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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This really is the end isn't it

17 replies

Changedname23 · 31/07/2023 09:37

Angry husband who uses his ADHD diagnosis to justify bad behaviour. Yet behaves perfectly well with friends and work colleagues. My family think he's an absolute angel and he somehow presents himself as the victim (always running around after me and the kids etc).

I'm by no means perfect but I've gone to personal counselling and done a lot of work on myself in the past 2 years. DH has also been to counselling but he won't delve deep so it's always surface level stuff he chats about. I've told him he needs to deal with his anger and anxiety but he won't unless I threaten to leave (has happened in the past and he doesn't end up doing anything).

Anyway we are on holidays at the moment and he is just a grump. We are all a bit cranky because of the heat but he is even more so. I had planned to go shopping with my DD in a few days and DS says he wants to come with us. Just to give a bit of context, DS absolutely hates shopping but is choosing this option rather than spending time with his Dad. DH has offered lots of options but DS is point blank refusing.

DD keeps fighting with DH and keeps saying why did you marry this man in front of DH. Obviously I'm telling her to stop talking about her father like that.

Then in another breath both DD and DS separately asked me why me and DH argue so much but to please not get a divorce. DS said it would hurt him for the rest of his life (13yrs old).

I am separately working with my therapist on getting my ducks in a row and leaving DH in 2024. I keep hoping things will change and they don't. The kids are making me feel so guilty though. Not sure if this thread is making any sense but I'm just so sad/angry/guilty about everything. I backed down before because DH made himself into the victim and none of my family supported me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedname23 · 31/07/2023 15:30

Anyone?

OP posts:
YoSof · 31/07/2023 15:33

You need to leave.

The thought of divorce will be scary for your children because it’s the unknown, but they will adapt and life will be so much calmer I have no doubt you’ll all be happier in the long run.

Weedoormatnomore · 31/07/2023 15:52

Definitely plan ahead for leaving as he sounds like the kind of man who could turn nasty.
Sounds like your kids are confused what did DH say when DD was saying why did you marry DH is he DDs stepdad?

Original poster
Changedname23 · 01/08/2023 08:34

YoSof · 31/07/2023 15:33

You need to leave.

The thought of divorce will be scary for your children because it’s the unknown, but they will adapt and life will be so much calmer I have no doubt you’ll all be happier in the long run.

Thanks. I know I need to go but find the whole thing so sad, that he won't get help

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedname23 · 01/08/2023 08:35

Weedoormatnomore · 31/07/2023 15:52

Definitely plan ahead for leaving as he sounds like the kind of man who could turn nasty.
Sounds like your kids are confused what did DH say when DD was saying why did you marry DH is he DDs stepdad?

No he's her Dad. She actually says it so often now that he just ignores her

OP posts:
Caketea · 02/08/2023 22:02

Same thing happening here today. He often gets so stressed and angry that he walks off on train platforms or in busy city situations and the kids (same age) ask me why I put up with it. He is a liability and often nearly gets into fights with kids in tow.

Original poster
Changedname23 · 03/08/2023 09:34

Caketea · 02/08/2023 22:02

Same thing happening here today. He often gets so stressed and angry that he walks off on train platforms or in busy city situations and the kids (same age) ask me why I put up with it. He is a liability and often nearly gets into fights with kids in tow.

I'm so sorry your OH is like this too. Its so upsetting isn't it?

OP posts:
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 03/08/2023 10:16

My kids say same to me. The view on here was that they mean it and it's a very unusual thing for kids to say.
DH and I had a blazing row on Saturday night and I actually said to him "this is it. You know we are done now, right?"
And he agreed at the time, cried, was sorry, said he was so unhappy etc etc. We're on holiday and ever since he's pretended it didn't happen. I am being civil/normal etc for kids but I'm so worried we'll go home and the drive to divorce will have gone. I've digressed, but the thing is when we actually talked about divorce the kids were crying and begging us not to. Husband said to them, but this is what you keep saying you want. Kids spent next couple of days quiet and saying they were traumatized. I have no clue what to do or what to advise but agree with PP that for kids it's the fear of the unknown. Despite home life being rubbish at times, it's all they know so is comfortable despite misery.
I genuinely think we can be happy as 2 households and maybe you can too. And then ultimately it's the children's choice to see dad or not when they are old enough to decide (I think yours are).

Original poster
Changedname23 · 03/08/2023 10:37

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 03/08/2023 10:16

My kids say same to me. The view on here was that they mean it and it's a very unusual thing for kids to say.
DH and I had a blazing row on Saturday night and I actually said to him "this is it. You know we are done now, right?"
And he agreed at the time, cried, was sorry, said he was so unhappy etc etc. We're on holiday and ever since he's pretended it didn't happen. I am being civil/normal etc for kids but I'm so worried we'll go home and the drive to divorce will have gone. I've digressed, but the thing is when we actually talked about divorce the kids were crying and begging us not to. Husband said to them, but this is what you keep saying you want. Kids spent next couple of days quiet and saying they were traumatized. I have no clue what to do or what to advise but agree with PP that for kids it's the fear of the unknown. Despite home life being rubbish at times, it's all they know so is comfortable despite misery.
I genuinely think we can be happy as 2 households and maybe you can too. And then ultimately it's the children's choice to see dad or not when they are old enough to decide (I think yours are).

So sorry to hear you are having an awful holiday too. I think it is unusual for the kids to say that but I think they say it so often now it is just normal.

We arrived back from holidays on Tuesday and although OH was meant to have yesterday off he worked until 11pm last night. And was moaning and groaning about it at the same time. Sighing everyone I walked past the office. Its so depressing

OP posts:
LadyGeorginaSmythe · 03/08/2023 10:50

Changedname23 · 03/08/2023 10:37

So sorry to hear you are having an awful holiday too. I think it is unusual for the kids to say that but I think they say it so often now it is just normal.

We arrived back from holidays on Tuesday and although OH was meant to have yesterday off he worked until 11pm last night. And was moaning and groaning about it at the same time. Sighing everyone I walked past the office. Its so depressing

Show quote history

I'm not minimizing what they say but agree with you, my kids say "divorce!" so often it's become meaningless.
The thing is if you're spending your life on eggshells and actively trying not to annoy/upset your husband, it's no life. My husband is sitting reading the news on his laptop and chuntering away and it's all so negative and oppressive even though it isn't aimed at me or the children. It's just joyless.

However, everyone on MN says leave but it's just so bloody hard.

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2023 11:01

It must be incredibly hard to leave, you’re going to have to face enormous changes. However, do you want to carry on like this forever more? Many relationships aren’t like this. You could be alone, without the constant worry that he’ll kick off or even with someone who doesn’t act like an aggressive spoiled child.

I haven’t been through this but I can’t imagine living like this and bringing up children in this atmosphere. I hope you all resolve the issues.

greyhairnomore · 03/08/2023 11:11

Harshly, your marriage is over , it sounds awful.
The kids will be disappointed but they will get over it (child of divorced parents, it's so much better when all the arguments stop)

sammyjoanne · 03/08/2023 11:20

Totally understand how you feel. DH had a huge arguement over something stupid yesterday, and then says last night hes now leaving me. He went and did his night shift and waited until I got up so he could go to bed. F/B messages last night saying hes been unhappy for ages and today will discuss all the legal stuff.

When hes said hes unhappy before it always comes down to my weight. I am obese yes and tried various diets/excercise with no avail, and I eventually gave up trying. So its partly my fault that I am the way that I am as he thinks Im not making an effort with myself. Maybe im depressed about the whole weight situation. I know I dont feel good about myself, and probably need some counselling/therapy. He also is very opinionated and when someone disagrees, he thinks that they think they are 'above' him because hes 'thick' and dyslexic, when hes certainly not thick at all. So me and the adult DD's just agree with him just so he doesnt pursue the 'debate' even futher. This is why the relationship between DH and both my DD's have degraded, They love him, but they cant deal with his opinions/debates anymore and fight back with their own.

For me 95-100% of the time im really happy with the relationship. We been with each other 30 years since I was 16. And always been brought up a marriage is taking the rough with the smooth, but i'm at a loss what to do here as I dont want to split up, but I cant bear him seeing hes unhappy either.

Caketea · 03/08/2023 13:35

I don’t see many good relationships out there. The women who are ’happy’ don’t realise their husbands are womanising or they seem to be doormats. I am beyond cynical now about marriage. Mine is cheerful again now (well, as close as it gets) and has said he is under massive strain. But he is an adult. He has to manage himself better for all of our sakes.
My experience of being a child of divorce is that that is shit too.

sammyjoanne · 03/08/2023 19:20

For me I dont think hes the type to womanise, but he is unhappy with the way things are going and our relationship as turned into more of a friendship than man and wife. Granted I am obese and not exactly got 'sex appeal' so I can see why its fell into this pattern as I dont feel sexually attractive about myself. He doesnt go out late or sneak around or hide his phone, and I do trust him. He just seems mad at life and got a lot of resentment, and he thinks by leaving home that in the coming years he will feel much better about things eventually.

sammyjoanne · 03/08/2023 19:27

For the OP,
Some people can be helped if they ask for it. Its got to be time for that talk with him and if he agrees to get some help with his temper then see what happens there and if hes putting it off, then yes put your ducks in a row.

Original poster
Changedname23 · 03/08/2023 19:52

sammyjoanne · 03/08/2023 19:27

For the OP,
Some people can be helped if they ask for it. Its got to be time for that talk with him and if he agrees to get some help with his temper then see what happens there and if hes putting it off, then yes put your ducks in a row.

He just blames it on his ADHD and does nothing

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