Unsure of what to do. Help!

[Allovertheplaice]

Hi all, I want to preface this post with a couple of things.

I have BPD, which is the reason I am making this post as I don't trust my mind to be rational. As a result, this post is probably all over the place, I apologise.

My partner(27) and I(27) have been together for 5 years, engaged for 4 and have been living together with my family since COVID started. We're best friends, we laugh and joke with each other, we talk about our issues, but there have been some problems building for a while.

We don't really spend any quality time together. We're pretty much cooped up in the same room, so yes we see each other every day, but most of that is spent sat next to each other on our own separate desktops. Obviously we interact with each other, we laugh/joke/have conversations and such, but we never really do activities together other than watching 20 mins of tv before we sleep.

I have bought up my need for more quality time doing actual activities together, and that's successful for a little while, but we always fall back into the same routine.

Two, we don't have any intimacy anymore. This problem stated years ago, he had ejaculation problems since we first started dating, which tuned into us having less and less sex until he finally came out that he had an addiction to adult content.

He seemed ready to tackle the issue head on, so I supported him through it. He seemed hell bent on fixing the issue but it always came back, he insisted it was stress that triggered it and he just needed it to get buy the day. But he still 'kept trying'

Cut to present day, and we haven't had sex in months and any attempts are met with him going soft as soon as it comes to the actual sex part.
His acknowleges that this is the result of his addiction, but says depression/anxiety/undiagnosed (but probable) ADHD also takes part in both issues.

I will say that he has been in therapy/medicines for depression in the past, and is currently on the waiting list for an ADHD diagnosis.

Now to my internal issue, I don't know how much longer I can take this. I love this man, he's my best friend, but how am I going to live the rest of my life like this? I want to support him and get him through this but I don't know if there's anything else I can do. But at the same time I feel like I'm taken for an idiot. I dont know how to move forward in this relationship with these issues, but I really want to work through them and happy on the other side, but I don't know if I can hold out.

I can feel myself building resentment and I hate myself for it, because half of me believes it's not his fault and I should just continue to support him, but the other half of me is wondering if this is all a lost cause and it's never going to get better.

Both of them end up in hurt, and even if I do come to the conclusion that I don't want this life, I love him too much to let him go

And another part of me is wondering if I'm blowing this all out of proportion since every thing else is great. He's loving in his own way, he genuinely makes me laugh, he looks after me when I'm upset/sick, he makes me feel safe and home. Am I just a horrible person who is holding all of this resentmet and for thinking these things? After I spend a while thinking like this, I look at him and want to bawl and beg for forgiveness.

I feel like if we could just get passed this, our relationship would be perfect.

What do I do?????

It will probably take a long time of him not looking at porn anymore and also he has to get over the pattern he’s got into of trying to force intimacy

It's a lost cause and will not get better.

Cut your losses and give yourself a chance to have a proper healthy relationship with someone else.

You sounds more like friends than being in a relationship.

Does he contribute to household costs?

Yes, I felt the same and spoke to him about it. He got quite hurt that I felt that way so obviously he doesn't feel the same.

He does help out financially, as well as helps out around the house cooking/cleaning ect.

Do you mean you live with your parents? I think I’d try renting together before getting married. My son and girlfriend lived with us for a while and argued a lot. Now they have their own place they seam so much happier.

In the nicest sense, it doesn't matter how he sees the situation, the question is, does this work for you?

The resentment won't go away as the life you are living is not fulfilling you. You may love him but sometimes love is not enough. It is good he contributes financially and helping around the house, but ask yourself, do you want to be in this situation this time next year? No intimacy is hard but it is clear he does not want a life of going out and having fun occasionally, he is happy at home. To me that is a friendship and it sounds like he is comfortable and happy with his lot, you are not.

It doesn’t sound as if there’s much intimacy outside of intercourse either? Am I right? If there was loads of “heavy petting” and just showing each other how much you fancy each other, without piv, you’d feel a lot better I think?
At your age, I wouldn’t stay with this - it’s all about you supporting him - but when he could support your needs by more quality time he choose to not put effort in. Support should not be a one way street.

Thank you, yes we live with my parents and my brother so it's quite cramped, hence why my partner and I are cramped up in the same room constantly.

I have thought about how things would be different if we moved out since these problems -sometimes- dissapear if we are away for an extended time. Though there's always a fear of moving into a place together and things still not working since I wouldn't be able to pay for the place soley on my own -or his own for that matter - if things went South.

It's something to bring up in conversation though, so thank you

Staying in a sexless relationship isn't going to work as you're technically just friends.

However if everything else is great, there's something to work on. I would honestly try moving out and getting your own place and then building on that part of your relationship again perhaps with some expert help? It's got to be worth a try if everything else is so good.

Once you get the intimate part back I'm sure the rest will follow x

When does he watch the porn when you're both cooped up in same room? Maybe while you're in bed sleeping he's wanking away next to you or in the bathroom that your family share. Grim, don't marry him, or get pregnant ( that's not likely to happen is it) because it won't change, you've too young to settle for no intimacy.

It sounds like you still love your partner but won’t get through this without therapy to help him with his problems. Could that be your next step, to ask him whether he’s willing to get help for his addiction and ejaculation issues? Nothing will change without this outside help, so if he refuses you can then make your own decision. You are not happy.

It’s very early in the relationship to have these issues. I think maybe he has also more issues going on than you realise, that will surface bit by bit. You’ve been together since 22, engaged at 23. I can’t tell you the amount of growing up I did in my 20s. I’m so glad I’m not with the guy I met at 22, or even the guy I met at 28! I don’t mean to sound patronising as you sound like you have your head well and truly screwed on but you’re so young and there’s a lot out there. In this case I would advise a break, a little bit of distance. You’ll come back to each other if it’s meant to be. But I have a feeling that space for a few months will give you all the clarity that you need.

Get rid. You’re more like brother and sister
rather than in a relationship. This sounds like a full life and position fur a 27 year old,

A porn addiction that’s made him impotent at 27 is only going to get worse. He needs serious help, but probably won’t get it because he doesn’t want to give it up. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage with man who spends his time and money on fantasy women?