I screwed it up, and it can’t be fixed so I just need to get it out I think!

[Wearegoingonanadventure]

Just that really. And I can’t go to my friends as they all think I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place as he has kids and is going through a divorce.

I have kids, but split with my ex over 10 years ago and been single on and off since. He has kids and split with his ex a year ago, divorce started 3 months ago. There is the added complication of them moving from another country as his wife is from here and wanted to move back when they split. He agreed to move here so bought a family home for his ex and the kids and then got himself a home close by, his job let him work from here etc so he is settled on a parental visa.

He is basically going through the hardest time of his life. His marriage of over 10 years ended (wife left him, I wasn’t the OW, we only met a few months ago), he is having to deal with only having his kids half the time and that was a huge fight with his ex as she also didn’t just want them half the time. He has moved countries and left his family and everything behind. His whole life has changed. All my friends thought I shouldn’t get involved, but I really liked him.

We’ve been dating a few months, not met each other’s kids or anything. But his kids are much younger than mine, and he doesn’t have other childcare here so has limited free time. It was difficult to see one other more than once or twice a week. And then he started making friends here (all men so far), which was a really good thing but also meant our time was more limited. But I knew he needed to make friends and settle in. Then last week he cancelled a plan on me to hang out with his new friend and I just flipped, after a lot of difficulty getting time together and I’d had a really bad week… I just didn’t want it to be like that anymore so I ended it. And now I realise what a mistake it was not to be more understanding. And I’m really sad, but he won’t go back because he has his ex flipping out at him every week over stuff in the divorce and he just doesn’t want any more stress.

So, here I am sad and wishing I had just kept my mouth shut and I don’t know what to do because I’ve dated loads over 10 years and he is the first person I felt that click with. We really got on and it was just so easy and fun. But he can’t handle any more stress in his life and I started putting the pressure on. Ugh.

it was just so easy and fun

it doesn’t sound it.

also, it seems maybe you finished with him in the hopes that he would try to draw you back in, and prioritise you a bit more, but it backfired?

you shouldn’t need to finish with someone to get them to behave the way you want.

I don’t think I did, but maybe I did.

I really just had a moment of clarity like, “what am I doing, we barely see each other and he wants to drink with a golf buddy rather than see me.” And I was done. I felt relief when I ended it, as the difficult in seeing each other was stressing me out.

But now that the dust has settled and it’s been a week, I regret it as this time of divorce and stress and sorting his working hours to suit UK time etc isn’t forever. I could have dealt with difficulties finding time for a little while.

I meant when we are together, it doesn’t take effort. It just worked; it didn’t have the nervous dating feeling. It just worked.

Let the dust settle

but also be aware that maybe its right person wrong time

but try and have a break and no contact and get back your life and some perspective

To be honest it sounds like he has had far too much upheaval and stress going on.
Moving countries, buying new homes, work, marital disagreements etc. You were a distraction and anchor for him but he's now beginning to get himself organised with friends and sorting himself out. Neither of you are doing anything wrong it's just the wrong time for him to get stuck into another relationship.

IMO he has far too much baggage and things going on at the moment and I think you've done the right thing albeit for, you think, the wrong reason.

I think that’s what I needed to hear, those last 2 comments.
It’s the wrong time. If we continue, I know that once his life is settled, he may want to start fresh totally and just go have fun for a while. It is just the wrong time, possibly we could have been right for each other but not right now when we need different things from a dating thing.

It’s just hard to accept. And it’s so odd for me. I don’t get bogged down with people. Been happily single and dating for years, not looking for permanent or serious. And I didn’t think I’d want that with him but it just felt very different for me… and he was the wrong guy to feel that with due to his circumstances. I will get over it. It just sucks.

I felt relief when I ended it

Hold onto that thought. There's a reason why you felt relief.

I think you have to accept that he's really, really not in the right place and it's probably for the best.

You're right, if you hardly see each other, it is hurtful that he drops you for a mate. I don't think its 'piling on stress' to say that & you shouldn't give yourself a hard time.

Its just poor timing.

He is finding himself again after a lot of major changes, so chances are it would have ended anyway. If you had met him in a couple of years when things had settled down then it probably would have been different, but I agree with the PP that it was right man, wrong time. Frankly his ex sounds like a nightmare too and having been in a relationship with a man who was recently seperated and when his ex shouted "JUMP!" he would ask how high, it isnt a great starting point. The absolute second she found out about you she would have hit the roof, probably stopped him seeing the kids and then he would have finished with you anyway. The last bit didnt happen to me as I finished with him because he was clearly always going to put what she wanted first and there was no way I was dealing with that.

Give yourself a couple of months and you will be back to your old self. Take care.

Maybe he needs a more causal friends relationship right now, not romantic pressures.

You were only seeing each other for a few months, how much more contact did you want than once or twice a week? Because I would say that is a very common amount in the early days of dating, even more so if either person has kids.

@Scienceadvisory

I knew someone would say that but my OP was long enough.
There was one week when we saw each other twice. The rest of the time, it was once.
we only spent 2 nights actually having an overnight. The rest of the weeks, we would have a few hours in early afternoon or we would have 2/3 hours in the evening and then go home as one or both of us had early starts with picking up our kids.

So, it was quite short times together. When he cancelled last week, we hadn’t seen each other for a week and a half and he was getting his kids the next day so wouldn’t see each other for another 5 days at least. And he went out for a drink instead.

Anyway, everyone is right. Wrong time and he isn’t in the head space for a thing right now. He needs to concentrate on settling in here and making friends and a life for himself.

I feel for you and I was in a similar situation earlier this year, dating an ex colleague but like your situation he had limited time as he was relying on elderly parents babysitting. We didn’t even manage once a week, but did have a few overnights and it was fab, we had a really good connection. Anyway it was the wrong time, so broke it off, I didn’t hear from him for a while at all, now we text now and then. Maybe it would work out sometime if he had time, but I’m not hanging around waiting for him