Connecting/sex/to want more

[Calismom]

Looking for some advice really. Been with DP for seven years. Have a (just turned) 2 year old DS and a dog. For the most part happy with family life, although there is very little to the actual relationship between myself and DP. We function great as co-parents, he’s a wonderful dad, he’s a good man, attractive and kind. The issue i have is that we are just not connecting at all. We don’t have anything to talk about anymore aside the kids (2 year old and dog), we go through the daily motion of chores and planning for the next few days, go for family walks and family outings, but never do anything as a couple. We have had sex in total of about 5 times in 3 years (although pregnancy and a new born are included in this timeframe). I used to try and initiate sex but got shot down so many times that I’ve stopped trying and in honesty have lost interest. Not to drip feed but sex has been a bit of an issue throughout the relationship due to DP’s back problems- I’ve always been the one initiating to the point that it has caused problems with him saying I’m not allowing him time to initiate and it’s stressing him out. We’ve tried viagra to take the pressure off but again it’s been me purchasing it and suggesting it, he refused as says it gives him a headache. We talk about our issues, he says I’ve checked out of the relationship, maybe I have, but I feel that it can’t all be one sided. I don’t know if we can make it work at this point. For reference I’m 35 and he’s 36, so I feel that I should still have an active sex life and be able to enjoy a relationship and not just co-parent in the same household. It feels quite lonely really. Maybe it’s just how things are when you have a young child and things do get better?! Have had all the usual thoughts- maybe I’m not attractive enough, maybe he’s gay, we’re both pretty tired a lot of the time. We don’t have much help in terms of childcare so if we wanted to go out it’s a babysitter. DP has agreed we should spend more time 1 on 1 and agreed date nights etc but it never happens. We just sit on the sofa in the evenings on our phones/watching Netflix not speaking. Is this just adult life now?! Is it bad to want more?

Im looking for advice of anyone in a similar position- would you continue to try and work or is it time to move on?

Hello just bumping for you - I am sure you are not alone in this. The only thing that has counterintuitively worked for us when I think we are putting our relationship last is just really stepping back and putting your focus back on yourself/ your child, and seeing whether he steps forward?

Thankyou for the reply

DP has agreed we should spend more time 1 on 1 and agreed date nights etc but it never happens. We just sit on the sofa in the evenings on our phones/watching Netflix not speaking.
You've both agreed, but you're both not doing what you said you'd do. It's not just him. On of you needs to turn the TV off and say "Let's not sit watching TV in silence" or "What can we do to make you feel happier?"

But you also need to have something to talk about. You don't have childcare, but do you each go out from time to time while the other parents? Do you have any individual interests or hobbies?

What did you talk about before kids?

DH and I tend to sit and wat h telly most nights cos with 3 kids and no childcare... However he'll tell me about his day at work. I'll tell him of something funny the kids did. We'll talk about the show were watching. He'll tell me about an interesting article he read. I'll tell him about a book I read.

But we also have time out away
So Say day he went to the pub with friends. Last night I went out with my colleagues I won't see til Sept. I go to the cinema alone. He's taking his mother away alone. I'm having a weekend with the girls. He's going to a gig. I'm going to a show. We talk about that stuff too

You need to actively engage with him. And of he's not bothered then I think you have your answer