Relationship/divorce advice

[Woodchuck99876]

I really need some help. Last night I (34f) went to a wedding with my husband (34m), I was seated between him and another male friend who had a crush on me years ago, nothing ever happened and he is now also married with a child.
People were taking Polaroid pictures for the wedding guest book. I took one with my husband which I decided I wanted to keep in my purse because I liked the photo. I also took one with the other friend. In the end, I wasn’t thinking and put the picture of me and the other male friend in the guestbook. I made a joke of it saying “oops this isn’t my husband “ and thought nothing more of it. We had a brilliant night, dancing and laughing. Everything was great. I should say we both had a lot to drink, we definitely weren’t sober.

However, as soon as the taxi door shut for us to go home, my husband went mad. He said what I had done with the photo was unacceptable and embarrassing and that he hates me. He called me a lot of names including c**t, hooker, slag, whore. He then started to shove me in the taxi because I had gone silent instead of responding. When we got back in our hotel room he continued shouting at me and I didn’t really respond. Then I got into bed and he threw one of his (quite chunky) trainers at my head, thankfully it missed. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to keep throwing shoes at me all night. He threw another one about 20 mins later and again thankfully it narrowly missed my head. Thankfully he then fell asleep on the floor.

I realised I was terrified in that moment. I should say he has never, ever done anything like this before. He has always had a temper and shouting/name calling is not uncommon for him. But the shoving and throwing is brand new.

He said he wants a divorce. I don’t think I can come back from that feeling of fear of him that I’ve never had before. In an ideal world I’d leave him tomorrow and never look back. But we have a 2yo daughter and she adores him. By and large he is a good dad. He has told me multiple times before (and again last night) that if we divorce he will take her from me. Can he do that? I cannot risk losing her, she is my world.

Also, was I wrong about the photo thing? I have apologised to him and I can see why it was a stupid thing to do that would have hurt his feelings. But did I deserve that level of anger for it? I am so confused.

He can’t take her, but he can have her 50% of the time. Would he actually want her 50 % ?

He behaved unacceptably and I don’t blame you for being afraid. He won’t get 100% custody, but yes could apply for 50% if he’s able to manage that with work

Are you in the hotel together this morning? Shoving and throwing things at you is never OK. Being scared of your husband isn't OK. Sounds like even if he's not been physical before he may have been verbally abusive in the past. You and your daughter can't live in fear that if you do something that winds him up he'll end up being abusive. People make mistakes, say the wrong thing - it can't result in abuse and fear. If he was upset, he should be able to express that upset of course but there is no excuse for the abuse.

I relate to your post as I wnat to leave my DH but I'm terrified of what will happen with custody arrangements. He can't take your daughter away from you but may well end up with 50%. I find this thought hard to stomach myself as think my children would be so unhappy with this arrangement so it's keeping me here.

I would focus today on soothing the hangover, getting back to your daughter, and then next week taking some time to work out what life would look like without him. Don't focus on changing him (as he won't unless he wants to) but focus on yourself and your long term happiness- is it really sharing your home and life with someone with a temper and who throws stuff at you?

And if he says he lost control- remember he kept his cool until no one else was around and you got in that taxi. He knows the behaviour is unacceptable which is why he waited. If you wait a couple of hours before shoving and shouting - you arent out of control.

Threatening to ‘take’ your child is blackmail. Add that to his verbal, and now physical abuse. His behaviour is escalating.
I hope you have told someone how he treats you ? That’s not a normal relationship, and I know it’s sometimes hard to see it when you are living with it.
And remember, if you’re scared of him, you ring the police.

Didn't the taxi driver say anything?

It sounds like the alcohol had a lot to answer for. Maybe your husband was drunk? Not that’s is ok to throw things. Maybe see how things are when he wakes up he should apologise. The shoving and throwing isn’t acceptable.
you should both limit the alcohol intake if things get out of hand like this. Do you think he thought you were taunting him over the picture ?

That would be crossing a serious line for me. You should never be afraid of your partner. Don't let him use alcohol as an excuse, the violence is there in him already he just lost his inhibitions through anger. That is a dangerous person to be around.

He needs to know that his reaction was a complete overreaction and wholly unacceptable. If I were you I'd take my daughter 'to the shop' but go stay with a friend or family for a few nights, give him that time to realise what he's done and make him know that you're not afraid to leave. Also gives you time to decide whether you want to leave.
Go to your local police station in that time as well and make a report that you don't want action taken on but you want documented to lay on file as a domestic incident, also include the history of verbal abuse as this most recent incident is an escalation. If you do stay with him and anything further happens, report again.
Regarding him taking your daughter and the 50% thing, no court in this land is going to remove a child from her from her mother and grant any custody of a child, especially one so young, to a father who has a quick temper and a history of domestic abuse towards the mother whether physical or emotional/verbal. Supervised visits in a controlled setting maybe but not custody. I'd suggest, if you want to - his actions to date do make him deserve for you to leave him.

Ps. It appears you have a troll on your page who is looking for reactions to feed off. Ignore them, they'll bore off.

OP I imagine if your DH had a photo with another woman who’d had a crush on him, then put that photo in a guestbook rather than one of him and you, you’d feel pretty hurt and humiliated.
I also imagine that if you then had a go at him because of how he made you feel and he just sat in silence rather than trying to fix things, that would leave you feeling even more hurt and angry.
Your behaviour was wrong.

However, that absolutely doesn’t justify him making you feel scared like that. Nothing does. He shouldn’t be throwing things at you and shoving you. That is a big no.

If you split he can try for 50:50 access. It does depend on the person he is because a lot say they want that, or more, but when it comes down to it they don’t really, as it’s a lot of hard work, especially when the children are young. Obviously if he’s fully committed as a father then he’s he is likely to do what it takes to have your DD more.
But that shouldn’t stop you leaving