I can't go on like this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 31/07/2023 23:03

Forgot to say I'm not getting paid. They said I get to keep the eggs from the chickens this week...

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 31/07/2023 23:04

I was run ragged all my life being a people pleaser. I know you're supposed to grow up and learn boundaries, but the only practical solution I found was to be self-employed and live in the middle of nowhere. The only companion I had for years was a cat. (But there's a lot to be said for that!) I now have a lovely DH, who managed to talk me out of my lifelong belief that there's something wrong with me. I hope you can achieve the same! X

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 06:49

Alcemeg thanks for your reply - your life sounds wonderful to me (self-employed, living in the middle of nowhere..).
I can appreciate how this feeling stems from being a people pleaser. My DH says the same..maybe I should start listening to him!
x

OP posts:
SGsling · 01/08/2023 07:08

I mean this with kindness but you have only yourself to blame. It does seem that your anger at the world is pure projection at the annoyance you feel at yourself for agreeing to do things you don’t want to do.

This is something only you can fix, and maybe you will be able to have better friendships if you are confident you can turn down piss-takers. You know you’re a people pleaser, you know and live all the negative consequences of being a people pleaser. Time to step up - and think about the example you are setting your children as well.

Moominy · 01/08/2023 07:38

I don't have any additional advice but came here to say I feel the same - DH and DC are enough, and it definitely doesn't make you horrible. We're all different, we all want different things out of life and not all of us need those friendships you're seeing on social media.

It took a while for me to work out that I'm a lot happier not being involved in other people's lives (this extends to some family too). I used to worry that I'd be seen as unsociable but realised I don't care about others' perception of me, as long as I'm polite etc then it's my life!

It's tough being a people pleaser (I'm better at this now by being prepared; either having my excuses ready, or by just saying 'i'll let you know' and take it from there), but it's good that it sounds like you've learnt from this experience which is hopefully your first step in putting yourself first! Good luck 😁

BlueSlate · 01/08/2023 10:46

SGsling · 01/08/2023 07:08

I mean this with kindness but you have only yourself to blame. It does seem that your anger at the world is pure projection at the annoyance you feel at yourself for agreeing to do things you don’t want to do.

This is something only you can fix, and maybe you will be able to have better friendships if you are confident you can turn down piss-takers. You know you’re a people pleaser, you know and live all the negative consequences of being a people pleaser. Time to step up - and think about the example you are setting your children as well.

This.

My next door neighbour asked if we'd take in their noisy, messy house pets while they went back to their home country for two months. Two months!

I felt for her as their usual pet sitter had let them down with three days notice but I said no because, well, I just didn't want to do it!

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 11:25

Of course SG, it's a given I only have myself to blame. I've said that many times, that's not new information for me.
I don't think I'm necessarily projecting, just annoyed by people who take the piss, and -naturally- annoyed by myself for saying yes (I've expressed above how accountable I am and this isn't a pity post, more a searching of like minds to see if I'm alone in this..)

OP posts:
Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 11:28

Thank you for the luck Moom, this thread has been incredibly helpful. I distance myself from people too as I'm drama averse, and there seems to be so much drama!
As you say, other peoples perceptions aren't important. For your own peace of mind, it's good to be polite but that's it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 11:29

Well done Blue. It will be a big fat no from me next time!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 01/08/2023 11:30

You’re not horrible but you do need to learn to say no.

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 11:31

I absolutely agree MrsSkyler.

OP posts:
Blatantlyfemale · 01/08/2023 11:39

I just read this and thought ‘ how absolutely lovely to have a DH and kids who you would rather be with than anyone else’.

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 11:59

Thank you Blatantly; that's a nice way to look at it actually I guess - as a positive.

OP posts:
ClaribelLowLieth · 01/08/2023 12:02

I feel the same but I'm constantly reading about how we're social animals and the problem with the Western world is our lack of connection.

Although maybe meaningful connection is different from pet sitting

Original poster
Grumpymummy78 · 01/08/2023 12:15

Claribel it's so tricky. I just don't meet people that I could have that meaningful connection with. And I meet a lot of nice people through work and DC school etc. I get on well with them initially and make friends easily, but keep my distance due to getting annoyed (as mentioned - wholly my own fault as I people please and say yes too much) and after a while..I generally don't enjoy their company?!

OP posts: