No Friends, Not One!

[wheredidyouputthekeys]

I'm coming up on the dreaded mid-30s and find myself in a shameful predicament: I'm friendless. My phone contacts is a sad lineup of professionals - doctors, plumbers, dentists, you name it - with only a few family members and my dear hubby thrown in. In my schooldays, I hobnobbed with the in-crowd and couldn't imagine life without my girl gang, but since I started my family over a decade ago, I've steered clear of my old friends. They're all - still! - drowning in boozy binges and drama-filled relationships, and I can't seem to relate anymore (and don't want my kids around it). Making friends as a grown-up is a mission near impossible - I hardly have a spare minute, and feel as though I've become a rusty awkward conversationalist with nothing much to talk about other than my kids. Please tell me I'm not the only one...

Mum friends probably your best bet. If your kids are small, go for play dates at home or in a park, Saturday or Sunday if you're working full time - kids play, you chat to mum. If they're older, and mum's wouldn't stay for play dates, then get involved in school stuff.

But don't give up on your old friends - you can go out with them without kids.

I’m in the exact same situation. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16, I’m now 36 and haven’t really known any different. School friends and work colleagues have all moved on.
Me and my husband aren’t getting on at the moment, kids are getting older and more independent so I’m feeling extremely lonely.
My husband goes out with work colleagues but I haven’t got a relationship like that with the current team who I work with.
I try speaking to other parents but it has never built into anything.
I find if awkward talking to others, apart from the kids my mind just goes blank.
I have no one who calls me, messages me apart from my parents.
Even with family like cousins I have no one nearby and the only time I see people is at maybe a family occasion which is very rare.

@wheredidyouputthekeys

You sound quite judgemental though

Sorry but I thought this too.
how old are your kids? Would they really need to be around your friends if your husband is an able parent?

Yes. I think you need to take a look at yourself, OP, and unpick some of your deeply odd attitude to friendships. If you haven’t made any friends since your schooldays, why ever not? If you have children, why haven’t you encountered any likeable people via baby groups, school runs, parents’ of your children’s’ friends etc etc?

Do you have some very entrenched ideas about parents vs Mon-parents, or what people ‘should be’ doing at particular life stages? At 35, children were not even on my mental horizon, and I was spending six months a year overseas for work, happily married, enjoying friendships and doing pretty much what I felt like? And I had childfree friends, friends with children of various ages, friends who were lone parents, friends who were much younger or 20 years older, of both sexes etc, and we all still found time for one another.

I think you need to take a look at yourself, OP, and unpick some of your deeply odd attitude to friendships. If you haven’t made any friends since your schooldays, why ever not?

At 35, children were not even on my mental horizon, and I was spending six months a year overseas for work, happily married, enjoying friendships and doing pretty much what I felt like?

Does this help op? To make jet fee like she's done something wrong? Sounds like you just want to show off, not offer any useful advice.

It’s a perfectly fair question, and I’m not the only person suggesting the OP consider to what extent her own behaviour has influenced her friendless state.

The OP says she hung out with the cool kids in her school days, and now says her old friends are drama-filled drinkers (not clear whether these are her school friends grown up) who aren’t suitable to be around her children. She has, however, had 15/17 years or so between her schooldays and turning 35, and presumably has had jobs and other opportunities to meet potential friends, as well as those offered by parenthood. It’s not ‘outgrown school friends or nothing’.

@BurntWindowcleaner
I don't think you were showing off at all

I don’t think you sound judgmental 🤷‍♀️ I think you’re posting for help on an Internet forum and trying to offer an explanation for how you think you’ve got yourself into this predicament. I’m not friends with my school friends anymore for similar ish reasons… I just seemed to grow up differently to them, wanting different things from life. But I have made friends along the way, quite a lot of them. I’m surprised you haven’t managed to make any mum friends at least? Most of my new friends have been met via the kids and so talking about the kids is a lot of what we have in common and therefore not out of place at all.

My recommendation would be to start with making just one meaningful friendship with someone like a colleague and see what doors it opens. Making friends with friends friends is also quite common. Friends exponentially multiply.

Do you actually want help with meeting friends or are you just looking for reassurance that it's ok not to have any? I only ask this because your post ends with 'tell me I'm not the only one' rather than 'please help me' or whatever.

You're not the only one. I know plenty of people who don't seem to see much of anyone other than family members. I'm fairly sure my dad has never had any friends, for example, and he's perfectly content.

If however you do want to make friends, I think you just have to 'put yourself out there' and force things a bit. Find some like-minded people - colleagues or school mums, or take up a hobby - and just start talking to them. Ask if they want to go for a drink/coffee/play date - the worst they can do is say no.

Don't worry about staying in touch with your school friends if you have nothing in common - it's no one's fault, people just grow apart. You may find your way back to each other at some point in the future but for now just focus on building some new bonds.

Good luck!

I agree with this.

I didn't mean to step on any toes. I don't want to be around people who I've grown apart from as there was a lot of taking drugs, drinking, shouting their children, xenophobic, racism, ignorance. It's just true! I grew up in quite an underclass environment and got out of it but when I go back to where I'm from people are still doing the same old and I don't want my kids around it. I think that's fair enough.

DH works full time as a lorry driver so I don't even see him as much as I'd like to and the only work I've had since having children was self employment from home so that I could work it around childcare.

Hi Op
Your predicament is perfectly normal. We all change in life and go through different phases. I don’t feel like you are being judgemental at all. You just don’t find hanging out with people that are out to get drunk etc etc very interesting and that’s because you can’t relate to that anymore and guess what, that’s okay and you are okay.
I can relate to what you are saying because I am at a time and stage in my life where I want to spend time with people who are interested in me as I am in them. I have started to look at my friendships and wonder if they are right for me. The quality of your friendships are what’s really important. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you for not having friends. Do you enjoy the company of your DH and do you like your own company??

Just seen your update and I agree with you. Those friends wouldn’t be right for me either. Does it bother you not having a friend to talk to? Or is it that you feel you should have more friends?

D

I sounds like you ditched your old friends just because you had a family. I wonder what they think about that?
To make new friends you need to put in the effort. Start by joining a club, a new hobby or pta or similar. Always try and say yes to social gatherings. Be chatty and make small talk while you're getting to know people. And once you've worked out who you've got a connection with and would like to hangout more with, then you need to invite them around for coffee / picnic with the kids and similar activities. It takes time and effort.

Dear God, a lot of people on here taking this post personally. A few daytime drinkers among us?

This post got me thinking. My mum is 50 and doesn't have any friends. My dad has a handful. I think mothers devote so much time to child rearing that we end up sacrificing personal life and self care.

Also I'm outgoing and my sister is shy and she's got one friend where as I've got a small army of friends. I think personality comes into play massively too. You mention feeling rusty and I just wonder if you're socially anxious by nature?

Perhaps try taking a class like floristry or join Boogie bounce trampolining. Hugs.

P.s I grew up on a rough council estate and unfortunately it seems to trap a lot of people in a mindset, and though I am friends with a few from my past many I've outgrown and don't want the dysfunction around my own kiddos

Sorry, just seen your update. I couldn't stand for racism and xenophobia either.

@Martiniloveyou I agree with you. The OP is just trying to see where she fits. We outgrow friends as our lives change and we have different beliefs and priorities. I am not a big social person and I like my own space and company. I always thought that I must be off and that I should have lots of friends but that’s just not me and OP, it may not be you either. If you would like to find like minded friends then join a class you enjoy or start chatting with other parents when you are out with the kids. Have you heard of the WEA? I did some classes online and it gave me a purpose and I learned loads. All without a friend in sight. I could count my friends on 3 fingers 🤣🤣

Having seen your update that seems perfectly reasonable

Can you find an evening class or exercise class to do , just to give you some time to yourself, it's a good way to meet people in the local area without too much commitment

I'm 43 and also don't have friends, but I don't fret about it. I've made the decision to focus on my family and time spent nurturing friendships is an opportunity cost as I'd miss out on time with family or activities to support them. I spend a lot of time with DH so he is my main adult company. I don't have much interest in mum friends as I'm pretty happy with my own company and being engaged with my dc, I'm very hands on with them so wouldn't want to meet up with anyone with them in tow. I think it's pretty common for parents with young families and we don't have to change our lifestyle to meet society's expectations of having a long list of friends' phone numbers. If you're happy with your life with your dc and DH that's all that matters.

I agree with @lariloop
I'd rather spend time with my husband and kids and our business. Spent a lot of time over the last couple of years in a new town trying to make friends but at best these turned out to be quite superficial tbh and not worth taking the time out from family life for.

Seems it's definitely harder to make deeper friendships in the 40s sadly.
I've reframed the situation in my head just to be grateful for the good in my life, not close the door on new friendships but not actively pursue them either. That way disappointment lies imho.