Am I being harsh and over reacting?

[Urgsleepmoresleep]

I have had a tough year full of change. I recognise I am close to burn out and have sought help. But I am exhausted and yesterday my partner accused me of taking it out on him.

start of the year my mum died unexpectedly and I saw it over FaceTime as I didn’t have time to get there due to distance. I had not seen her in person for a few months, but had planned to go down week after she died.

Family devastated, my dad just didn’t think of others due to his grief. My partner was amazing drive me there and stayed with me for that week. Think he was relieved he could do something practical. For 2 weeks after he left me alone as I asked. He said he didn’t do emotions but was here if needed. He did practical things and offered hugs.

I then decided to sell my flat, which sold quickly. I bought a new build off plan and moved in with my partner till next year. went on a once in a lifetime holiday week after I moved out and got ill towards the end that lasted for 4 weeks on my return. So all the rest was undone.

my job is stressful and due to a restructure I am having to interview for it again, so can’t get gone off. I am not sleeping now as for some reason I keep seeing my mum dying. Mo idea why this is appearing months later it’s as if I am just processing it all. I am exhausted. I am not depressed just want to sleep for a week.

So you would think my partner would help, but no consideration of how I am feeling despite telling him. When we lived apart we only saw each other a few times a week and that was quality time with lots of affection and sex. Now I have moved in we don’t spend any quality time together. I do all the cleaning and cooking (but I enjoy cooking). We discussed this before I moved in and he promised me it would be split - all lies. I feel like he has hit the jackpot and gets to relax whilst I am Cinderella. I am losing respect for him.

I have brought this up to him and he said weekends are for him to relax and does it matter, do we need to clean weekly. Yes I want a clean house and he admits he likes it too. I leave things and he won’t notice. I away for 3 days and no dishes or washing got done. I just want help as I am doing everything and work and college.

yesterday I brought it up again as he asked for a Cooked breakfast and tea. I snapped and replied that he hadn’t made me a coffee or breakfast since I moved in or cleaned a thing. He seemed shocked but joked that what my role was. I lost my head and told him he trapped me in a place I know no one and there is no affection or sex anymore now we live together. He was shocked and said there is, but I think he had become lazy. He asked what he can do to help. I told him what needed done which he agreed to - still not done.

I said I was moving out. In fact I am viewing a flat tomorrow. He is saying as I am tired I am grumpy. He knows I am processing delayed grief, but seems uncomfortable and has said he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t need to talk to him, but help in cleaning would be great.

but this weekend he drive me to friends and picked me up. Learned to use my coffee machine and woke me up with a coffee- think he googled it. He does treat me and will spend money on meals out etc. but I really need him to see this as a partnership rather than me a woman doing all the work.

I am grumpy and unhappy, but not too sure if stress, tiredness and change is influencing this.

He wasn't joking
He thinks women should look after him and do all the cooking and cleaning.
Carry on with moving out.

You sound like you have a lot on op.

I wouldn't live together if I were you. Many couples don't. He sounds better when you live apart.

It sounds like living together isn’t working out. I think you are both getting things wrong here.

I think we are getting things wrong. As I am only temporarily living here I am not getting charged rent. I am buying the food and cooking, which is enjoyable to me. Our discussion regarding cleaning was 50% split. He says I am too clean.

not too sure if he is taking me for granted or just lazy and I never saw this

You don't appear to have been aware of each others' expectations before moving in together. Sounds as though you need to have that frank discussion and if you're not on the same page, no point living in misery. YANBU

@EnglishPearFreesia i was clear before I moved in. I said I feared he would not pull his weight. He said it would be split except cooking. As he can’t cook and I enjoy it. I said I would do a deep clean and then we can do it weekly to keep on top of it. He agreed.

I have brought it up and he says that I am too clean, doesn’t need done weekly. Basically I feel I am his servant. We are both independent and strong willed. But compromise is needed

You’ve had a terrible year, it takes a very long time to get over the death of a parent, I don’t think you ever really get over it to be honest.

Add to that work stress and a change in living circumstances you sound exhausted and no wonder, you’ve had a lot going on.

I don’t think you and your partner are compatible long term and you are right to be getting your own place.

He may change his ways and become a bit more considerate to what you are going through, but from what you’ve said, I doubt it.

Well he came home and cleaned the kitchen. That’s a first. Did some washing.

let’s see if it’s worked