What do I do about my sister... She's ghosting me AGAIN!

[KatEddy]

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation and is so how/if you've managed to resolve it.

My sister lives up in Scotland (I'm in Reading) so we don't see each other very much. I've got twin boys (2 years old next weekend). When she comes down to visit she stays with me and we have a lovely time all together. No rows or arguments.... Then when she goes back home she ghosts me. Ignores my texts, phone calls and sometimes for months at a time.

I've asked her via text many times why she does it and how can I stop her from going AWOL but when she does get back in contact she acts like nothing has happened and so far I don't bring it up again because I'm worried she'll just go AWOL again. It's starting to take so my head in and I've reached my limit.

She's a teacher so she is on summer holidays, when she's working she calls me loads. It's seems to be mainly the holidays when she does it. She also smokes weed so I'm guessing that's a big part of it.

It's my boys birthday end of this week and she'd supposed to be coming down to visit but still nothing! I've even contacted her bf on Facebook to check if she's ok but nothing from him either!

She's done it maybe 10 times in the last year. When she dies come back in contact it's some nonsense excuse, her phone broke or her car broke down etc..

Sorry that's turned into a bit of a rant, I'm just so frustrated.

Any useful advice gratefully received!

I bet you’re frustrated! Tiptoeing around her hasn’t worked. Tell her you’re really hurt and have had enough of her behaviour. Tell her she’s letting you and your family down. Tell her if you don’t hear from her by the end of the week she’s no longer invited to your children’s celebration. Tell her in future she needs to have the manners to reply to your invitations. It’s fine to decline if she doesn’t want to come but it’s not fine to ignore you, that’s plain rude. Tell her she owes you an apology for the way she’s been treating you. You’ve had enough. Then let her sulk if she wants to. You’ve not much to lose really. If you let her keep doing it nothing will change.

(unless you’re contacting her too much and annoying her??)

I have mental health problems that people don't know about sometimes I just can't face replying and then it becomes embarrassing to get back in touch again

My sister has done this to me for years. Not in such an extreme way, but she would come and visit, I’d be running around cooking and cleaning and trying to keep everything running smoothly. She would go and then no contact. Sometimes for months. I felt used and that she didn’t really care about me, just wanted to use me. I have moved elsewhere and she doesn’t stay with me now. She’s just rude and selfish. We had a few fall outs over it and I never got tot the bottom of why she thought it was acceptable behaviour. My advice is don’t stand for it. Do you stay with her? My sister had brought her children up to be equally selfish and rude.

Thanks for your reply to this, I appreciate it.
I'm wrote quite a strong message to her earlier , not going as far as I should have done maybe but letting her know how I feel but also asking if there's something bothering her.

Whenever I confront her about anything she either blows up or retreats and puts her head in the sand. She really needs therapy (we have had a bit of a traumatic relationship with our mum) but will never do it.

I feel like I always put in so much energy and effort into our relationship and I need it to be easier ! Like tonight, I'm worrying about it all, writing this stuff in bed when I should be getting precious sleep!

I have done in the past but not recently, since COVID and then having the boys. She doesn't have any kids (lots of cats though). I think you're right, she is selfish but maybe in a self destructive kind of way, I dunno

Is she trying to communicate something through silence? Ask her. Is she avoidant, and what you consider normal connection leaves her needing to wothdraw.. I know my mother gives me the cold shoulder if I move out of small talk. It is to train me to talk about the weather, the garden, neighbours, the roast..

Could it be something like that?

It does sound exhausting for you!!! For her it might seem right, contact followed by totally ignoring you.

You have my sympathies.

Will be reading advice to you with interest because I cannot make my mother connect iykwim. It makes her angry and she ghosts me too. It's no wonder I am single.

That's a really good point, maybe she is avoidant! I have to carefully navigate my conversations with her to not get onto any dodgy topics or there's either a complete meltdown or she'll want to run away.

But what is bloody annoying is what she says is completely different to what she does. She over promises and never follows through on stuff. The last contact i had from her was a voice message last week saying she was around all weekend doing nothing if I wanted to do a video call but then just ignores me! She's turned off her blue tick on WhatsApp as well, but I can see she's been online so I know she's alive at least!

It's quite puzzling isn't it?

I get some people might retreat but still, I'm sure they can send a text once in awhile or reply at least.

I have a relative who does this and it's hurtful.

Makes me feel like I don't exist unless they want something.

It really is puzzling! I once said to her that I felt out of sight out of mind and she got so angry at me for saying it! It's just so confusing

Ten times in a year is nearly every month so she disappears for a few weeks - that seems a short time to consider it as "ghosting".

It sounds like she doesn't communicate in the same way you do, and actually, she doesn't have to.

I used to teach. It's exhausting and by the end of the year you are wiped. First couple of weeks of summer I needed peace, space, decompression time. I didn't cut people off, but I didn't answer some calls, didn't make many, and didn't really text either.

You want her to communicate in a way that suits you, but she isn't you. If your relationship is otherwise good, then perhaps this is just how she is. Being easily available is a relatively new situation. It's not for everyone.

As the MN adage goes - a ringing phone is an invitation to answer, not a summons.

I’ve had a similar situation with a close family member. They were going through a rough time and I gave freely of my time at any time of day or night, lended a listening ear, tried ti help in any way I could. Then one day, out of nowhere, it’s zero contact. I’m tired of tiptoeing around them, so I’m just letting it be. No more worrying about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. No more 3+ hour phonecalls trying to listen and understand, then get up for work the next morning. No more offloading on me during working hours etc. Ive come to terms with it and I’m at peace with it. I understand that people can retreat into themselves when they’re under pressure or a bit down, but honestly, a text back or a call isn’t asking a lot of them. I feel for you.

Have you been to your sisters house? Sometimes you have to stop picking up the phone and see who rings YOU. Don't do it OP don't even take your sisters calls. Go out with your other friends, join baby groups and focus your mind on other things. She is simply unreliable so if you ever want to chat with your sis you can't because her phone may be off or whatever. It's ridiculous!

I get what your saying but it's the inconsistency I struggle with. I just don't know where I stand or if something is wrong. When she's working she calls me say 4 times a week but during the holidays or after a visit she goes silent. A text back to say yeah I'm ok I'm just having some down time for a few days is surely not too much to ask.

I understand teaching is exhausting but I also have twin 2 year olds which is also exhausting and I rarely have free time. I've given it to her gladly when she calls me on her commute home. Surely a relationship includes reciprocal communication...? I'm not a doormat!

Yes this is it I think, when I need a sister or someone to talk to she isn't there for me but I'm there for her when she needs me or even for her to rant about her working day. I have an unreliable mother as well so I think it cuts a bit deeper than it should.

My sister does this a bit.
have you read about object permanence?
From what I understand some people have this and it basically means out of sight out of mind. Maybe your sister struggles with this.

I spent 30 years of my life trying to connect with my sister. From childhood I don't ever remember her being close.
I gave up after I realised that I was the one who rang her and I'd get her answer machine. Leave a message, nowt happens. Don't Leave one, same.
When our mother was dying she wanted us to connect, I told her it was my sisters turn.
9 years later I'm still sister free.
Live your life. Block her number.

I'd say it's the weed, she's in contact when she's working because she isn't stoned. Two of my siblings smoke and the days just drift by with them doing fuck all just smoking and sitting around. It's not personal.

Some people are just not right in the head. No amount of applying logic to a situation will get you anywhere as they themselves don't act, behave or think logically. Feel blessed that your brain is wired correctly.

Drop the rope OP. Stop trying.

When she's working she calls me say 4 times a week but during the holidays or after a visit she goes silent.
Sounds like her job maybe keeps her busy enough to keep her mental health issues in check, and when the holidays come and she's got too much spare time on her hands, it overcomes her again. Also when she's been to see you, and sees the contrast between your life and hers? Perhaps life with her bf is not too great and she would like to have a family like yours but feels it is impossible?

I feel like I always put in so much energy and effort into our relationship and I need it to be easier !
Then do less? Tell her that you're there if she ever really needs your help, and leave her be.