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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Controlling mil? I'm at breaking point

21 replies

Yummychickenbuger · 30/07/2023 22:50

Hi all reading this,
Please can you advise been with partner three years have a 1 year old son together we dont live together he live's with his mum and dad his mum had a drink problem she says she has stopped since Christmas. He can be controlling his mother keeps interfering in my parenting saying, when am I going to move? as the area where I live is not suitable for her grandson to many druggies around for my son as when he gets older and wants to go and play outside with his friends he can't. And he is not going to school around here no way she said as there are to many black people and he will be the only white child (racist). I told my partner yesterday his mum upset me saying that to me. It turned into a massive row resulting in him pushing his nose in my face and me having to punch his chin lightly (wasn't in front of son he was asleep) this was early in the morning today he left work came over on the phone to me in anger. He said I'm on my way I'm coming over like a raging bull. You better fucking answer the door or I'll smash your windows it was hell since then him yelling at me. I feel scared as the family and him are threatening me to take my son away from me I'm terrified and the side of my nose hurts slightly. Wish I'd listened to mumnet years ago as I posted a thread about him and his mum I stupidly took him back as he left flowers and chocolates on my door. This was before son. Its taking a toll on my physically I'm not eating drinking properly with the stress. Should I see a solicitor for advice?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 22:53

First, of all, you need to report the assault immediately. Literally right now. You can hopefully get a non-molestation order against him.

Secondly, you need to stop speaking to him. Block him on everything. Are you married?

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 30/07/2023 22:54

No not married he lives with his mum scared I'm going to lose my son as I punched him on the chin.

OP posts:

deww · 30/07/2023 22:55

did you put your fist up in self defence and he ran into it?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 22:56

You will not lose your son. It absolutely will not happen. You struck back in self-defense. Please, op, for once do the right thing and call the police to protect you and your child. You need to start making good choices.

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 30/07/2023 22:59

I did it in self defence as he violently rubbed his nose in my face hard.

OP posts:

deww · 30/07/2023 23:01

You didnt attack him, it was self defence. Dont have it on record through text or telling anyone that you punched him, when it was self defence as it won't help.

Call the police now. They won't side with a violent man.

GrumpyPanda · 30/07/2023 23:02

Call the police.

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 30/07/2023 23:06

It's affecting my work life aswell as his mum has my son every weekend then his dad has him. So if I'm going to end the relationship I would have to quit work?

OP posts:

xPeaceXx · 30/07/2023 23:06

How awful, his mother is the least of your worries. I would call the police to get a barring order and a safety order. I agree with a pp, you're SCARED, and he uses anger to control you. ie, he ordered you to answer the door knowing that you didn't want to. He threatened you saying ''you'd better answer the door''.

He doesn't live with you luckily. The police aren't going to side with him.
If he does say ''she hit me'' then tell them you were trying to put space in between the two of you as he was in your face. You didn't even want to let him in.

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 30/07/2023 23:07

I work weekends so no childcare

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 30/07/2023 23:13

Thank you all for your advice I will report him to the police.

OP posts:

GG1986 · 30/07/2023 23:20

Make sure you keep all text messages etc as proof and any photos of any injuries or damage to your home. Do NOT take this man back, protect yourself and your son.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 31/07/2023 00:07

Yes you will have to quit work. You are too enmeshed with them. They can treat you as they like as it stands as you need them. Look for something else or see if you can change your working hours and find childcare for your son. This environment is so toxic for your child and you are going to have a life time of shit from them so buckle up and start learning how to deal with them effectively. Play smart. You will need to have your wits about you or they will run rings around you. You are a mother now OP, It needs stop being about you and your partners toxic dynamic and more about what is best for your son. You will thrive away from him and his mum. First step, look for a nursery or childminder and a different job/hours so you don't need them.

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 31/07/2023 00:38

I've just got off the phone to the police told them what happened. They will come and see me tomorrow morning. I'm just terrified of what him and his mum will do to me if they knock his door

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 31/07/2023 00:40

@pillsthrillsandbellyache you hit the nail on the head thank you for your excellent advice x

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2023 00:41

Yummychickenbuger · 31/07/2023 00:38

I've just got off the phone to the police told them what happened. They will come and see me tomorrow morning. I'm just terrified of what him and his mum will do to me if they knock his door

They won't do anything. You need to be smart, op. You need to stop communicating with them. Block both of them from your phone. If either of them show up at your door, do not open it and call the police.

Keep a record of every contact and any abuse sent your way. You need to take control of your life and get you and your child into a stable environment.

Lavender14 · 31/07/2023 00:52

I'm so sorry you're going through that op, he sounds like a scumbag. I would think about what other support networks you have? What about your own friends or family? I'd price a childminder etc and see if that would be workable for you even short term until you can get things sorted with work longer term. I'd ring womens aid for advice and support, they'll be able to give you guidance on this and help you make a plan where him and his family aren't needed. Are you in an area where you'd get free/subsidised childcare hours? It sounds like him and his mum aren't suitable childcare anyway for your wee one and I wouldn't be comfortable leaving baby with them when they're making threats to take him off you.

I'm glad you contacted the police that's the right thing to do. Document everything no matter how small and only communicate with them by text message so there's a written record of any harassment or threats. All of that would back you up if things went to court. I would absolutely involve a solicitor, they can request a non mol order and help with negotiating contact agreements etc so that you don't need to communicate with them directly and they can be discouraged from threatening behaviour towards you.

You can also contact social services and state that you're worried he's been abusive and feel he's not suitable to be around baby unsupervised because of the threats he's been making and his mum as well due to her drinking. They'll see your actions as that of a protective parent and you'll have police reports to back you up.

If they come to the house don't open the door, if they become intimidating ring police and have them removed.

deww · 31/07/2023 10:50

is all ok OP? Did the police come?

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 31/07/2023 18:23

@deww hi thanks for checking on me I've been scared all day. A police lady came round this morning we went through domestic violence questions, she gave me lots of info on different charities who can help. I.e aurora new dawn, I havent had him at my door I ended the relationship by txt and left it at that or if he turns up I will ring the police again. The police officer said she will call by 2pm but havent heard its just to say weather they will talk to him. But I dont really want them to as I'm scared of what him and his mum might do it would get worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummychickenbuger · 11/08/2023 15:32

Hi can anyone help me I'm trying to find a solicitor that accepts legal aid with child care arrangements. As I'm not getting anywhere it's becoming very stressful and it's mentally draining me. TIA

OP posts:

xPeaceXx · 11/08/2023 16:11

Can you go to local citizens information and ask for a referral /appointment?
Stay strong. Some of the admin is exhausting. I left a maniac who tried to have me ordered to return to the UK so I know how stressful it is. Fight your corner in a legal setting and try to get used to being free outside of a court. Xx
💪

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