I just want to come on here to commend this column to everyone - https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/30/my-wife-and-i-argue-so-much-but-she-will-not-go-to-counselling-philippa-perry#comment-163752842
This letter to Philippa Perry could have been written by me a few years ago. My husband and I argued about everything and anything (although obviously it was always the same thing really!) He was 'wrong', and I was 'right' (even when I admitted he was right, but just expressed it in totally the wrong way!)
He treated me very badly, and yet I didn't want to just LTB - we have children who need us together if at all possible (I really believe this, unless in the case of horrible abuse, obvs.). So I needed a way of staying together but us both improving, and our situation and quality of life improving.
So we both went to therapy, separately and together, and the stuff we have learnt reflects so much of what Philippa Perry writes in her amazing book and in this column. What I learnt was that I couldn't change him, but could always work on myself and my own reactions to what he did and said. This isn't the same as blaming myself for his poor behaviour. But it means taking responsibility for my own feelings and reactions.
We still argue. We're still different. Our sex life isn't the best. But we're getting there. And as PP says in this reply, there are reasons we were attracted to people who were different from ourselves.
The key changers for me have been:
- to really look at myself and be curious about my own feelings and where they come from, what triggers are being set off, etc. Why am I feeling hurt, superior, arrogant, upset, etc.
- even when he has acted poorly, not to focus on that alone but to look for the good in him. Making him the enemy had the effect that he acted worse. Focusing on his good points was key to breaking the cycle.
- to be able to distance myself from my own anxiety about how he acts, and hold in tension the idea that 'yes he is acting badly, but I don't need to let it affect me to the extent I used to. It doesn't need to hurt me as much as it did'.
- Keeping on 'breaking the cycle'. Sometimes one of us has to back down even when it's not 'fair'. But the result overall is win/win for everyone.
I know it sounds like I am excusing him, but actually, the net effect of all this has been that we have both started treating each other so much better, and things are really improving. We have been through years of unhappiness, but genuinely don't have that now.
I wanted to post this because I'm sure there are people out there on MN like me - not really satisfied with our marriages but not jumping to the usual MN 'LTB' solution, which I know would just be a different sort of horror - for me and our kids. But also needing to move forward positively. I hope this helps. Not really interested in anyone coming on to criticise or rain on this - just to say please do have a read of Philippa Perry if you haven't before!