Wife and another man texting

[Pedro67]

Hi all

Really need some advice
Recently came across text messages between my wife 50 and a bloke 42
Althouh the messages werent explicit in nature, I detected something going on as the bloke said she had nice boobs and wanted to get into her dress
Anyways I confronted my wife who held her hands up to the fact
She says she felt embarrassed and didn't know why she done it
She says whatever it is it won't become physical as she doesn't want the bloke turning up at our door or to meet him in person
I asked her do you want to keep doing it she said yes but it's not as though she s waiting with phone in hand for his messages
I agreed to let her carry on with whatever this is but she has to make me aware if either of them message one another
I badgered her to message this bloke last Monday she did briefly
According to her there has not been any contact since but I did start asking more questions last night and the original three messages have now turned to six, I can only assume the other two messages where after I found out, maybe she deleted them or moved them
Where am I now, still puzzled and confused , her iPad is more secure than fort Knox and she carries her phone literally everywhere but hey he s hardly messaging so its a legitimate reason
We have become more lovey dovey since with one another but this could be lulliing me into a false sense of security
if it had been the other way around I would be out on the bones of my arse
to be honest I curious to see the contents of any messages I ve not seen or any future messages
We ve been married for 21 years so this is right out of character
Is it emotional, is it online sexting well that's anyone's guess
I strongly suspect that this bloke has a partner by the infrequency of messages but brutally he wants sex withy my wife
Please can you good people make sense of this

Why on earth have you said it's okay for her to continue!?!? That's utter madness!

I would be livid if my husband did this. Do you normally have a good relationship? Is she feeling ignored etc (not making excuses for her though). Or has she ever had issues with boundary crossing before - flirting with men, or infidelity?

I know, I know but whatever this is she has to get it out of her system
She did say she would stop but in all honesty she would end up back messaging him
I did contemplate just bailing , I have a 13 year old and an 18 year old at home so I would be walking out on them to so that's not an option but also if I m being honest I don't think she could say anything if I did
I don't know what to do for the best, don't want to live me life being suspicious or on tenterhooks
I m off on hol this week so am going to the boozer all day tomorrow out the road

No she's been off with me for a while but that's probably my fault
She s never done this or been with any other man, we ve been together since 1993

She is trying to distance herself from the whole thing, she said how on earth could I have told you what I was doing
I m struggling but she says I ve become obsessed with it and it's no big deal
That's ok then I ll go on my FB profile tonight and I ll post my wife being texting another bloke, but hey it's no big deal

Ok just relax - please don't post anything on Facebook. This will only exacerbate things for the both of you! People online will just make a mockery of your relationship and that won't end well!

Why did you tell her it's ok to carry on messaging this man? I am very confused by this .

Reminder: Your choice isn't walk out or stay. You can stay with your children and ask her to move out.

None of this ok and you need to man up and tell her it's not. It says more about you giving her permission to carry on messaging and flirting with another bloke. She's cheating on you and your somehow letting it continue. Put your foot down and give her an ultimatum.

No my post about posting stuff in FB was just sarcasm
I really want to get my head around it all that's why I agreed it could continue as I want to know what this is from her point of view, I know what the blokes intentions
She doesn't want it to become physical and I believe her so it is what it is
Am I crazy most definately
It's been a week and no messaging, really don't know what's going on
She seems to think I can just shut off my mind like a robot
I snapped at her and said you can just gi and meet the fkn bloke she said I don't want to meet him, that's why she used a fake profile photo
I actually think he's seen her FB profile from her name so he ll know she's married, don't think he wants a relationship just a quick bunk up then he ll go back to his gf or wife
Is this dangerous ground

Mate in reality she would just end up sneaking about which would be worse
She still not being totally honest and upfront and basically just wants me to shut up, I think despite what she says will bide her time to the point where I m not longer taking interest in the matter then she will resume, all this is so I don't walk and leave her with a mortgage to pay

Don’t go drinking all day !
wont help

dont post it on Facebook
won’t help !

but do take some time to think and keep posting here

you need to set a boundary and have an honest talk

sorry this is happening

Thanks for your comments and concern so far, it's much appreciated
The part about the drinking, think it's just a coping method be it the wrong one
What's everyone's take on the messaging stopping, is because I found out, are they still messaging
I ve done a bit of research and to my dismay this online stuff is on the rise especially with married woman so it looks like I m not alone
Suppose I have to keep posting , warts and all and try to get to the bottom of it all

We kind of set boundaries when she said she never wants to meet him in real life and also agreeing to let me know when either of them are messaging one another

@Pedro67 there is a really great site called ‘surviving infidelity’ they have a ‘just found out’ forum. The posters there are amazing, experienced at all of this, really wise and extremely helpful. If I were you I’d get myself on there as you’ll get ongoing support. I’d also get myself a copy of ‘not just friends’ by Shirley glass.

Your wife needs to have absolutely no contact with this man, she is crossing a serious boundary here.

I said warts and all so here's something I found out before fort Knox iPad was secured
I looked at her browser history and one of the searches was hard nipples through a dress, I ll let you make of that what you want
Of course she might want to send me an image of herself with the above, NOT
She doesn't know I know about that

Thanks, think I came across that site
I totally agree that it's very dangerous ground
In the grand scale of things it looks as though she has gone into this for attention, as an escape
The sleazebag bloke has only one thing on his mind and that's to bed her
Because there's no sexual inneundo from my wife so far then he's probably away messaging other woman , so that makes sense about the infrequency of messages

I know the blokes name and I ve been trying to find out info about him
She was adamant that I don't contact this bloke or his partner if he has one
What's bewildering is that she says she knows nothing about him or how old he is, yet one of the messages read 42 and bored
Things aren't running true are they

You saying you're ok with it and then just torturing yourself over it being ongoing is going to drive you totally bonkers. I totally understand your logic that - by requesting she stops - you don't know whether she wants to stop under her own steam. And you want her to stop because she wants to stop. But realistically, asking someone to stop doing something because it hurts you - is them stopping because they want to. They can always say 'no', and then you have your real answer.

I would tell her it's hurting you, request that she stops, and ask that the 2 of you have a heart to heart about what she feels is missing between you that she entertained this, and then that the 2 of you try to fix that.

She's cheating in full sight. Lay the law down OP, she is being completely disrespectful. Tell her she is behaving like a child, wanting attention from another man in this way, a man she knows little about. He won't be the knight in shining armour she probably thinks he is, that's guaranteed.

I understand you not wanting to upset your DCs' lives by leaving but if she won't stop her ridiculous behaviour, what else can you do?!

Thanks fun times 1987
Glad you see the dangers of all this
She doesn't want to meet him in real life so that's good
If it's sexting then I ok with that but the bloke will be wanting much more and it doesn't involve a relationship, he has a partner, so his aim is to bed my wife if my wife had made her intentions clear about this only happening online , you wouldn't see him for dust
His intentions are clear as he thinks it's going to become physical
When you look at the these things for what they are they won't last as fantasy can never become reality
Once you hit a peek then it's job done and you don't need it anymore
Think that's why I think she needed to get this out of her system , she s 50 and maybe she doesn't feel appreciated or even sexy so the attention is probably flattering
Not making excuses just saying it as I see it

Hi your message about your wife strikes exactly the same with me. I found my wife was on a dating site contacted a guy who’s 42 she’s 50 the text had sexual innuendo in it. I confronted her she said there isn’t anything in it.she wouldn’t say how she got to know him so I contacted him he told me it was a dating site she said she was not married and was separated from her partner. They met for a coffee 2 times but no sex had happened. I confronted her she said they met once couldn’t remember 2 times they both said they have blocked each other. The trust has gone now we have been married 18 years. It’s the ease off contact with internet and mobile phones this sort of thing is going to be more popular as time goes on so I feel your pain