Ditched for Mum Friends

[RosesandDaisiess]

Feeling a bit down about a friendship lately. Someone I consider/ed to be my closest best friend, but I can clearly see she doesn't feel the same anymore.

Texts not as frequent, her leaving days - weeks to contact me or reply. Texts not as warm as they used to be. She isn't as 'gushy' as she used to be, never calls me her best friend anymore. I was even her maid of honur at her wedding a few years back. I get that im no longer her best friend.

Our lives went in different directions, she achieved her dream of marriage and kids, I wanted that too but I haven't found anyone. I am really happy for her though and always show interest in her family life.

We are mid 30's and have been best friends since our uni days.

From what I can see on Social media, she is seeing a lot more of her Mum friends lately and even put up a photo of them out the other week with 'Mums club' as the caption. I've also seen her texting them when we've been out before and could see her texts to them had a lot more thought to them. We are really hardly in touch any more but we do meet up now and again and it seems to be fine and like it used to be.

I feel like through no fault of my own, she doesnt care anymore, and has this new tribe of mum friends instead and doesnt need me. And it hurts.

Is it normal for Mums to ditch their single friends like this? Why do they do it?

She has recently returned from a holiday and i haven't even text to ask how it was because I feel like she doesnt want me to. Because if she did want to talk to me, shed be in touch.

It could be anything, maybe she finds more in common now with these friends. My best friend isn’t married like me, she actually has the complete opposite life to me and we are very diff people now, but we are always in contact. True friendships stand the test of every single change. You may never know why she’s drifted. If I were you, I’d stop trying so hard, if she wants to she will contact you. Fill your time with friends who want to be with you. It really hurts when someone does this but when you make peace with it, you’ll find a new freedom.

Presumably at least 75% of her non working time is spent with her baby/kids. How much of your spare time would you want to spend with someone else and their kid doing kid focused stuff?

I can't speak for all Mums, everyone has a different experience, but I know that even just the mental load of parenting wears me out a lot, let alone delivering the goods (as it were), and sometimes its easier to sit harassed and tired next to a woman who is experiencing the same, while our kids entertain each other, than to have to balance catching up in a focused conversation with a friend while trying to keep the kids in check.

It's a shame if she can't dedicate a small amount of child free time for dinner every now and again.

She will naturally have more "mum" friends as life takes on different directions. That doesn't mean she isn't your friend

A shit friend is a shit friend- regardless of life choices.
Most of my friends are single, I’m married with children. Yes I definitely don’t go out as much but I take an interest in their lives, they take an interest in mine and my children’s. We talk kids, politics, promotions, dating, tv etc- that’s a real friendship.
In life friends come and go- don’t dwell too much.

The friendship has drifted, through different life developments -- that doesn't mean it won't rekindle in time. Turn your focus to other friends for the moment, and leave the door open. I've reconnected with an old friend after a 12-year hiatus recently, and it's been good.

But the friend does reply. She does meet for dinner etc. Ops issue is she isn't as "gushy" or calls her her "best friend" which is a bit immature really isn't it?

Friendships can be similar to romantic relationships in that they don't always last forever. Feelings can change.

It's shit for you right now but I'd just step back and pour my energy into new friendships.

No it’s not immature.

There has been a significant pull-back from the friend and that must hurt.

OP focus on other friendships and see what happens with her over time. But definitely shelve her for a while. Take some time to grieve - it’s an important relationship and you will need to process the sense of loss.

How old is her baby? Or has this been going on for years and she's now got 3 children aged 3-13?

Because I think in the beginning, it can be very hard to maintain friendships outside of your baby, especially if you're not living close by to each other. I remember travelling to meet a friend for dinner after she'd had her first. It was no big deal for me (30 minute journey) but she told me that 2 other friends, both of whom didn't have children and who lived no further away than I did, had refused to come to her except the first time they met up post-baby and so she just had to put them on hold for a while as she was still breastfeeding, so had a fairly limited window for going out.

At least one of those friendships never recovered.

I think as the person without a child, in the early days, it is on you to do the compromising. That's not always fair and if it's what you wanted from your life and it hasn't happened for you, I can imagine that must be hard. But I did it for friends before I had DC, some did it for me when I was in the thick of it, and then as my DC got older, I did it again for friends who were starting later or having more. My "best friend", who has never had kids, has always been wonderful about accommodating me when my DC were tiny but I hope that I have more than paid her back in support and effort when things got easier for me.

Kids are 1 and 3, nearly 4. My problem is the fact ive been demoted for no reason. I have been nothing but accommodating (I feel) and ive always tried to understand why she may not be in contact so much any more. (such as being busier etc)

Another problem is that it leaves me feeling like its my fault, but I know I haven't done anything wrong except not be at the same stage of life. (Although had my previous relationships had worked out maybe I would have been)

It makes me so sad to think how things used to be and how close we used to be. I feel like im the same person, just a bit older, so I don't know why she suddenly doesn't care to be close anymore. I really thought our friendship was true.

I feel a bit offended that its like she feels im not as worthy of her friendship anymore just because I haven't got kids. I feel like the facebook comment about the 'club' showed me thats how she feels.

Nothing has changed since I posted this. I still haven't reached out. She hasn't reached out. I know shes fine from Socials, she put up a post that she went out with another mum the other day. Its been nearly a month, the longest we've ever gone without speaking since meeting at University. And im hurting.

Can you tell her exactly
how you feel?

’Hey friend, I miss you and I miss our friendship, and I feel hurt that you seem to have pushed me away. Do you not feel such a connection with me any more because I don’t have kids? Or do you assume I don’t want so much contact because you do? I’d like to pick up where we left off if we can - would be good to have an honest chat?”

Well, this game of who's not going to contact who clearly isn't making you happy, so why not contact her? And think about whether you would rather have this friend in your life, even if not on the terms she was on before, than not have her. And either tell her calmly about your resentment of her new friends (but be prepared for her to feel got at, and as if she's being asked to choose or make some grand pledge about you still being her best friend), or accept that sometimes friendships can drift for a few years, for reasons to do with changes of circumstance/geography/small children/ill health, but can come back.

I had the opposite experience to you, in that I was unceremoniously dropped by someone I considered a close friend when I got pregnant (she literally never contacted me again after I told her I was pregnant), but twelve years on, circumstances have reconnected us. It's not what it was before, and we have never discussed the breach (though I think I understand something of what went on) but in general, I value the friendship.